AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll sorry, for all you just said is well and good but I wouldnt be able to fight my natural maternal instincts and would probably tear anyone to pieces who tried to separate me from my baby at such a young age for a 72 hour period. as someone else said before at our most basic we are animals - its unnatural to remove young from their mothers for long periods of times. that's not to say fathers are not equally important and dont or shouldnt play a huge role in a babies life but please dont eye roll or play down the biology argument it's not just a load of spiel for mums to get their own way in most of us it's an integrated instinct

Well said @WeBuiltThisCityonSausageRoll

I'm not sure where all the "laying into OP" comments are coming from. I don't think many have particularly laid into OP on this thread, more the possessive, territorial views in the comments designed to empower her to think a child can never go a night without their mother without suffering eternally, full stop. They're not based on fact, they're based on "like hell would I, supreme mother, allow this..." and "it just is the way I say it is".

In my opinion, people like that will never understand what it's like to raise a child equally, or that it can be done, because it's obviously ingrained in their psyche that they should be the main parent. I'm no longer surprised that MN is full of people complaining their kid's dads don't help them and/or aren't interested in their kids, and of it's coming from people with the kind of views expressed on here, then my sympathy is limited.

I'm not sure where all the "laying into OP" comments are coming from. I don't think many have particularly laid into OP

Have you read the thread fully? There's quite a few and all there to be read.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I will never agree that 50/50 is in the best interest of a very young baby just so it can Be Fair To Dad. I think too many posters are using this thread to get on their soap boxes about men having equal rights over children when for me I am trying to answer the op and her situation and not generalise.

Why has Dad, who never did much actual practical care before decided he wants 50/50? OP was the main carer but suddenly when she ends the relationship he wants 50/50. Why, if he is such a loving and responsive father has he asked for this and not segued into it gradually as the baby got older and he got more used to caring for him. OP is being harangued for lack of maternal instinct but no one is mentioning Dad prioritising what he wants over the needs of a baby and the baby's mother. It feels as though he is punishing her for leaving him and being enthusiastically joined in that by many posters on this thread.

There's more to this than meets the eye. Most women who have recently given birth do not leave their home and long term relationship and agree to 50/50 care for a very young baby for flimsy, whimsical reasons. OP is being forced into doing what feels wrong to her and when she came here for help in how to adjust this to something better for her and her child she was shamed and her other posts used against her. Awful. Anyone can leave a relationship for any reason and they should not be punished for it by using the children of the relationship to do so. Even though she left she still has as much say in what is best for her child as she ever did and should not be guilted into ignoring that because she had the temerity to leave a relationship she was unhappy in. I think some people on here don't realise that.

@aSofaNearYou no, not never go a night but ask yourself this - why is it men cannot naturally bear children or feed? is it all the superior mothers taking it away from them? bonkers argument to say men and women are exactly the same, I agree both play an important role but it isnt and never was intended to be the same

and for your information me and my babies dad are doing a lovely job of raising our daughter equally but he would not and does not want to take her away from me for 72 hours and do you know why? because she doesnt settle in the same way for him and she looks for me after a few minutes of being in his lap, then settles when she realises I'm still in the same room - I havent done that to her so for your point to stand true and because you insist on things being 50/50 it actually would upset my daughter being away from me 3 days but I guess that wouldnt count for anything with you would it, aslong as you can scream equality at people

@cherrybunx0 women can't naturally have children without men either. Obviously they have different roles in terms of conception but that doesn't mark mum as "main" parent for life. Especially when the baby isn't breastfed, which I can only assume OPs isn't or this arrangement would never have been possible.

Naturally, a majority of men are stronger so better at sport snd DIY as well, but them being more naturally built for something doesn't mean they are the only ones capable of doing it and nobody else should. And as a PP said, there have been numerous studies to show that fathers have the same level of oxytocin as mothers, and that in the absence of a mother, males develop the same hormones found in post natal women. For every study thrown out in this thread to support the idea that only women can adequately raise a child, there is one to the contrary.

As to your comment about your daughter, I'm not sure why you feel so offended by what I've said, you are very heated in this discussion. I don't insist on everything being 50/50, I just disagree that they can't be and it should be instantly dismissed as unnatural. My daughter would be fine, as I'm sure would many others.

I also disagree wholeheartedly with the many people on this thread saying that a mother shouldn't be away from their child because THEY would miss them too much, as if the father wouldn't. That is where the hypocrisy lies in this thread, as men that make the choice to walk away as OP did are generally expected to accept seeing them less, and lambasted for moving away from the other parent. I don't think she should have stayed with him if she was unhappy, but seeing the child less is a natural consequence.

Have you read the thread fully? There's quite a few and all there to be read.

