To open a cafe?

[turnandfacethenamechange]

Its nearly five am here and I'm still awake fretting about everything.

So I thought now might be a good time to open that sandwich bar I've always dreamed of owning.

While it has the distinct drawback of being entirely imaginary, that does mean shelf life, kitchen space and profit margins are less of a concern.

Here's the menu:

BREKKIE: served til 11am.

• In a large soft white or granary bap: Sausage, bacon or fried egg (red or brown sauce). Opinion to add mushrooms, cooked tomatoes and a hash brown.
• Vegan brekkie wrap (tofu scramble, tofurkey sausage, red peppers).

LUNCH
Available on basic sliced, thick-cut, in baguette or in wrap or panini where practical; all with optional salad:

• chicken/ham/roast beef salad
• chicken, bacon and avo
• chicken mayo and sweetcorn
• coronation chicken
• roast beef, horseradish, watercress
• corned beef and mustard
• ham and tomato
• brie, cranberry and bacon
• B, L, T
• bacon and avo
• smoked salmon and cream cheese
• dill trout in lemon mayo
• tuna mayo
• tuna salad (tuna mayo with chopped peppers, red onion and sweetcorn)
• seafood cocktail
• prawn in Marie rose
• egg mayo
• boiled egg and tomato
• cheddar and salad (pickle?)
• brie and cranberry
• mozerella and mixed roast veg
• pesto, mozerella, pine nuts and tomato
• cream cheese, pineapple and cucumber
• peanut butter and banana
• marmite and cucumber
• tapinade, grated carrot and salad
• hummus salad
• tofu (vegan) mayo with capers
• curried chickpea smash

I can add a sprinkling of ready salted crisps from the big bowl on the counter for an extra 15p.

TODAY'S HOT SPECIALS:

• Shark Bap (deep fried battered dogfish pieces in a bap with homemade tartare sauce)
• Pumpkin Pasty

Usual enigma variations of coffee. Milk; moo, oat or soy. Hot chocolate. Cold drinks in the fridge behind you.

What can I get you?

Smashed avocado on sourdough would be good.

I think you could cut down the sandwich offering (no-one wants trout or pineapple in their sandwich!)

Could I have a prawn in Marie rose baguette with salad please? I'd like a can of blood orange San Pellegrino from your amazing pre-recipe change stock. Don't suppose you have a chocolate brownie, do you?

BLT baguette

BLT on granery please, extra mayo, flat white.

Yes too many fillings - it’ll cost you too much. Also charge more for the crisps. Do a drink meal deal. And do avocado separately from bacon as lots of veggies like it.
I’d like avocado, tomato and vegan mayo on seedy bread with some kind of nice cold drink and maybe a traybake and soya coffee for afters.

Oh and I’d love an old style Irn Bru or a 1970s Fanta.

Don't suppose you have a chocolate brownie, do you?

I do, and banana bread actually!

Breakfast: avocado, sourdough, poached eggs, roast tomato, flat mushroom and greens.
Lunch: BLT with lashing of mayo.
PS. We need decent teas and coffees.

I'd like a can of blood orange San Pellegrino from your amazing pre-recipe change stock

Top tip - that stuff mad good as a mixer in cocktails

Wouldn’t come if you actually called it Brekkie

There's also Orangena in the glass bottles (time travel also allowed).

Can’t we have a late night ‘I’m only having one glass of wine but I’ve had 3‘ special.

YABVVU for not offering baked beans in the breakfast baps, and the ‘brown sauce’ better be proper HP or Daddies!

You are also BU for clearly having an option of a deep fryer (for the dogfish) but not offering a chip butty.

YABVVU for not offering baked beans in the breakfast baps

Hmm potentially available as "eat at your own peril". Have never managed to have beans in a bap without needing a new top on afterwards

It's not a Mumsnet cafe unless your offering Good Coffee, Decent Tea and homemade cake, served on/in Proper China.

served on/in Proper China

Naaaah chants MUGS MUGS MUGS

Marmite and cucumber?!!!!!!!!

turnandfacethenamechange But that’s part of the whole experience! The “oh shit I knew this was a crap idea”!

Marmite and cucumber?!!!!!!!!

I am not wrong.
Possibly with cheddar as well if you're a cheese fan.
But British Marmite not that Australian shite (I don't mean Vegemite I mean the one in the red topped jar).

Dyrne I actually once tried the local greasy spoon special - fried egg, tomato, hashbrown, beans and sausage in a bit of sawn off Tesco's french stick. It was extremely messy and weirdly satisfying.

Oh god you’re reminding me of my first job in London. Tiny office on the edge of an industrial estate with a proper old school caff on the edge of it. Fry ups all day, baked potatoes and sandwiches how you like. I ate a BLT white baguette with ready salted crisps and a Diet Coke every day while reading through abandoned copies of the Sun and chatting to the cafe owner. And I still magically stayed a size 8 despite scarfing carbs every day (more often than not the lunch was soaking up a hangover).

Aaaand now I’m hungry. Thanks OP

I just can’t imagine who goes to a cafe to buy a marmite and cucumber baguette!

What I’d really like is houmous with olives and grated carrot salad. Ideally in seedy sourdough bread. Could you fix me up with one? Toasted? And a black americano. I’ve got a refillable cup.

Do you have blood orange cake coated in dark chocolate to take away please?
If so, can I have the entire cake and a large carton of double cream to go.
Thank you. 🤗

I’d like tea with oat milk & AVo onion & pepper on toast.

I just can’t imagine who goes to a cafe to buy a marmite and cucumber baguette!

You be amazed actually. The cream cheese and pineapple thing isn't made up either.... people used to order it a lot where I used to work. I eventually tried it and like it very much, weirdly! Never peanut butter and banana though weirdos

Blimey, I've read the room wrong on the bread; is sourdough really a better baguette than a French one? Best get on the blower to Dave the Bake.

I’ve got a refillable cup

For that you get 15% off your coffee