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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

321 replies

Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 21:49

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 14/04/2020 13:03

Anyway, unhelpful of me to comment, I know.

Yes. So why do it? Just had to get that out did you? Bursting with it Hmm

dontdisturbmenow · 14/04/2020 13:21

Children form disordered attachments when life isn't calm and stable in their first 3 years of life. He doesn't know what the hell is happening. This will affect him and the way he forms relationships forever if you keep it up. He must be so frightened not knowing which house he's waking up in or where is other parent has gone
What a lot of rubbish to try to justify a mother's role in her child's life. My DD went to a childminder from the age of 4 months whilst I work FT. She saw as much if not more of her CM than myself, let alone her father.

20 years later, she is the most emotionally stable person you would meet. She's had one boyfriend who she's been for 3 years now and not one drama. She is very close to both me and her father. She's also remain in close contact with her CM.

Many kids went to CM full-time before mothers got entitled to longer maternity leave. Some have fared well others not so well, just like kids who were brought up by their SAHM, with a father in the family or not.

It amazed me how some mothers really think that there are the sole reference to their kids' future well-being. Talk about a desperate need for self-importance!

june2007 · 14/04/2020 13:22

The reason why not many babies in care under 6 onths is more to do with mat leave.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/04/2020 13:31

As for the 'baby grew in my body so that should give me every right'. It's most hypocrite statement to suit a mean to an end that justified why many don't take the whole feminine movement seriously.

What a lot of rubbish. A baby needs are in no way subject to where it was for 9 months. Men are as capable to look after an infant as any mother let alone miss them just the same.

Threads after threads moaning that fathers are not as willing to parent babies as the mother, yet here we have one where even the OP admits that he is very capable, yet, that's still not good enough.

The only good enough fathers for many on MN is those who just comply and only comply to the mother's wishes, ie. good enough to look after their kids when the mothers wants a break, but only then.

Celerysam · 14/04/2020 13:33

I think you need to move back in with your husband at least until you have another house nearby.

I really can't get past how you had a baby with someone that you then walked away from so soon with no reasonable plan in place.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2020 13:35

I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy personally - mum thinks her child can't possibly be safe and secure if she's not there, but since she believes this and behaves accordingly, taking on most of the parenting "work", it becomes far more likely to end up that way as all the child has ever known is her being their sole source of comfort and authority. Meanwhile dad's keep having it reinforced that it's mum's job, so they step back and become lazy and uninvolved.

My DD is not breastfed and I can honestly say her relationship with both of her parents is equally important, and if my DP started trying to back off as I was the "main" parent I would be angry at the sexism. He's perfectly capable of tending to her needs when I'm not there and she's just as happy with him.

Now if OPs partner already left all the work to her and genuinely isn't capable of looking after the child properly then that's different, but it's nonsense to say the mum should be the "main" parent unless it's a logistical issue with breastfeeding. A scenario where both are equally involved and capable is a positive thing.

turnthebiglightoff · 14/04/2020 13:35

Far, far too young to be away from
You.

Wearywithteens · 14/04/2020 13:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/04/2020 13:45

I’m not doing anything to spite my ex or be nasty I’m doing what’s best for our son who is only a baby and I don’t feel he should be dragged up and down the county...
You are such a hypocrite. You are doing it because that's what you want for yourself. If you really cared about your baby first, you would have stayed with the dad who you admit you still loved, longer.

If you genuinely believed that it was good for your baby to be away from you 4 days a week and travel for 90 minutes, you wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.

You said yourself in your first post that you miss your baby too much. It sounds that it is exactly the opposite. All your decisions are based on what you want, what suits you and what others should do to make you happy, regardless of what others might feel.

Agreeing to 5 days vs 2, will make no difference. Your baby will still travel the same distance and still see his routine being disrupted, if anything even more so. It's very much about you not wanting to be away from your baby more than 2 days.

