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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think more women would stay single if it wasn't for societal pressure

228 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 16/04/2020 11:19

When you consider women live longer when single, are less likely to suffer mental, emotional and physical distress (16 women and children have been murdered to date since lockdown in the UK) there is a strong public health case that staying single is better for women; yet society often frowns on it and other women often"pity" single women.

FWIW i'm in a LTR, but I've never had an issue being single... in many cases it's been preferable for my peace of mind!

On here you see it time and time again.. women hanging on to the lowest forms of life sometimes with horrific consequences for them and their children, all for that dreaded fear of being alone and it got me thinking..

If there was a PR campaign that positioned being single as the healthy option it is, more women would be brave enough to opt out.

YABU - Women want relationships and society has no influence

YANBU - If single was the norm more women would make that choice

OP posts:
MrsSnitchnose · 16/04/2020 15:30

I find it wearing at times. I'm early 30s and have been single for 12 years, except a brief relationship that lasted a year. I much prefer being single, I know myself properly now, and I like my own company.

There is someone I like, but I've not done anything about it so far.

There is an element of people trying to push you into action though from my experience. If I seem to be talking to much too a certain good looking collegue at work, I get endless enquiries as to what's going on between us. It's annoying.

I've also found it's not just a case of people expecting you to want to find someone, it's that you should be living the way they think you should

Case in point, I don't want any more children (1 DS) and I always get "Oh you'll change your mind when you meet someone"

I usually counter this with "Well actually, I'm hoping I start the menopause in the next few years like my mum so I don't have to beg to be steralised Grin

Apologies, that was longer than I intended Blush

KathyBriggs360 · 16/04/2020 15:31

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace I totally get that don't get me wrong. But just imagine what life is like with your best friend right now, how you get on so much with her and you can talk and talk for hours about the littlest thing. With men you can't do that, and you're more likely to get cheated on too. It helps me to think about those things x

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 15:36

@OneandTwenty no i wasn't with the wrong person.

I didn't like the concept of being with one person - for years - at all.

Now I am single, and I text about thirty men currently every week. I am friends with most, I flirt with some of them. I love being able to talk to alot of men. There are so many great men out there, and if I was with only one person, I would have missed knowing alot of these really great men, who have added to my life in loads of ways.

MarieQueenofScots · 16/04/2020 15:38

yes I understand it is probably better for women to be single if they want

I don’t understand the use of “probably”? If a woman wants to be single, it’s better for her to be single.

I’m bi. I don’t want a relationship!

SerenDippitty · 16/04/2020 15:40

I think historically this was true, even when I was young (mid fifties now) but DD generation, she is 22, are far less bothered about having a partner and don't feel the societal pressure. Having said that, she was surprised when she came back from uni in London to see that some of her old friends were in serious relationships. It was much rarer in her London uni life.

It is also true that casual sex is much less frowned upon than it used to be so there is no pressure to be "serious" about someone you are sexually attracted to.

@KathyBriggs360

But just imagine what life is like with your best friend right now, how you get on so much with her and you can talk and talk for hours about the littlest thing. With men you can't do that, and you're more likely to get cheated on too. It helps me to think about those things x

Who says you can't do that with a man?

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 15:41

Alot of men - see lots of women at one time. We know that.

We need to realise that we can do it too.

When I date, I date about ten guys at the same time.

lazylinguist · 16/04/2020 15:44

YABU. Not because you're wrong about the downsides of married life for women, but because women don't think about those things when they are young, looking for a partner or falling in love. The desire to find a partner is inbuilt, not just down to societal pressure.
I'm married to a good man, but if I were to become single for whatever reason, I'd definitely want to stay that way (good ones are hard to find). But if you'd presented 23 year-old me with that gloomy view of married life, it would have fallen on deaf ears. Not because I felt I had to pair up, but because I very much wanted to.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 16/04/2020 15:47

Now I am single, and I text about thirty men currently every week. I am friends with most, I flirt with some of them. I love being able to talk to alot of men. There are so many great men out there, and if I was with only one person, I would have missed knowing alot of these really great men, who have added to my life in loads of ways.

@Annamaria14 Sounds idyllic. I'm off in search of more men Smile

KnockDownNinja · 16/04/2020 15:48

If it were that simple, it would have happened a long time ago.

