AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

Children can have more than one primary care under attachment theory. If the child’s emotional needs are being met, you’re abc your ex will come a very poor second.

@sauvignonblancplz are you honestly so naive as to be politically correct you would place it above a young babies basic biological need? noone is saying that a fathers role is not equally as important but we are different for a reason and unfortunately we simply cant do everything the other does. in an ideal world everyone's parents would have perfect relationships and never break up but in this situation they arent together and the childs main caregiver up until now has been his mum. to suddenly be away from her for such a long time when he is so young is not right

and if you bothered to read the updates properly you would see the OP did actually want to stay at the house but in the spare room - the father refused, which is a fact those who are bashing the OP seem to keep conveniently missing when accusing her of being controlling etc. I actually think she has been a very fair and has definitley tried to think of solutions. I also can sympathise with both parents being away from their baby - I couldn't let my 4 month old be away from me 3 nights of the week and I wouldnt allow it. so what? does that make me controlling? of course not - it makes me a mum and my babies dad is not so unreasonable that he would put me through that, he would see our daughter every day if he had to but wouldnt dream of taking her over night

maybe you could read the updates from OP she wanted to stay in spare room but the ex said no
OP left! Surely if she'd wanted to stay in the spare room, she could have done so and if he wasn't happy he could have been the one going elsewhere.

@Bigbird32, no one said it was easy, just like it must not have been easy for this man to see his partner leaving him taking with her the baby he got to say good night every night. Her 'its not easy' was certainly no worse than his, yet somehow, many here seems to think that hers trump everything. Why? Oh yes, because she's a woman with the womb.

As someone already said, this thread is so sexist.

oh yes, the OP should of stayed when he didnt want her to and said no, that would of been a lovely atmosphere for the baby again an example of someone so desperate to be politically correct they overlook common sense

I don't think anyone's trying to be politically correct - some of us genuinely don't agree that the mother needs to be the primary carer for any reason other than breastfeeding, which is something that not everyone does.

It doesn't automatically follow that anyone that says that is lying to be politically correct. In my opinion, attitudes like the ones expressed in this thread have a highly negative impact on everyone involved, with mothers being expected to take on full responsibility for raising the children, fathers being pushed out of sharing the load and/or allowed to capitalize and be lazy, and the kids suffering less equal, content parents as a result, and continuing the cycles.

OP have you looked on Ginger bread site for advice? or the citizens advice, or some family law firms may have some advice on their websites.

Regarding the study in America, No way near enough info given to tell anything from that. And Neither does it mention attachement to the fathers.

@sauvignonblancplz yes suffering because their primary care giver has disappeared for 24 hours plus. Damaging.

You didn't have to move out of your joint home, but I suspect as you ended the relationship, their may have been some guilt.

I also think it would have been a toxic environment if you stayed and you would have been doing all the childcare...this way, he at least steps up as a dad.

It gives you a break.

@aSofaNearYou none of that applies here. the mother has been and is primary caregiver his whole life thus far - he should not be spending 72 hours at a time away from her at such a young age

@cherrybunx0

The comments you have been picking on to accuse of political correctness were written in response to the many people on this thread who have argued that children need their mum to be the primary carer. The discussion has grown wider than just the OP.

She shouldn't have upped and left without a thought of how it might impact her tiny baby. When you have a baby you put their needs first.

@aSofaNearYou yes because the person I mentioned seemed to be claiming that mother and father, plus their roles are the same when that's just not true and for good reason. again, noone is saying a fathers role isnt important but it is not the same as a mothers I'm sorry but it's really not.

@Celerysam lets not push the message that people should remain in unhealthy, unloving relationships where people feel unappreciated. this puts noones needs first - especially not a baby who then grows up in the toxic environment

I appreciate that this probably isn't how other people would operate but Ex and I split when DS1 (now 14) was 5 months old. It was awful and we spent time going through what we felt would work and how we'd keep him settled and constant.

