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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?

141 replies

Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:31

I’ve managed to upset one of my oldest friends today. Video call, wine, talking about anything and everything and the conversation moves to my new-ish (7month) relationship.

He and I are both 40s. I have one DC, he doesn’t have any and I reflected that actually I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC, so things just tend to revolve around my family commitments (when we’re not in lockdown Grin) and that it has probably made our relationship easier.

She has become really cross with me and suggested that it was selfish of me to say that. That people with DC shouldn’t be ruled out because they have DC. She has four and has had a difficult time with online dating, I think I hit a nerve. Was I unreasonable?

I’ve apologised and tried to explain but she hasn’t responded. Was IBU?

OP posts:
MargotB7 · 15/04/2020 23:24

YANBU to not want to go through that though, not everyone gets the same experience.

BackforGood · 15/04/2020 23:30

What Theinebriati said.

You were looking for possible reasons why things have gone smoothly this far, and, obviously, it is going to be easier when not trying to work round two lots of dc.
That is a fact.
The fact that it upset her means it is a very touchy subject for her, but friends can't always avoid saying anything that might upset another person - that would be a pretty controlling friendship. She should be pleased for you.

There is no need to go on apologising. Yes, apologise that you upset her, then move on. She shouldn't want to stop you talking about this lovely time in your life, because at the moment you have something she doesn't, that's not how friendships work.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/04/2020 23:30

No yanbu just very honest!

AcrossthePond55 · 15/04/2020 23:31

I don't think you need to apologize. We each have a right to set our own dating 'parameters'.

I never dated anyone with children as I knew I'd never marry anyone with children. That was my decision based on what I wanted for my life. Did I 'miss out' on some nice men? Probably. But it was still my choice and my right.

I can understand a single parent feeling sensitive about being 'passed over' because they have children. But them's the breaks. I'm sure I was 'passed over' by men back in the day for any number of reasons.

FlapAttack23 · 15/04/2020 23:32

@ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie it’s all joking, til it happens 😂 #gotthetshirt

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/04/2020 23:34

I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC well that's really just stating the bleeding obvious.
You don't reveal the ages of your friends' children, but the thought of being stuck at home with four sounds a nightmare.
YANBU, but it's not unreasonable for her to be on a very short fuse.

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 23:44

Thanks all. I do think she’s probably exhausted at the moment, so probably more sensitive for that reason too. I’ll try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
peppermintcapsules · 15/04/2020 23:50

When I had no kids myself, I would not date a person with kids at all. Total dealbreaker. Now I have older children - teen/young adult - if I found myself single I'd probably not bother dating again at all but would definitely not date anyone with young children or mix/blend families. It usually sucks for the kids, the blending, and is more about the parents' need to shack up than the kids' best interests.

Mintychoc1 · 15/04/2020 23:52

YANBU to feel as you do, but it was thoughtless to say it to her, knowing her situation.

Blubelle7 · 16/04/2020 00:03

YANBU. I never wanted a blended family situation because of the complications so deliberately never dated men with children. I married a men with no children and we had DC together. If we were to split I would only date men without children who didn't want any as I would rather be single until the day I die than be in a blended family situation.

My mum had a blended family and it was a train wreck and it is still the gift that keeps on giving with trauma and depression on all sides. Some people come out well adjusted and unscathed and some don't just like in 2 parent families or single parent families or any family really. But I'm not willing to take that risk, I can't avoid the risk of being a single parent if I were to divorce my DH but i can definitely choose not to bring a man with kids into their lives and avoid the inevitable tug and war that comes with accommodating one another. It may work or it may not, but I dont want to find out and I dont think it is wrong to verbalize that.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 16/04/2020 00:05

YANBU. You're a single mum, she's a single mum, she's being oversensitive and turning your good fortune into being all about her. She's probably just going a bit crazy with being stuck on her own at home with 4 kids and wishing she had another adult to talk to, she's also probably spent too much time with Peppa Pig or Little Baby Bum on a permanent loop if she's got young kids, and she will probably be more like her old and presumably lovely self once all this is over.