Not women are mostly friends with other women and most men are mostly friends with other men. If attraction and pair-bonding were choices, I doubt you'd see many inter-gender couplings.

It is interesting to think about, but it's sort of fundamental to the evolutionary strategy that's been thrust upon us.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 15:48

It does say that very, very few animals pair bond, in nature. Only 3%.

To an extent, we have been controlled by governments.

To tell people that they could only be with one person at a time,
when there are seven billion people in the world - was a very extreme form of control.

OneandTwenty · 16/04/2020 15:51

Annamaria14

if you are after sexual relationships, that makes sense .If you are talking about male friendship, then being in a relationship doesn't stop you from having those?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone should or shouldn't be in a relationship. I just don't agree that being in a relationship is something that has to bring you down or restrict your world and your freedom. The same way than some people have a real "best friend", others don't. Some people marry that friend.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 15:53

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace yes, have fun!

OneandTwenty · 16/04/2020 15:53

I am a strong believer that every woman has the potential to be attracted to other women

why and what would be the point of that? It would be like saying every woman has the potential to be attracted to men - is that even true?

MarieQueenofScots · 16/04/2020 15:54

But if you'd presented 23 year-old me with that gloomy view of married life

See that’s kind of the point. I don’t have a gloomy view of married life, I enjoyed my marriage. However I wish I had come upon the realisation sooner than single was a valid choice, a proactive choice not simply a backlash against poor relationships.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 15:54

@OneandTwenty hi, no - not male friendship.

Currently, I go on dates with 10 men, at the same time.

We all know , that we don't want anything serious, and that we are seeing other people. I love it.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 15:57

Like I go to the cinema with one man on Thursday, I go for dinner with a different guy on Sunday. I have been seeing some of these men for a year.

OneandTwenty · 16/04/2020 15:57

Annamaria14
then by all means, make the most of it!

I am honestly not in that stage at all anymore, maybe it will come back, but I had enough fun when I was young, I am happy with my current choice, because I tried. Everybody should have the choice.

OneandTwenty · 16/04/2020 15:59

Plus I really don't like to share... open relationships is really not something for me.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 16:07

@oneandtwenty I am glad that you are happy too!

Yes - it really comes down to - women can do whatever makes their soul happy.

Be single and by yourself.
Be single and date lots of men.
Be in a relationship.

There are loads of options to explore :)

starlightgazers · 16/04/2020 16:09

YANBU OP.

I spent the first 20 odd years of my adult life as part of a couple, as it was seen the norm, and I always felt lacking in some way if I was single. There was also the economic impact of being a single parent to consider, and the potential for only one income.

I've spent the last 10 years single and they have been the least stressful and most productive of my life. Financially, I'm not as well of but that is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

I have a DD (22) who has also discovered the benefits of being single, and seems to achieve so much more when she is. I think societal pressure to become 'married off' is less than it was 20 odd years ago, but it's still there. Both she and I get asked regularly why we are single, and no one seems to consider it is because we like it that way. In fact, when I was dating I was constantly asked 'I don't get why you're single' blah blah like I must be hiding an area I am lacking in ion some way. So I've given up dating too and I don't miss that either.

PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 16:09

I haven’t experienced any pressure and I’ve been single for 4 years (no men at all in that time) I want to meet someone because I want to. I also am not into causal dating the idea of seeing loads of different men is very off putting to me!

givemeacall · 16/04/2020 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 16:13

@pumpkinp I can say that I am seeing loads of different men, but I wouldn't describe it as 'casual'.

Why is seeing more than one man, casual? I actually have beautiful, deep, loving, caring relationships with all of them. I really rhink that being with just one person at a time cuts you off from a lot of love that you could have. It is very possible to love more than one person at once.

Annamaria14 · 16/04/2020 16:15

I know that we have been told that we can only love one person at once,

But it is not true. That was a very limiting idea. You can love lots of people at the same time.

Love was controlled in the old days - we are beginning to break away from that control

OneandTwenty · 16/04/2020 16:17

I actually have beautiful, deep, loving, caring relationships with all of them.

honestly, I am sure you can, but I would struggle a lot with the idea that they have the same relationship with someone else. Selfish maybe, but there you go!