Highfivemum · 14/04/2020 13:45

To me what needs address first is we are in lockdown!! Yes both parents want to see the child and I know they say they can but each time that little one is took outside he is at risk. Address the access times after lockdown is lifted and it is safe. Explain to him he is being protected by staying out at the moment.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 14/04/2020 13:53

Is there another bedroom in the house you share with your ex? Are you able to live in the same house, but not be together?

cherrybunx0 · 14/04/2020 13:57

@dontdisturbmenow maybe you could read the updates from OP she wanted to stay in spare room but the ex said no...also please dont spout nonsense about staying in a relationship that is unhappy, its shit advice. noone should stay in a relationship where they are unappreciated

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 14:26

@Wearywithteens so you would have let him take your 5 month old baby for 3 days ?!

Over my dead body would I ever! Hmmthe mind boggles

sauvignonblancplz · 14/04/2020 14:30

@floatygoat Do you not think the baby has a right to his father also?

By suggesting the father is ‘taking’ the child you suggest that it has to be one or the other ? You’re very much putting the mother’s need before the child’s.

When both parents are willing and able to care and love the child that surely is the best scenario. A mother does not trump the father . They are both parents .

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 14:32

It is one thing having a relationship and time with both parents...it is entirely another thing to stop the child seeing it's main caregiver altogether for a long period of time.

Pretty sure court arrangements always allow for the babies need for this stability when they are so young.

sauvignonblancplz · 14/04/2020 14:34

@floatygoat
Well as long as you’re pretty sure...

Unless the baby is exclusively breastfed that’s not the case at all.

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 14:37

"Separation study
A Study which may be helpful was done by US researchers at the University of Virginia, July 2013. The researchers set out to discover what happens when babies under 12 months old spend a night or more per week away from their mothers, as increasingly happens when separated parents share custody.
They found that such infants had more insecure attachments to their mothers compared with babies who had fewer overnight stays or saw their fathers only during the day."

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 14:39

It's completely fucked up for a baby so young to be separated from its mother (in OPs case she is the one who has always been there for her son since birth) 3 days at a time.

Tp93 · 14/04/2020 14:44

Your baby is way too young! If your ex feels up to it, tell him to drive to yours for the weekend so he can spend the night with your son at your house or you go to his for the weekend. A baby at that age needs mum more than ever.

sauvignonblancplz · 14/04/2020 14:44

That study is very interesting - where is it from? How many babies?
How does that work with a mum who is a nurse or a policewoman for a example who is away 12 hours a day 3/4 days a week. Leaves before baby is up and isn’t home until baby is asleep?

The only variable there is the difference in sleeping areas.
Another point is that the mother chose to have the baby to save her relationship. An oversight she said. With that in mind, why don’t they share the home, he lives there for three days herself 4?
There are many solutions.
Packing up and moving 90mins away probably not the best one.
However , it is what it is.
I believe it’s about control and the only person who sees this little baby as an object is mum. She’s not taking the steps needed to create a stable environment. In fact she’s actively creating drama.
No doubt soon there will be posts that the MIL doesn’t bath him properly or the first birthday has to be at her home and having a second party will confuse him.
This is all about control and drama.
It makes for very sad reading.

LunaLula83 · 14/04/2020 14:46

I don't believe this story is true Biscuit

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 14:56

@sauvignonblancplz I'd say it leaves the baby suffering.

Bigbird32 · 14/04/2020 14:59

@dontdisturbmenow that's a very flawed and fucked up argument - it's not easy to make the choice of staying in an unhappy relationship or sacrificing time with your child.

sauvignonblancplz · 14/04/2020 15:06

@floatygoat
Suffering because the mum goes out to work and leaves the baby in the capable hands of their father? Confused

Branleuse · 14/04/2020 15:13

I think the child is far too young for this sort of arrangement. Who moved away?

You should probably live closer to each other and then he can see the baby during the week, but this sort of 50/50 arrangement is tough enough on older children, but for such a young baby it is definitely all about the parents needs, not the child. Choose a primary carer for the child