MrMeSeeks · 16/04/2020 00:08

You’ve done nothing wrong! You’re entitled to your feelings, you’re not knocking her.
You’ve Apologised when there was no need to, leave it now.

MrsSnitchnose · 16/04/2020 00:08

Ugh, I have 1DS. He's 12 now and I'm never having another. I wouldn't want to date a man with children, I don't want any more kids, mine or otherwise

SharonasCorona · 16/04/2020 00:10

I wouldn't apologise again. You're entitled to your feelings.

Lalala205 · 16/04/2020 00:14

I can understand why it touched a nerve for her, but I'd be interested to know if she would then balk at the notion of dating a man with 4 kids too? 8 children and 2 adults in one household would be a lot!

Mustbethewine · 16/04/2020 00:18

YANBU. I've always said that I wouldn't date a man with children, which is strange I guess considering I have 2 DC myself 🤷‍♀️

Cheesepleas3 · 16/04/2020 00:24

I agree you shouldn't apologise again. My DP has children from a previous relationship and as much as I love him dearly, in hindsight I often wish I stuck to not dating men with children!

SooPDoZang · 16/04/2020 00:24

YANBU

When I started dating i point blank wasnt interested in someone who already had children

Why would i be? I want the focus to be on my own children, not someone else's

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/04/2020 00:26

Do none of you think the other way? I.e why would a man with no children want to date someone with children?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/04/2020 00:29

Dating and forming relationships are not the same as hiring employees. You're allowed to set whatever parameters and be as exclusive as you like.

If you're not a lesbian, I presume you would automatically exclude any women from being potential partners purely on the basis of their sex - and that is entirely and unreservedly your choice. You could have an irrational hatred of the name John and therefore refuse to consider dating any man with that name at first click - and you would be 100% within your rights to do this.

The only unreasonable thing would be to go on to ignore or treat his children dismissively, if you had chosen to date a man whom you knew had kids.

She's obviously upset because she's projecting your circumstances on to her own, but you are not her and she is not you. Even if you were a single man looking to date and your paths had crossed with hers - and you were either determined that you didn't want to date a woman with kids or preferred it if your potential dates didn't have kids, then you would not be a match for her anyway. Surely she would rather not make any initial contact with a man who didn't want to take on somebody else's kids and instead concentrate her efforts on men for whom this isn't an issue? Anything else is just wasting everybody's time and hopes.

Hunnybears · 16/04/2020 00:29

My DH doesn’t have children and was adamant he didn’t wave to date anyone with children and actively said so on his dating profile many moons ago.

Then he met and fell in love with me 😬 2 DC and how things change. We often laugh about the fact he was so sure he wouldn’t/couldn’t date someone with kids originally.

Totally see why it would put people off though, especially a blended family with kids from each side etc... and if their ex was a nut case etc... all these things would make it difficult.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/04/2020 00:38

Do none of you think the other way? I.e why would a man with no children want to date someone with children?

Maybe he likes kids but is infertile - or maybe he likes older kids but hates the messiness, restrictions and the sleepless nights of the baby and toddler stage.

More likely, I think, he would have an open mind about it (not saying that those who don't are in any way wrong, as long as they're honest about their preferences from the start), fall in love with a woman who happens to be a mother and then decide that the whole package that she offers - including her kids - is one that he wants to attach himself to and become a part of himself.

Feodora · 16/04/2020 00:43

Yanbu to think it, but if she is a close friend that you know this is a sensitive subject for her, it was a bit thoughtless. However, you have apologised and that should be the end of it.

EL8888 · 16/04/2020 00:47

YANBU l see why you feel like that. Personally l wouldn’t date someone with children, maybe if they were grown up but not little children

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/04/2020 00:48

I am happily married but if I wasn’t I would definitely choose a man with children as we’d have more in common.

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