To think more women would stay single if it wasn't for societal pressure

[penelopepitstopsgain]

When you consider women live longer when single, are less likely to suffer mental, emotional and physical distress (16 women and children have been murdered to date since lockdown in the UK) there is a strong public health case that staying single is better for women; yet society often frowns on it and other women often"pity" single women.

FWIW i'm in a LTR, but I've never had an issue being single... in many cases it's been preferable for my peace of mind!

On here you see it time and time again.. women hanging on to the lowest forms of life sometimes with horrific consequences for them and their children, all for that dreaded fear of being alone and it got me thinking..

If there was a PR campaign that positioned being single as the healthy option it is, more women would be brave enough to opt out.

YABU - Women want relationships and society has no influence

YANBU - If single was the norm more women would make that choice

I definitely agree but also think a big part of it is a lot of women genuinely don’t see it as an option because of the way they’ve been brought up. A girl growing up who sees mum always need a man is going to feel the same way. She’s not shown any alternative.

I agree with this now in my mid 50's but couldn't see it when I was younger.

I'm another one who is married but if anything were to happen to cause us to divorce or if he were to die before me, then that's it, I would remain single for the rest of my life.

I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realise it, second marriage and all that.

I think it's a fundamentally flawed idea. The vast majority of people will want or seek a partnership of some duration during their lives. You can't reverse that instinct.

What is a much more valid idea is to raise the standards of the opposite sex to be much higher, and the general level of intelligence/education around decision making of the populace.

I'm a good decision maker. Sensible, level headed and cautious. Some of that from nature, some from nurture. It has an enormous benefit to my life, because I am likely to plan defensively to give myself good life outcomes. I know what I want, and what I don't want. You don't have to be particularly intelligent to achieve this, you just need to know the basics of thinking things through and gathering information before you make a choice.

I also value myself, almost excessively. The idea that anyone could treat me badly and be worth staying with is complete anathema to me - I'm too arrogant to accept any less. The idea that I'd be with someone who was nice but a bad personality fit is also just meh.

These things make for a better likelihood of a good life, not avoiding men altogether.

You can't reverse that instinct

You can go someway towards changing societal perceptions though

I was married for many years but eventually divorced, I have to say I much prefer being single. I wouldn't have when I was young, I have changed as I have matured.

I do think there is societal pressure for woman to marry, certainly in my family and friends in my generation. Maybe it is different for younger women now? But it was always "is there a young man on the scene?" in my day and as soon as a woman was married, it was immediately "and when will we hear the patter of tiny feet" sort of rubbish.

Now I am older I see so many advantages in being single, I do not want to marry or even be in a relationship again. Friendships are enough. I enjoy the freedom that comes with singledom. However, I know many women who can't bear to be on their own and do not like their own company and would therefore rather stick with some low-life than be single. So it isn't all down to societal pressure....

Personally I think a good partner is a blessing. I think the problem is, not enough women value themselves. I have seen some woman accept absolutely shocking behaviour from men. If you allow that treatment, that is what you'll get. Also if you do have good self esteem, the shitty men tend to avoid you, so its win win

I don't understand the mix up between being single and freedom.

What impacts your freedom is deciding to have children, and fair enough, you become responsible for them and they come first.
Going into a relationship? How is that impacting your freedom? If it is, you are with the wrong partner.

*You can't reverse that instinct

You can go someway towards changing societal perceptions though*

Also I’m not sure it is natural instinct. only a tiny proportion of the animal kingdom mates for life - and no mammals in our ‘closest neighbours’ group at all. Most prey are 1 male: multi females (group and most predators just meet for breeding. Obviously there are lots of random exceptions....but it isn’t a standard approach to life by any means.

I think the fact that marriage numbers have dropped in recent years goes to show that the OPs supposition has merit. The reduction in religious influence and increased access (internet) to ‘how other people do stuff’ certainly seems to have made a difference. More choice seems to lead to more singleness

The only answer here is that it will be true for some women, and not true for others. As a general trend in society...I don't know.

I have never felt any pressure to be in a relationship, or felt pitied by any of my friends for being single; to be honest, I suspect envied is more like it in some cases, as I've designed my lifestyle to be what I wanted, live where I want, do the work I wanted, have freedom to travel when and where I want, relatively free from financial pressures (obviously on a single rather than dual income, but zero concerns about paying for private school, university, helping with house deposits etc so likely have a higher disposable income than quite a few of my married friends with kids) and don't have to compromise with anyone else if I want to buy something, do something, go somewhere...

@SnakesandKnives

Very few animals can produce their own custard from milk and eggs, both lactating and producing eggs. That doesn't mean platypi are doing something wrong by doing it.

Mating for life (or for a significant duration of it) is found across various highly unrelated species, none of whom except us have "society" to construct it.

Pair bonding is part of our evolution - not the ONLY part, but to deny either its existence or significance based on what other species are doing is a sure root to a poor conclusion.

