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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?

141 replies

Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:31

I’ve managed to upset one of my oldest friends today. Video call, wine, talking about anything and everything and the conversation moves to my new-ish (7month) relationship.

He and I are both 40s. I have one DC, he doesn’t have any and I reflected that actually I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC, so things just tend to revolve around my family commitments (when we’re not in lockdown Grin) and that it has probably made our relationship easier.

She has become really cross with me and suggested that it was selfish of me to say that. That people with DC shouldn’t be ruled out because they have DC. She has four and has had a difficult time with online dating, I think I hit a nerve. Was I unreasonable?

I’ve apologised and tried to explain but she hasn’t responded. Was IBU?

OP posts:
Littleposh · 16/04/2020 01:40

When I date I purposefully do not consider people with either several, or young children. Purely because I am able (and allowed) to make decisions that fit into my life. Some people might not be quite as selfish as me but that's their decision too.

Disclaimer, I am not for one minute saying that you are selfish!! I am though, but after almost 20 years of raising my kids pretty much by myself I think I deserve some easy child years!!

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2020 01:48

YANBU, you were talking about your relationship, and your situation, what you wanted out of a relationship and how you felt about your partner not having any children.

Does your friend want to date a guy with four kids? I expect she would say yes, no problem, but the reality is that if she did date a guy who also had four kids they would be a couple juggling 8 children's needs while trying to start a new relationship.

Is it possible, I am sure it is, but it's still quite a difficult thing.

I guess she is upset at the current lockdown and managing the kids etc. So just be nice to her but I don't see that you have to apologize for the truth in your relationship and I think she needs to accept everyone is free to date (consensually) whomever they like!

LoveIsLovely · 16/04/2020 01:49

I would never date someone with kids (I mean, I'm married but if I wasn't.) Too many problems before you've even started.

If she has had problems in this area, she's probably sensitive about it so probably not the best person to express that view to.

lyralalala · 16/04/2020 01:57

She's being ridiculous. You didn't say you wouldn't have dated him if he had kids, just that it's been easier that he didn't. Obviously when only one of you has kids it's easier.

That's no more offensive than saying it's easier to date someone that doesn't live too far away or easier to date someone who doesn't work the opposite shift to you.

I wouldn't apologise again, you didn't say anything wrong

Also it's far better when people who don't want to date someone with kids admits so. I've seen several friends date new people who very blatantly don't want anything to do with the children whatsoever and it can get very complicated and hurtful if/when trying to live two separate lives falls apart.

WyfOfBathe · 16/04/2020 02:00

YANBU.

When I started dating DH, he had a DC and I didn't. It certainly was easier than if we'd both had DC and been juggling two lots of childcare, blending families, etc.

But I understand why your friend would be upset, especially if she's been struggling with finding men who will date someone with kids.

jimmyjammy001 · 16/04/2020 02:18

She needs to understand that a single bloke with out any children is very unlikely going to want to date someone who allready has got children and been through that stage in life, having been there and got the t shirt so to speak It definitely would be a deal breaker for me and there unfortunately would be no second date if I found out they allready have got kids of their own. It simply is not worth the hassle.

Coyoacan · 16/04/2020 03:26

Of course yanbu. But a friend of mine was on her own with four children and met a lovely man with whom she went to have two more. All grown up now and they are still together. Nobody really knows if or when they will meet the right person for them. I only had one child and ended up quite happily by myself.

returnofthecat · 16/04/2020 04:08

Well, you're right and you know you are - but it was an insensitive observation to share with someone in her position. It's understandable how you just said it, given you were effectively just thinking out loud, but I think you should apologise again for the sake of the friendship. You can't make her dating situation any easier, but you can make supportive mumblings.

LorenzoStDubois · 16/04/2020 04:25

You do not need to apologise and you most certainly do not need to do it repeatedly.
She's in a snot because something you have said has made her question her own choices.

She's a drama queen and a twat and I would just leave her to her moodies.

givemeacall · 16/04/2020 04:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imstillskanking · 16/04/2020 04:55

You haven't said anything wrong at all. Your friend is being silly.

I would give her some space - we're all a bit tense right now. Lock down is tough, and will especially tough on her with her 4 DC! We're probably all guilty of being more grumpy than usual.

ukgift2016 · 16/04/2020 05:08

YANBU. I have a DD and my partner has no children and it has worked really well! When we dated, I had limited free time and when I was free, he was free! When I dated men with kids, it was very hard to meet up etc due to their commitments.

We now live together which is going well. I imagine if he had a child it be a different dynamic between us all.

Runkatierun · 16/04/2020 05:48

Yanbu. Especially if it's true that you wouldn't rule out everyone who does have kids.
Im married, I wouldn't date someone with kids, but I'd have to find someone who wasnt like me as I have two!

userxx · 16/04/2020 06:02

You've massively hit a nerve but are are not being unreasonable. Life is much easier.

Lynda07 · 16/04/2020 06:04

Not at all unreasonable, one less issue to worry about.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 16/04/2020 06:12

She’s over dramatic

Wallywobbles · 16/04/2020 06:20

DH and I have 2 each. The only thing we argue about are the DC. They're great kids but still. But in reality it's not the kids it's their other parent that causes 90% of the issues for me. I'm from a blended family with 6 kids, but there were no other parents. My mum was dead and the other dad was entirely absent. So there were no other parents to shit stir.

madcatladyforever · 16/04/2020 06:32

Unless you are the Brady bunch blended families are tough. I wouldn't contemplate taking on a man with 4 kids. I'd rather stay single. As a single mum of one I did stay single until my son left home to go to university because I always seemed to attract the wrong kind of man. The type that sponges off single mum's.

pictish · 16/04/2020 06:38

You are not being unreasonable but yes, you’ve clearly hit a nerve.

All you can do is be honest and apologise again.
“No offence was intended. I’m not selfish and I’ve never ruled out dating someone with children...it just so happens that xxx doesn’t have any. I am sorry that my remark annoyed you.”

You can’t do much more than that really. Everyone has got a sore point I guess. If she’s going to continue to hold this against you, then I’m afraid she’d be straying into silly bitch territory in my mind and I’d leave her to it until she can pull her head out of her own backside again.

kmc1111 · 16/04/2020 06:46

YANBU.

I don’t think you were insensitive. She has to be aware that most people wouldn’t be keen on the idea of dating someone with 4 children, and if she’s somehow delusional enough to think it’s a non issue then she needed the reality check.

rwalker · 16/04/2020 06:53

No apoligising you touched a nerve as sounds like she's struggling to date with 4 kids.

soannya · 16/04/2020 06:59

Don’t keep apologising! She’s not a very good friend if she can’t let you have your opinion without throwing a tantrum!

soannya · 16/04/2020 07:01

Oh and I agree with you. It’s a lot easier dating somebody without kids. Who on earth would choose to become a stepmom with all that hassle and a complicated ex situation and all the drama. I wouldn’t jump into that.

Beautiful3 · 16/04/2020 07:03

Your friends being overly sensitive. Four is alot!!! Most people probably wouldnt mind 1 or 2, but not 4!

Mucklowe · 16/04/2020 07:07

Why have you posted two threads about this?