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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to say I’m happy that boyfriend doesn’t have DC?

141 replies

Bathbedandbeyond · 15/04/2020 22:31

I’ve managed to upset one of my oldest friends today. Video call, wine, talking about anything and everything and the conversation moves to my new-ish (7month) relationship.

He and I are both 40s. I have one DC, he doesn’t have any and I reflected that actually I think my life is easier because he doesn’t have DC, so things just tend to revolve around my family commitments (when we’re not in lockdown Grin) and that it has probably made our relationship easier.

She has become really cross with me and suggested that it was selfish of me to say that. That people with DC shouldn’t be ruled out because they have DC. She has four and has had a difficult time with online dating, I think I hit a nerve. Was I unreasonable?

I’ve apologised and tried to explain but she hasn’t responded. Was IBU?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 16/04/2020 07:09

It's a fair comment. If he had DC both sets may not get on but be stuck with each other, there's the complication of different parenting styles and having to tiptoe around the DP's DC and so on.

BIL was dating a lovely woman for nearly 5 years. His DC are a couple of years older than hers. He loved her, his DC loved her AND her DC she loved them back....but he really didn't like her DC. The subject of moving in came up and it looks like they've split up (his FB status is now single). Rightly he couldn't live with DC he didn't like - it would have been dreadful for them to know that.

My point is that 5 years have been wasted. He knew he wasn't keen on her DC in the beginning. Should have called it quits then.

AnnUumellemahaye · 16/04/2020 07:12

I agree with you. It is easier. Ut then I could also say that you are lucky your boyfriend is willing to consider you with a child, because it would uNdoubtedly be easier for him if you didn’t have any. And as a man, it’s easier for him to find a younger woman who hasn’t had kids yet, should he want any of his own at some point.

I have adult sons and I ALWAYS tell them life will be much, much easier if they avoid dating women who already have kids. Luckily they know it and apart from one brief fling it hasn’t happened yet.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 16/04/2020 07:12

Having been a step child and dealing with blended families since a young age I would never date someone with children. If anything happens to DH I will stay single until DS is well established as an independent adult.

PopcornsPopping · 16/04/2020 07:16

This is one of those things that everybody knows and agrees with, but you don’t mention as people with dc (or partnered with people with dc) get sensitive and upset over it.

I’m sure you knew this already so I’m not sure why you are pretending to be so surprised. Go and be a better friend to your friend.

EricaNernie · 16/04/2020 07:20

you were not unreasonable but should have kept your thoughts to yourself in her case

Livingoncake · 16/04/2020 07:23

Yeah, your friend needs to realise that dating is not an equal opportunities employer. People can pass over potential mates for any reason they choose.

I'm married with 3 DC, but I already know that I wouldn't bother dating again if I were to become single. It would just be too complicated with my kids alone, before you even factor in any kids my potential partner might have. Plus, Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to the sorts of wasters and cocklodgers who target single mums. I know that's not all men, but I can't be arsed dealing with that shit to try and find a good'un.

But that's just me. Plenty of single mums on here would like to find love again, and good luck to them. You said nothing wrong, OP, but I guess your friend is feeling shit about the lack of dating prospects. Ask her if she needs to talk/vent?

AnnUumellemahaye · 16/04/2020 07:30

Actually I would say the same to my daughters too, if I had any.

My best friends DD who is in her mid twenties has recently broken up with a lovely man because he already has two young children and says he has no intention of having more. It that she wants any yet, ut she wants to know it’s on the table. I think he’s just been so scarred by his experience with his ex getting pg very young, he didn’t want her to go through with the PG but she insisted so he never took up his place at uni which would have taken him away from home, and got a job instead. They moved in together as a family and he is a great dad. They had another child (planned) quite quickly, got engaged etc. Then she signed up for uni herself, met someone else and ended it, told him to move out. He’s had to move back home through absolutely no fault of his own while she gets to have a home of her own, live with the kids and is getting a degree with financial help that he would not be eligible for because he doesn’t have full time custody of the children. Meanwhile she’s doing the ‘I won’t be one of those stereotypical teenage mums with no education’ thing. He won’t leave his job and do the same because he sees it as his place to be financially stable for his children, who he still sees every single day.

Because of this sorry mess he is adamant he can’t consider being with someone who will want children. He’s financially strapped enough as it is, with no hope of being able to afford his own place and he can’t risk it happening to him a second time. And he really is a prize, genuinely a lovely decent responsible young man who in different circs would be a total catch.

My friends DD wants someone who she can have the dream with, a family of her own and not a shit ton of complicated baggage.

midnightstar66 · 16/04/2020 07:31

I have 2dc and would be quite happy to meet someone that didn't. Would certainly make life easier all round. If I were to meet someone who also had kids for example then blending families that's already a bigger car needed - or 2 cars to go anywhere. Most people don't have a spare room which could be problematic. YANBU

onanothertrain · 16/04/2020 07:34

You're right that it makes things easier however as you've said it means the relationship revolves around you and your DC she is right, it is selfish. It's also hypocritical.

Batmanandbobbin · 16/04/2020 07:37

Yanbu at all. I had two dc before meeting my dp and I would have never dated anyone with children. Selfishly (I know very selfishly) I wouldn’t have been able to give their children the attention they deserved by an adult in their life.

