Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?

141 replies

Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:31

I’ve managed to upset one of my oldest friends today. Video call, wine, talking about anything and everything and the conversation moves to my new-ish (7month) relationship.

He and I are both 40s. I have one DC, he doesn’t have any and I reflected that actually I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC, so things just tend to revolve around my family commitments (when we’re not in lockdown Grin) and that it has probably made our relationship easier.

She has become really cross with me and suggested that it was selfish of me to say that. That people with DC shouldn’t be ruled out because they have DC. She has four and has had a difficult time with online dating, I think I hit a nerve. Was I unreasonable?

I’ve apologised and tried to explain but she hasn’t responded. Was IBU?

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 15/04/2020 22:34

YANBU blended families do tend to be problematic. It’s obviously simpler if he doesn’t have his own children to take into account.
But you were insensitive and definitely hit a nerve so you need to backtrack ASAP! Classic case of foot in mouth I’m afraid.

Halo1234 · 15/04/2020 22:36

Yanbu. Think she is being a bit sensitive. It's your opinion that merging families would have been harder with more kids involved. That's a given. You weren't saying you wouldn't date someone with kids just that it was less complex that only one child to think about. I would probably apologise anyway if was me because if she is hurt, she is hurt. Regardless of if she should be hurt. If that makes sense. Not sure I am explaining what I mean well. But don't dwell on it. You said the obvious as far as I can tell.

CalleighDoodle · 15/04/2020 22:36

Well if course youre right, it is less complicated.
But of ciurse you hit a nerve!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2020 22:39

You’re right but you’re lucky he doesn’t feel the same about you!

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:40

I wasn’t at all suggesting that I wouldn’t date someone with DC, it was just a genuine musing about why things have been so easy so far. I have apologised, but she’s very cross Blush

OP posts:
flissity · 15/04/2020 22:43

I don't think you’re U at all. I’ve said loads of times to my now DH that I was glad he didn’t have children! (I have 2) life is less complicated and we get more time alone (although pregnant now so that will change!!) it’s easier to plan holidays etc as we only have to plan around my DC. He’s never took offence to it. It just meant we can have a child together :)

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/04/2020 22:45

Yanbu. You've hit a nerve, you've apologised, I would just give her a bit of time & space to calm down and realise you clearly meant no offence.

MaxNormal · 15/04/2020 22:46

Not unreasonable at all, a man with children would have been a flat-out dealbreaker for me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2020 22:46

Nothing at all wrong with saying you wouldn’t date someone with kids! Wee bit hypocritical but totally fair enough. It’s a fucking minefield. Even when it goes well it’s unimaginably harder than dating someone without kids. Take it from one who knows. Her dating woes aren’t your responsibility.

dancinguser · 15/04/2020 22:47

YANBU, I would never date anyone who had children and I'd never be ashamed to admit that. She's being dramatic.

Londubh · 15/04/2020 22:47

She’s being unreasonable. She may choose not to rule someone out because they’re a parent, just as she might choose not to rule someone in or out because they were blond, too short, too tall, not her physical type, too rich, too poor, a Tory etc etc. She doesn’t get to legislate for your choices.

As to whether your life is easier because your boyfriend doesn’t have children, surely it’s swings and roundabouts? No, you don’t need to consider his offspring, or his 50/50 arrangements or worry about blending families etc, but there’s also the possibility that he’s not used to how full-on and 24/7 having a child can be, or he doesn’t have children because he doesn’t like them..?

Ragwort · 15/04/2020 22:48

She’s being ridiculous and over sensitive. Yes, of course it will be tough for her to meet someone if she’s got four children .... but that’s just being honest and realistic (& amazed she could find the time & energy to date anyway).

fluffdeloop · 15/04/2020 22:51

103% yanbu Hmm

Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?
ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 15/04/2020 22:52

Yanbu. I would never have dated a man with children - it was always a dealbreaker. She’s sensitive as she has 4... not many men would want to take that on but a lot would be okay with 1 or 2. My dh says I can’t dump him now as we have two and will have another... he says he’ll keep giving me babies as I become less appealing to other men with each baby I have Grin. It’s a good job he’s stuck with me then. (Before anyone says anything, dh is joking with me and it’s all very tongue in cheek).

wheresthehope · 15/04/2020 22:53

I have a partner with a child. We also have a baby together but knowing then what I know now I wouldn’t have gone on that tinder date with him!
Never again . I think I would just stay single if we were to break up

Thescrewinthetuna · 15/04/2020 22:54

YANBU, if I was single I would rather not date someone with children even though I have children myself. Equally I’m sure many men wouldn’t want to date me because I have children. I think it’s fine to feel that way.

Cheesecakejar · 15/04/2020 22:56

I married a man with a child from a previous relationship, not going to lie, I wouldn't do it again!!

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:57

Thanks for the reassurance all. I’ll apologise again tomorrow too. I really didn’t mean to upset her at all.

OP posts:
agentdaisy · 15/04/2020 23:01

Yanbu. I think you've definitely hit a nerve with your friend even though it was unintentional. You are right in that it's easier that your dp doesn't have children as it would be much harder.

I have a step child and it was hard enough when Dh and I first got together and when we had our dc, I don't even want to imagine how much harder it would have been if I also had a child when we got together. Blending families is bloody hard work.

If Dh and i ever split up I wouldn't date a man with a child and I wouldn't blame any man who didn't want to date me because I have dc.

VetOnCall · 15/04/2020 23:02

YANBU at all. I would never have dated a man with children. I don't have any myself so not being hypocritical, and I don't 'hate kids', I just don't want that kind of tie or complication in my life.

Ragwort · 15/04/2020 23:02

I am not sure what you feel you need to apologise for ... obviously you are sorry she’s upset but surely she can understand that, with four children, it is going to be incredibly hard for her to meet someone.

Fuchsake · 15/04/2020 23:03

YANBU. Before I had my own DC, I dumped two boyfriends because they had children. I gave it a go in both cases but it was just too much hassle. Now I have DC I understand better than ever how much time, effort and money is taken up with DC. If that’s a deal breaker for someone then fair enough. Your friend is just sensitive because she’s getting turned down for having DC and she doesn’t like it. Four is a lot!

namechange8765455 · 15/04/2020 23:06

Fuck sake, the drama. Get a new friend I say, haha! No more apologising for yourself. Flowers

Thelnebriati · 15/04/2020 23:06

YANBU, you were talking about your situation, not making a judgement about hers.

MargotB7 · 15/04/2020 23:20

I know what you mean When I met my DH he had children but I didn't, we have had one together It was very hard but I am very lucky that his children grew up to be amazing young adults and I am very close to them.