I have been single for many years and haven't come across any kind of pressure, I can see it both ways and it isn't necessarily felt by every woman. Society has a contributing factor but it also has consequences, so one mostly accepted outcome of relationships isn't always the result.

I pondered a moment when reading this, I concluded that a relationship would only allow me to have more social mobility If I chose a decent partner. Atm my social mobility is limited with being a single mother but I don't actively want a relationship. I can get cuddles and sex on other terms.

@RincewindsHat Out of interest, do you think the envy came at a certain age? I'm mid 30s and single and feel pitied rather than envied, but I have a feeling it will be the opposite in 10 years' time once others have tired of their marriages.

my own personal favourite when I say I'm not looking to meet someone "well never say never". At that point I will ask "what will happen when you divorce?" - if they say "oh that won't happen" I respond with "well never say never".

Haha love this.

I left an abusive person after 3 decades. While I've been single quite happily for the last 3 years, I'd like to start dating sometime over the next year. I wouldn't mind a relationship, but not necessarily the living together part.

Absolutely. In this generation, women have been heavily controlled. Women are told to get into relationships. And to have children. And that if you don't do this - you are abnormal.

Well, women are beginning to remember their power. That only we make our decisions for ourselves. That being single is a perfectly healthy life choice.

I am 36, single for the last five years and I am sooo happy. I have travelled the world for two of those years.

Monogamy was a form of control. It is not actually natural.

A good partner is wonderful, just as a good friendship is or a great community. Humans tend to enjoy meaningful connections with other humans.

However, I have definitely heard my DM voice how terribly worried she is about such and such as they are not settled. Now this could be my bonkers DM or a generational thing but I think there is an undercurrent in society that woman + man and children equals good job all round. It has influenced me. I love my partner and my children. I'm not really sure how I would have handled not being able to have children. I'm not sure I would have had children alone even though I always wanted children and love them very much.

Oh such and such has a f-ing amazing life, I think they're having a blast even if they are not settled down!

@OneandTwenty you asked "how does a relationship impact your freedom. If you are - you are choosing the wrong partner".

You always lose freedom in a relationship. I was with a very nice man for three years, and I still felt like I lost my freedom. And by the end I felt that I was in a prison that I wanted to get out of. My life was not my own.
I had to spend time with his friends, his mother, I had to compromise on things I wanted to do - because two people are never going to want to do the same things all the time. I also struggled with never being allowed to even flirt with another man. It doesn't feel natural to me! How can one person own me?

I felt so free when I left him. And the last four years I have done everything that I want to do - travel the world - without having to answer to anyone. I don't NEED anyone.

Being single is a great choice!

I think many women opt to stay/be in a relationship for the financial benefit that comes with it.

The only happy single women I know are those who are in a good financial position and able to enjoy some luxuries.

I really don't think that monogamy is natural.

It was imposed on us, by previous governments to control us.

I agree to some extent, and was a happy content single mother for many years but if you told me I could have my husband or an extra 5 years, I’d take my husband.

@TenToTheDozen I am speculating on the envy, and to be honest, it's probably not consistent but mostly when my friends are in specific situations like struggling with their young kids and their husbands aren't around to help out so much due to work commitments or whatever, or when they can't afford a family holiday abroad because of massive mortgages and childcare costs and things.

We're all mid-thirties, and I can say for sure I have definitely never felt a hint of pity - but I have also always been very open about never wanting kids, so maybe people also assume I am not fussed about being in a relationship or not? Which is true, to be fair.

I was under a lot of pressure to get married, by my father particularly, and my mother to some extent and now have two divorces behind me. I am happily settled now but part of me wishes I hadn’t felt so pressured to marry when I was younger.

@julybaby32 are you saying your life is worth less because you don’t have children? Really? That is rubbish, & hope you don’t really feel that way. Anyone who would dream of saying that is a terrible person. Every life has value and it is what you make of it- I would rip strips off anyone who said that to me.

I’m 47 and long term single. I’ve recently thought about getting back out there but I think that’s because I live on my own and the current situation is making me a bit lonely - hadn’t really considered it until now. It’s unlikely that I’ll get married - as @julybaby32 said, I too am plain and I’m also pretty introverted.

I’ve had the overt comments about settling down, usually from my friends parents for some reason. My parents died young so I think they are concerned in the absence of me having my actual parents around. What hurts though, are the little occurances that aren’t so overt - getting put on the losers table at weddings, not being asked to dinner because you’d be an odd number, not being asked if you’d like to bring a plus one to anything, having to buy presents for so many kids of friends when you don’t even get a card back when it’s your birthday. I know it’s not the receiving that counts but it would be nice to be remembered. I think the worst thing about being single is that nobody knows quite what to do with you.

Monogamy was a form of control. It is not actually natural.

Tell that to monogamous animals.