Yes I've seen the whole thread. There have been a few comments criticising OPs choices but by MN standards very few, a vast majority of the negative comments have been very clearly directed at other posters comments, not the OP.

okay, we will leave it at that because it's going round in circles - my overriding point was men and women have different roles and are biologically different and this isnt necessarily a bad thing, not everything has to be equal to achieve the greatest result - I'm glad for your child but if we bring it full circle to the OP I dont think the child in question should be away from his mother who is his primary caregiver for 3 days at a time. not because it's unfair on mother or father but because its unfair on the little boy

There have been a few comments criticising OPs choices but by MN standards very few, a vast majority of the negative comments have been very clearly directed at other posters comments, not the OP.

Just going to have to agree to disagree on that.

Why has Dad, who never did much actual practical care before decided he wants 50/50? OP was the main carer but suddenly when she ends the relationship he wants 50/50.

We can only surmise. For all we know, OP was territorially excluding him from being hands-on with their baby and he was unhappy with that, but reluctantly let her get on with it; but when she decided to leave, he realised that he stood to lose all regular contact with his son completely, so he dug his heels in and said "It's not all about you, you know - he's my son too and I'm able to parent him as well." Not saying that this is what DID happen, but we simply can't know. Sometimes, when people are pushed and feel threatened, it's a case of 'this far and no further'.

Most women who have recently given birth do not leave their home and long term relationship and agree to 50/50 care for a very young baby for flimsy, whimsical reasons.

Most don't, but some do. A minority of people (I'm talking theoretically here and NOT accusing the OP of anything at all) are plain nasty and selfish to the point that they believe the rest of the world (including their own children) exists purely for their own happiness and convenience and has no intrinsic worth or importance beyond what it can do for them. Some people are thoroughly appalling and capable of breathtakingly shocking behaviour, regardless of what sex chromosomes they happen to have.

I'm sorry but you're just tying yourself in knots to justify the response the OP got and I don't really understand why tbh. All your posts are pontificating about how it could be/might be/some people do/not saying OP is/perhaps... etc alongside your tub thumping about Dads Are Equal Parents Too You Know!

The only thing you're right about is we just don't know, though some who have been in similar situations might have a better idea of what's going on here. Therefore there is no excuse for the judgmental response, wheeling out posts from other threads to undermine, and extrapolation from the little information OP gave on this thread. Where was the support? It's not about what other people may or may not do it was about helping an OP in a difficult position. How does pondering what everyone else may or may not do help her?

Oh this is boring now. I'm off. The OP has been driven off her own thread. It's not like she's going to get anything out of what I post and that's the only reason I posted in the first place, to offer the OP support.

Thing is, we can all tell an anecdote about our experiences and then ascribe it to biology. I could counter "my daughter won't settle unless her mother is in the room" with "my mother has the same biology as any other woman and yet she was a neglectful alcoholic", but I don't, because I don't think that my one experience has widespread biological significance.

*Because of all of this I have found it really hard to love my son. I take care of him on a day to day and make sure he’s fed and clothed and I change his nappy. But it all feels so so routine and like I’m doing it just to keep him alive. I don’t look into his eyes and feel love and when he cries I only console him like a robot because I know you can’t leave a crying baby. I don’t cuddle him or instinctively rub his head or kiss him and when I do I’m only doing it because I feel like I am a horrible person if I don’t or that I am trying to prove I love my child. He’s 5 months old (corrected) and smiles and laughs and is happy all day, I just wish I felt the same way so I could project it onto him and show him happiness and love.

I live with my ex so I am dealing with the anxiety about having to move out and find my own place and live on my own without his support and now all of my depression issues are coming back*

The OP posted this at the beginning of the month.. .2 weeks ago.
Those who have disagreed with the OP are not suggesting a 5month old would be better off with the dad or that it is an ideal situation! Of course it isn’t. If we are basing this on animal instincts then we’d mate forever and never leave our caves.

The OP needs constructive help. This is not an ideal situation but it’s not as black and white as the baby is young so should stay with the mother .

The mother has taken him from , what to me sounds like a stable , steady father. She needs to seek help.

Sorry that didn’t link correctly and I if I knew how to link the thread I would.

please dont eye roll or play down the biology argument
Funny how the 'biological argument' never comes into play when it comes to being up at night.

In that instance, men are biologically as capable of looking after baby and baby has no issue being looked after dad without mum being around getting some sleep!

So much picking and choosing arguments to suit!

@dontdisturbmenow no relevance to the biological argument whatsoever - noone is designed to be awake all night lol so what's your point

and I've not once said dads arent equal btw, just that our biology and roles are different for a reason but I'm repeating myself now and wont be commenting anymore as this isnt relevant to the OP anymore who is obviously not coming back. I wish her and the babys dad well and hope they come to a suitable arrangement that benefits baby son - not which arrangement is more fair on either of them

So much sexism on this thread its unbelievable.

