Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?

[Bathbedandbeyond]

I’ve managed to upset one of my oldest friends today. Video call, wine, talking about anything and everything and the conversation moves to my new-ish (7month) relationship.

He and I are both 40s. I have one DC, he doesn’t have any and I reflected that actually I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC, so things just tend to revolve around my family commitments (when we’re not in lockdown ) and that it has probably made our relationship easier.

She has become really cross with me and suggested that it was selfish of me to say that. That people with DC shouldn’t be ruled out because they have DC. She has four and has had a difficult time with online dating, I think I hit a nerve. Was I unreasonable?

I’ve apologised and tried to explain but she hasn’t responded. Was IBU?

Interesting because if I came across someone who was in their 40's or older, who hadn't been married or had any DC, I would run a mile too. Someone who gets to that age without any commitment to anyone or anything isn't going to be a decent catch either. If we are going to be judgemental then it is OK for me to say this too.

Some people grow apart, some people become widowed, some people are cheated on. Personally I would want someone who has loved and knows how to love over someone who doesn't have any baggage.

YANBU, when I was online dating I didn’t entertain anyone with kids, like others have said though it’s good thing he felt differently.

How do you feel knowing your fella secretly wishes your kid didn't exist?

I was very wary and not very pleased when DD got into a relationship with her partner, he has two children and the youngest was only six months when his ex wife upped and left, was a year old when DD and he got together.

Fast forward 3 years and they have an 8 month old and have his kids every weekend and half the holidays, they have been lucky, blended families are complicated and difficult, his two kids live 60 miles away , his ex also has an 8 month old baby with her new partner, DD and she went into labour 3 days apart!
plus her partner has full custody of his 8 year old.

It’s hard work and I imagine more relationships fail than succeed.

I find it all a bit hypocritical if I'm honest. HE has to accommodate MY children whilst it's ok for ME not to have to consider accommodating HIS.

Yanbu. I was a single mum to three young kids when I met my DH. He didn't have children until we had one together but it made everything so much easier. If he'd had kids I would have still dated him but selfishly I liked the fact he could fully integrate into my family and love my children as though they were his.
I'd dated a man with children in the past and it complicates things even further if you both have children.

@opticaldelusion Are you the friend?

The op didn’t say she wouldn’t say she wouldn’t date a man with kids, she was merely musing that their relationship has been easier with one child than it would have been with multiple children.

That’s not selfish, that’s just a fact.

You weren’t be selfish and she over-reacted. You were just musing on your relationship, and making an observation. Nothing wrong with that.

I have a four year old, I wouldn’t date someone with children unless they were already independent. My son wouldn’t cope living with someone else’s child, so it just wouldn’t work. Luckily very few people have children in my community, so it didn’t really play on my mind too much when dating.

Interesting because if I came across someone who was in their 40's or older, who hadn't been married or had any DC, I would run a mile too. Someone who gets to that age without any commitment to anyone or anything isn't going to be a decent catch either. If we are going to be judgemental then it is OK for me to say this too.

Do you think this is true of both men and women?

In my twenties I had a serious relationship (ie we were engaged) with a guy with a child. We were together for seven years. It put me off having my own children (to be fair it was never something on the top of my list of priorities). After that I vowed to never date a man with kids ever again.

Met my DH in my early 40s, I was over the moon that he didn't have kids, he felt the same. Relationship is v harmonious for many reasons but not having the added complication that step kids bring definitely helps.

Yanbu.
I love my DH and my dsd, so it isn't a deal breaker for me.
But it would have been easier if I had have met someone with no kids.

YANBU. However, if she is struggling to date, and being rejected alot and its affecting her self esteem I can totally understand why you saying that was like yet another affirmation to her mind that she's "undateable".

Its like, I wouldnt personally ever date a police officer but I wouldnt say that to one of my friends whose partner is a police officer. Yes, of course its my personal choice and I am allowed to think that and feel that but it just doesnt need to be said out loud to someone who is married to one.
Does that make sense?

Interesting because if I came across someone who was in their 40's or older, who hadn't been married or had any DC, I would run a mile too. Someone who gets to that age without any commitment to anyone or anything isn't going to be a decent catch either. If we are going to be judgemental then it is OK for me to say this too

I would agree with this too.

There is no logic in her huff.

She could be taking inspiration and optimism from the fact that, like her, you have kids, and a man who had no kids has started a good relationship with you.

You didn’t say you wouldn’t date a man with kids, your partner had dated a woman with kids, and it is a matter of fact that in making plans you only have one set of kids to work round, not two.

She is taking her own situation out on you.

I would leave it a day or two and let her calm down and regain her perspective.

If you contact her again today and she is still upset she might entrench her feelings about what you said in order to justify her feelings to herself, iyswim.

There's nothing judgemental about saying that.

Relationships ARE easier when children aren't involved imo.

I've got step kids and I in no way wish them away but would my life be a lot easier and stress free? Probably. Doesn't mean I don't love and care for them it's just truth.

Weren't most people's lives easier before kids? Even when they are your own?

YANBU at all.

I met DH when DS14 was 2. Children obviously weren't a dealbreaker for him and he and DS14 get along well - they have a great relationship and the whole world of step-family has been easy. Ex married his DW (who is lovely) 4 years ago and DS14 loves her, too.

However, if DH and I split up I'd have a 14 and 9 year old - there's no way I would be willing to start a relationship with anyone with their own DC. And I appreciate that it's hypocritical of me in the extreme, but I wouldn't do it to my DC. Step families are often fraught - it is a miracle that our current situation works, that Ex and I parent together with our new spouses and consider one another friends; we get together at christmas, birthdays and genuinely like one another. I wouldn't bring other DC into that mix for one second; you don't get that lucky twice in a lifetime.

"Interesting because if I came across someone who was in their 40's or older, who hadn't been married or had any DC, I would run a mile too. Someone who gets to that age without any commitment to anyone or anything isn't going to be a decent catch either. If we are going to be judgemental then it is OK for me to say this too."

This is SO offensive.

Oh god YADNBU! Not everyone wants to be with someone with a child. I’ve been there done that got the T-shirt (and binned it).

I’m a mum of 4 and single, and I fully expect men to not look twice at me. If someone ever does then they need a big shiny medal. If I do miraculously end up in a relationship I wouldn’t expect his world to revolve around my children after my own experience of being a stepparent and the unreasonable expectations put on to me , so I guess that would be the plus of dating me.

Your friend is being ridiculous and she needs a reality check. People with children could potentially get dumped/not even get anywhere with anyone because they have children.

YANBU and she's being a drama llama. What you said had nothing to do with her situation. She's probably jealous you have a partner. If you've already apologised and she won't accept then I think you need to leave her be. Wait for her to contact you.

Also just to add, I don’t actually want to be in a relationship with anyone. My focus is my children and myself. I’ve just come out of a 10 year relationship and don’t intend to be with anyone else for many years. Especially someone with children

How is that unreasonable? I feel totally the same about my DP. Nowt up with that.

I'm a single mama to a nearly 3 year old. If I decide to date at some point I would not want someone with young children. I think it would be too complicated. Older children 16+ not a problem, no children not a problem. I am 43 years old now.

This is SO offensive

No it isn't. If its ok to say you dont want to date a person with kids then its also perfectly ok to say you dont want to date someone without kids.

You cant say the first view is fine but the second one is out of order lol
It cuts both ways