AnnUumellemahaye · 16/04/2020 07:46

I am also a child of divorced parents and although my mum never remarried when I was a child I did experience an awful stepmother, a step sibling I didn’t really like, and a string of my mothers boyfriends who I generally despised. It’s a shit show all round. The only people who refuse to accept this are single parents intent on being with someone. They seem to have this rose tinted idea of blended families that absolutely NOBODY else shares..

This is why I always, always advise people against becoming a single parent by choice. Even if you think you are flipping superwoman it’s not the walk in the park you think it will be. Even if you manage well financially and practically on your own, you are tainted by it as far as finding Mr Right is concerned.

And that includes making the choice to go ahead with an accidental PG when you know full well the father probably isn’t going to go the distance. You are setting yourself up for a rough ride. Men without kids of their own yet will give you a wide berth if they have any sense. Harsh but true. They may have some fun with you but getting one to commit and take on someone else’s children is another matter. Most of the ones who seem happy to do it are also the ones who probably have a few kids of their own scattered around, and don’t hesitate to move on when it ceases to be convenient.

Sceptre86 · 16/04/2020 07:50

It upset her, you have apologised. She will hopefully move on. It is a good thing your partner doesn't think like you or you would be on your own.

ImeldaJ · 16/04/2020 07:51

Your friend is right, you are selfish to want a relationship to revolve around just you and your kids all while expecting a man to accept that his life should revolve around children that aren't his own. But you have every right to say what you feel, and your friend shouldn't take your preferences so personally.

I'm surprised by the replies, too. If a man with children said he prefers to be with women with no children, he'd most likely be classified as a misogynistic dick.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 16/04/2020 07:51

YANBU she sounds a bit dramatic but maybe she'd never questioned before that someone may be put off her because she has children, especially 4. Everyone has their preferences. You have to suck it up. The dating game isn't fair unfortunately

Mittens030869 · 16/04/2020 07:55

YANBU in saying that it makes your relationship easier, as of course it does. However, it was insensitive to say this to your friend, when she's struggling with 4 DC and online dating.

She has overreacted, though, I used to be upset about things people said when I was struggling with infertility but managed not to fall out with anyone over it.

Livingoncake · 16/04/2020 07:57

@ImeldaJ

Do you think so? I'd never judge a man for saying he'd rather a woman with no kids - it's not misogynistic, it's just logical.

Cam77 · 16/04/2020 08:00

Four children would definitely be terrifying for a lot of potential partners (be they male or female) as that’s four extra people you need to build a relationship with.

Healthyandhappy · 16/04/2020 08:06

Tbh if man said he wouldn't date anyone with kids is this not the same

AnnUumellemahaye · 16/04/2020 08:07

I'm surprised by the replies, too. If a man with children said he prefers to be with women with no children, he'd most likely be classified as a misogynistic dick.

Yes, on here he definitely would! But MN is full of defensive single mums and people who just loathe men and see misogyny in everything full stop.

It’s the same when there is a thread asking ‘would you date someone of a different race to you?’ and then people are called racists for saying there are certain ethnicities they are just not physically attracted to, or certain people they would avoid because of a clash of cultural values, even though there are others of different race that would consider.

In the end we are all entitled to pick and choose what we do and don’t want for ourselves and our relationships, for any reason at all. It makes good sense to avoid becoming involved with people where there is a sense there might be potential trouble ahead. If you don’t date them in the first place then you have avoid that potential problem.

Obviously if you meet and fall in love with someone organically, like being mates or colleagues with them first, before gradually developing feelings then it can’t be helped.

But why accept a date from a stranger, or engage with them via OLD or whatever, if you already know they don’t fit the brief? It’s just asking for trouble.

Ragwort · 16/04/2020 08:08

Imelda I would respect a man for being honest, it is a well known fact that many men specifically ‘target’ single mothers ...... Sad

heartsonacake · 16/04/2020 08:10

YANBU. Let’s be honest here, if given a fair choice, nobody would ever go out with someone with kids if they didn’t have to. It’s too much of a mess.

But of course, the world isn’t fair and there aren’t a lot of choices.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2020 08:10

No, YWNBU, she's just being hypersensitive because she's finding it hard herself.
She shouldn't have turned on you like that.

ImeldaJ · 16/04/2020 08:17

Yes, I see it all the time that women get disappointed and insult men that don't want to be with them, because they have children. But on the other hand, men with children tend to not understand how revolving one's life around HIS children is a problem. They seem to always undermine how serious of an issue it is.

midnightstar66 · 16/04/2020 08:18

Surely it's perfectly acceptable if a man chooses to only date a person without children as well. How is it misogynistic? After a certain age they are probably massively limiting their choice but it's theirs to make. Strange to think otherwise.

AlternativePerspective · 16/04/2020 08:19

It’s not selfish or hypocritical.

Reality is that if someone has kids then they need to be realistic and accept that for many people that would be a dealbreaker. In fact I would be more surprised at someone wanting to date someone with four kids than someone who didn’t.

I wouldn’t date someone with children even though I have one. But equally I wouldn’t expect someone to date me if children were a deal-breaker for them.