When stating obvious scientific facts regarding the issues of hormones etc its totally disregarded due to it not suiting what you have to say.

We aren't just animals though, thats rubbish.

The only way a mother would be more of a bendit or higher up in the parental ranking would be if DM breastfed as that bond is much stronger than a FF baby due to it not just being feeding and only mother can do so. Formula fed babies are usually fed by both parents. So, like a PP said, you'd all never leave your DP's alone with DC while you got some sleep? Because obviously DC cant cope without you in the room and needs you constantly? And you wonder why DC don't have a strong attachment with both parents? Ive worked with children for 5+ years, done plenty of research into attachment theories and they need equal parenting, no 'one' main caregiver unless like stated before mother is BF, which she clearly isnt as it would be rather impossible to do this arrangement.

If they are 90 mins from each other that child is always going to make that long journey no matter how many days.

It's bloody selfish to say 'im the mum, ill miss DC too much to let it stay over night, or see DF at any point' that's thinking of your own needs and selfishness rather than putting said child first.

Imo it sounds like most of you have had bad break ups and are spiteful towards usimg your children as objects.

She made this agreement like she's made others, then, deciding after that it doesn't suit her needs! No one is being horrible but honest and unbiased. This child deserves both parents and is very lucky DF is involved at all!

If this was the other way and DF didnt want to see DC youd all be up in arms slanderibg him, but, tbf you still all are!! Men cannot win, this thread is absolutely ridiculous

So much sexism on this thread its unbelievable.

When stating obvious scientific facts regarding the issues of hormones etc its totally disregarded due to it not suiting what you have to say.

We aren't just animals though, thats rubbish.

The only way a mother would be more of a bendit or higher up in the parental ranking would be if DM breastfed as that bond is much stronger than a FF baby due to it not just being feeding and only mother can do so. Formula fed babies are usually fed by both parents. So, like a PP said, you'd all never leave your DP's alone with DC while you got some sleep? Because obviously DC cant cope without you in the room and needs you constantly? And you wonder why DC don't have a strong attachment with both parents? Ive worked with children for 5+ years, done plenty of research into attachment theories and they need equal parenting, no 'one' main caregiver unless like stated before mother is BF, which she clearly isnt as it would be rather impossible to do this arrangement.

If they are 90 mins from each other that child is always going to make that long journey no matter how many days.

It's bloody selfish to say 'im the mum, ill miss DC too much to let it stay over night, or see DF at any point' that's thinking of your own needs and selfishness rather than putting said child first.

Imo it sounds like most of you have had bad break ups and are spiteful towards usimg your children as objects.

She made this agreement like she's made others, then, deciding after that it doesn't suit her needs! No one is being horrible but honest and unbiased. This child deserves both parents and is very lucky DF is involved at all!

If this was the other way and DF didnt want to see DC youd all be up in arms slanderibg him, but, tbf you still all are!! Me n cannot win, this thread is absolutely ridiculous
Lp

I'm sorry but you're just tying yourself in knots to justify the response the OP got and I don't really understand why tbh. All your posts are pontificating about how it could be/might be/some people do/not saying OP is/perhaps... etc alongside your tub thumping about Dads Are Equal Parents Too You Know!

Why am I tying myself in knots? Would you prefer me to say that OP is a terrible person and a dreadful mother? I neither think that this is true nor helpful, but I do believe she is being very selfish, going on what she writes.

I'm sorry you feel that challenging unjustified sexist attitudes is tub thumping. Were those pesky Suffragettes and female Dagenham workers just tub thumping too?

Those saying the baby needs a stable home, surely that is the home he had for the first 4 months of his life? Where I assume he has his own room.The one where his father is, not the temporary space at the mothers parents house.

So the baby should live with the Dad, and the OP can visit for the ‘day trips’ that were suggested up thread.

We aren't just animals though, thats rubbish.

It seems that we are when it suits the narrative, but we suddenly aren't when it doesn't.

Puppies and kittens are taken away from their mums at a few weeks old and will never see her again. Why don't we do that too, if we're just animals?

Bear mothers (and other species) will frequently deliberately kill and/or eat their own babies for a variety of reasons.

Then again, if a lion kills another and replaces him with the lioness, he will kill all of her/their cubs as a matter of routine, to make room for his own; so I suppose that DOES prove that all human stepdads must be evil and not to be trusted

@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll you completely misread my comment... I meant we arent animals. In regards to someone elses comment.

@Tjsmumma

I was agreeing with you!!

I was saying that when it suits people's agendas, they will proclaim us to be no different from the animals, but when you probe just a tiny bit deeper, their argument crumbles instantly.

@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll sorry 😬 this is why i hate the Internet sometimes, cant hear/feel emotions properly! I was a bit confused if im honest! Now i totally agree, absolute madness really!