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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?

141 replies

Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:31

I’ve managed to upset one of my oldest friends today. Video call, wine, talking about anything and everything and the conversation moves to my new-ish (7month) relationship.

He and I are both 40s. I have one DC, he doesn’t have any and I reflected that actually I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC, so things just tend to revolve around my family commitments (when we’re not in lockdown ) and that it has probably made our relationship easier.

She has become really cross with me and suggested that it was selfish of me to say that. That people with DC shouldn’t be ruled out because they have DC. She has four and has had a difficult time with online dating, I think I hit a nerve. Was I unreasonable?

I’ve apologised and tried to explain but she hasn’t responded. Was IBU?

OP posts:

midnightstar66 · 16/04/2020 09:11

I'm surprised anyone would judge someone at 40 just because they didn't have dc. There could be any number of reasons and it's not in the rules that every human must have at least one!

I8toys · 16/04/2020 09:15

YANBU - If I ever needed to date again it would preferably be someone without children.

SerenDippitty · 16/04/2020 09:27

No it isn't. If its ok to say you dont want to date a person with kids then its also perfectly ok to say you dont want to date someone without kids.

It’s OK to say you don’t want to date someone without kids. To say that anyone who has got to 40+ without having married or had kids can’t be a good catch is not quite as OK.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/04/2020 09:30

It’s OK to say you don’t want to date someone without kids. To say that anyone who has got to 40+ without having married or had kids can’t be a good catch is not quite as OK

I agree thats a fair point. I dont judge anyone for having/not having kids.

I guess I was trying to point out that it seems perfectly ok to make all sorts of unkind assumptions about dating people with kids (eg. urgh- no thanks! how awful, dont want to be lumped with someone else's kids!) etc
Yet if anyone dares say they dont want to date a person without kids they get flayed alive. I dont like the double standard here.

Mittens030869 · 16/04/2020 09:32

It’s OK to say you don’t want to date someone without kids. To say that anyone who has got to 40+ without having married or had kids can’t be a good catch is not quite as OK.

^This! No one that a woman who hasn't married or had DC isn't a good catch! On the contrary, she would be admired as an independent woman who has made her own way in life, especially if she has a high powered career. (I have a friend who is exactly like this.)

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/04/2020 09:33

she would be admired as an independent woman who has made her own way in life

Agreed. You can also say that about a single mum too who has brought up kids on her own!

Umnoway · 16/04/2020 09:38

YANBU. I have three DC from previous marriage and I wouldn’t date a man who also had children, that was one of my stipulations really. I just don’t like messy blended families with step-siblings and also wouldn’t have liked weekend time spent with the OH’s child/ren when my DC were with their Dad. Selfish, perhaps but just my personal preference. Luckily found DH who had no DC and we now have two together as well.

AlternativePerspective · 16/04/2020 10:13

No it isn't. If its ok to say you dont want to date a person with kids then its also perfectly ok to say you dont want to date someone without kids. Of course it’s ok. But I also think that not wanting to date someone without kids has a lot to do with perception and opinion.

When I split from eXH I took the view that I would rather be in a relationship with someone who had kids because someone who is already a parent would more likely understand the trials and tribulations of being one.

But then I met DP, and while I absolutely thought in the beginning he might want to run a mile because I have a DC and he doesn’t the truth is that he has never shied away from any of the responsibilities which would come with being a parent, and although we don’t live together he has gone above and beyond for my DC.

I do still think that every person needs to be taken on their own merits because not everyone would react as my DP has. But I think that while one party not having children has a good chance of a successful relationship I think that both parties having children is less likely to work. Not just because of the parents, but because the more DC you have the more tensions there will likely be, the more it is likely that some or all of the kids won’t get on, that one person’s kids have a perceived better life if they have contact with their other parent and extended family and the other doesn’t, if one set spends more time there than the other and the list goes on.

Saying you’d never date someone who has never been married at 40 though is offensive because it’s never that simple.

I admit that someone over 40 who had never had a long-term relationship and still lives with their parents would make me think twice, but someone who has been pursuing a career etc doesn’t sit within those limits IMO.

barnabybenny · 16/04/2020 10:52

Well I think YABU to say that to your single friend who has 4 children - it’s hard enough for parents at the minute without feeling like you’re further marginalised by society. Of course dating with children is more tricky, but you were so insensitive to say that to her - almost like rubbing it in her face that you’ve been able to have a relationship when you have one child but trying to have a relationship when you have 4 would be impossible. She probably feels judged and crap, especially if she’s online dating and not actually in a relationship.

Be a bit more aware of your audience is a good start.

midnightstar66 · 16/04/2020 11:36

you were so insensitive to say that to her - almost like rubbing it in her face that you’ve been able to have a relationship when you have one child but trying to have a relationship when you have 4 would be impossible.

How on earth does 'I'm actually quite glad dp has no kids' translate to this!

Ilovetea09 · 16/04/2020 14:20

Yes you've hit a nerve but I agree with you. It's hard enough looking after my own family. I'm not the right type of person to take on someone else's

Healthyandhappy · 16/04/2020 18:12

Tbh me me and my husband split up I'd want someone else with kids as I've been sterilised and ain't having dont want anymore kids!

NoNoNose · 16/04/2020 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImPeckish · 16/04/2020 18:19

YANBU.

Sounds like your convo hit a nerve with her - definitely her issue, you're not at fault at all.

Pinkblueberry · 16/04/2020 18:36

YANBU at all. Or rude. It’s just a true observation that surely anyone with kids can appreciate. I’m married and not looking to date or anything, but if I were then of course it would have been easier for anyone to have dated me back when I didn’t have DS than now that I have him - for all kinds of reasons that surely don’t need explaining. You’re friend is silly.

LolaSmiles · 16/04/2020 18:40

YANBU as you were speaking about your situation not hers.

People are well within their rights to refrain from dating anyone for any reason.

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