It took time but we agreed that neither of us believed in 50/50, and neither of us wanted a court order or a battle. So we learned to be flexible and work out between us when it was right for him to spend time with us both. I'm sure looking back his Dad could have dug his heels in more but we spent time together as a unit, spent time with DS1 by ourselves, made allowances for family events and special occasions and now he's 14 and we're still friendly - on his birthday we all get together, at Christmas we all get together.

I'm sure it won't work for everyone but I don't think I'd have been happy trying 50/50 when he was so small, and I don't think DS1 would have been happy, either. The way we moved through it was so much kinder on us all; Ex is a great dad, has a great bond with our son and I have nothing but respect for him.

@cherrybunx0 The mother has admitted her partner does a lot for the baby, a lot whilst working.she is changing that sentiment as it suits this current narrative today. The narrative will change daily depending on the mother’s mood.
She has admitted on previous threads she’s struggles to bond with the baby and worries about not having the support of the dad as she suffers from MH problems.
She had a baby to make her partner love her, she decided it didn’t work and moved quickly 90mins away.
If the situation was reversed the opinions would be very different.
The OP needs to seek real life help and just base her decisions on the fact that she had the baby so oh well she’s chief decision maker.

if that's the case I do get where you're coming from but I still dont think its appropriate for a baby of such a young age to be taken away from its main caregiver for an extended period of time

@cherrybunx0 again, as someone who did not breastfeed - me and my partner's roles are not different, other than the fact that we have different personalities and rapport with her. We equally share the caregiving roles, including any night wakings, and my daughter would be just as happy with either of us, she has been raised that way and is perfectly happy and secure.

@cherrybunx0 Context is everything.

I agree with all your posts @cherrybunx0.

Celerysam lets not push the message that people should remain in unhealthy, unloving relationships where people feel unappreciated. this puts noones needs first - especially not a baby who then grows up in the toxic environment**

But people leave too easily and have children without thinking do I really want this person forever. Far far too many have complicated upbringings due to their parents choices. People leave and give up too quickly.

No one should stay forever in a relationship that makes them deeply unhappy but I also think people have a fairy tale idea of marriage. It should be happy but will have ups and downs. 14 months ago she loved him so deeply she wanted his child and to be with him forever.

celery that's lovely in theory but life is far more complicated than that. I agree some people have kids in less than ideal relationships for their own reasons or because of a misguided belief it will make the relationship better (sometimes it does!) but often it adds more pressure, however life is far too short to stay in a relationship you know deep down isnt for you. as long as your both putting said child first then not being together is better than being in a crap relation shop

@cherrybunx0 Of course things don’t work out sometimes.
However let’s not encourage the OP to make any more rash decisions when she’s made quite enough already.
Especially when the poor child has a very loving hands on dad who now is only seeing him twice a week and is on his own with a mother, who by her own admission mother’s him in a robotic fashion, doesn’t cuddle him and feels she doesn’t love him the way she should.
She needs to be encouraged to value the fathers role rather than control it and to seek support for her own well being.
Moving the baby away from his other primary care giver at this point is quite frightening actually.

A baby going to childcare is entirely different to a baby being away overnight/multiple days. They can only hold an image of their primary caretaker in their head for so long (this is how a child psychiatrist at court mediation explained it, roughly translated), separation longer than that time can be harmful. For a 2 year old it is around 2 days so it will be shorter for a 5 month old.

sauvignon what has she done that is rash? I dont think she has tried to control the dads role atall, I think its perfectly valid to question their current set up, especially in the current climate and shows care for her son if anything whether it's in his best interest to be ferried up and down 90 minutes twice a week...I dont think we were going to completely agree on this though as you clearly have formed an opinion of the OP in your mind, therefore even when I say something valid such as my response to celery you are going to use it as another opportunity to further dig her out which isnt helpful particularly

@cherrybunx0

I think you need to see some sense in your very clouded judgement . My only opinion is based from the OP- her actions now and in her many, many threads that date back only as far as 10days. Clearly she’s struggling and in dire need of support , even more importantly there’s an innocent 5month old in the middle of this.
Your advice is based upon one premise that is if it’s a mother she gets first dibs on the parenting no matter what the circumstances.
I suggest you grow up and stop fanning the flames of a dire situation.