AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

The OP is displaying typical behaviour of someone who is insecure, anxious and nervous. She’s asking many people for opinions of her life without clear context - hoping enough people will agree with her to validate her choices no matter how wrong they are and how little context she provides.

I’ve offered my help- not just for her child but for her own well being .
I’ll leave it at that. Good luck.

@sauvignonblancplz what on earth do you mean grow up? all I'm saying is you obviously have a negative view of the OP as anything I've said has been met with criticism of her - even when I had responded to another person you commented on it to further explain why the OP isnt a fit mother and needs help, particularly from the father? my advice is based on the fact that I dont think a 5 month old should be away from their primary care giver for 72 hours at a time which the mother has been all his life so far

This is a very unpleasant thread. Mumsnet at its worst.

I think children need to see both parents 50/50 but as your baby is so young it is a little bit too much right now.

Is there any way your ex can stay the weekend at yours or if he has family close by? Or you stay at his?
It means he can still see LO without LO being completely removed from you.

@Poppygirl96 Having read your updates, I do think you need to have another conversation about how this back and forth is just not a good idea in a pandemic, and you only have two real options: 1) baby stays with one of you full-time with plenty of FaceTime and that parent is likely to be you given the age or 2) you move into the spare room after all, as much as neither of you are keen on that option.

There was no need for your ex to consider 2) in any seriousness with the baby ferrying arrangements going on. If you take that off the table, he might revisit it. It's the best option of you both getting proper time with your child and the break up will be a bit less raw now.

Personally, I'd be trying to cajole him into the second option, perhaps with an extended period first of baby staying with you, so he can make arrangements to divide the space into "his" and "yours" as best as possible. He might for example have now filled the spare room with junk, so a bit of a time will allow him to both get the house in order and miss his child enough to remember why you're both planning to compromise.

I can see it being a very difficult conversation though.

@Poppygirl96 since act reading the thread, previous posts and othere opinions. I personally believe you had used this poor bloke. Why did you become a mother then? Yes, night feeds, buying clothes, feeding, changing etc are all part of being a parent and a mother! Did you ask him to help? Are you breastfeeding? Seems as though you are being very controlling regarding the whole situation. Why would he want you to stay? Imo youve planned all this to suit your desires.

@Wearywithteens so you would have let him take your 5 month old baby for 3 days ?!

Over my dead body would I ever! hmmthe mind boggles

Aside from the fact that, in this case, the OP was the one who made the decision to leave, you do realise that he is just as much HIS baby, don't you? He's the baby's other parent, but you make it sound like he's some kind of child abductor.

If you believe that the baby is basically only the mother's unless she arbitrarily decides to let his father see him now and again, do you also believe that he is the mother's financial responsibility unless the dad arbitrarily decides to chuck her a few quid now and again?

If not, do you believe that he has a legal and moral responsibility to financially support the child? If you do believe this, what do you think might be the reason why a financial link has been firmly established in law?

Do we really want a society where all of the rights and responsibilities of looking after children fall squarely on the mothers - and then the people who contributed 50% of what it took to make the children are simply free to come and go as they please, as and when they can be bothered to ask if they might play with the child for an hour or two if they happen not to have anything more interesting going on?

I'm sure I will be slammed for this, but I don't think that it's morally acceptable to walk out on your partner (for a man or a woman) with whom you have a child for no other reason than that you're no longer smitten with them.

Of course, where there is acrimony, that's a different matter; and of course, where there is any kind of abuse - but as is clearly shown in this case, the baby is suffering by being without one of his parents all the time and, as he gets older, he will have to live between two different homes for his whole childhood - assuming that one of his parents isn't cut off (or contact seriously curtailed), that is.

As a PP said, most adults wouldn't want to have to live between two homes. I'm not talking about your main residence where you're settled and then also having a lovely holiday home that you can go away to when you wish. In all likelihood, it will be two ordinary houses/flats - each significantly smaller and less ideal because there are two residences for the same money to have to pay for - and you don't get the choice of which one you're at and when because this is arranged around the convenience of two adults.

Of course, relationships break down irreperably - although I don't necessarily see why the child(ren) can't stay in their own permanent home and the adults do the travelling and have all of the upheaval instead; but to knowingly make the decision for your child to be put through all of this trauma simply because 'you're not feeling it any more' is something that I find very difficult to understand why a loving parent would ever do.

What would your ex say to you moving back into the spare room OP? Would you still want to do that?

Hell would freeze over before I let my 5 month old be away from me several nights a week.

There are some people on this thread who seem to forget that we are animals! Mothers don't just pop out babies after 9 months and our bodies and hormones return to the status quo. Men do not have the same biological instincts as women to care for their babies.

I'm not a fan of 50/50 custody full stop. How many adults would want to split their life in to 2 separate households? I sure as hell wouldn't, but we expect children to have to do it. My parents separated when I was very young and that would have been my worse nightmare.

@flooredbored exactly.

Stop those two nights a week right now OP.

If you went to court a judge would tell you to stop. A baby who is only just outside of the 4th trimester should not be spending two nights away from its mother.

How could you?

This is something to do later on, not now.

How could you both, as parents, pander to each other over the well-being of your baby?

Stop it right now!

If the Dad has to see the baby fine. Take baby out for a nice walk. But bring baby back to Mum at the end of the day. Simples.

Do not do this! Where is your mothering instinct? Find it and obey it. Please.

NEWSFLASH in 99% of cases having a baby will not fix a bad relationship, will not make him love you, will not make him propose, will not make any positive change to a relationship in trouble.

FFS a baby is a person not a fucking glue stick, toy or negotiating tool.

The claws are well and truly out aren't they? Lockdown boredom/stress maybe.

Whatever the Ops reasons for leaving, we don't have enough information about their lives to judge whether she was right for leaving. Surely she knows her own mind enough to know whether that's the right thing to do for her?
People have always got to have their 2 pence worth haven't they?

OP I personally wouldn't be leaving a baby so young for nights yet. But definately looking to build up to that. You need to discuss with your ex how this is going to work long term. Schools/nursery's etc.
Agree with other posters that a child needs routine and stability while also being surrounded by those who love them.
You need to agree between you to have the child's interests first. Voice your concerns about it not just being about playing with the baby. He needs to step up and do the other mundane stuff too if he wants more contact. But if he isn't caring for the baby then he won't learn any of it. It's a balancing act that you need to agree between you.
Try not to be getting one over on each other and agree to something you are both happy with. There will most probably be compromises on both sides. Good luck with it all.

think a lot of people who have been so nasty to OP are forgetting this is a 24 year old girl who has recently had her first baby and has also ended a relationship and moved out of the home she lived in with the babies dad. fair enough these were her choices, but most of us know how emotionally taxing it is to have a baby, especially to then feel such conflicting feelings about your relationship with the babies dad and making the big decision to leave - I think she has been very fair to the dad, to the point she has allowed her tiny baby to be nearly 50/50 split care (as ive said before the thought of my 4 month old being taken off me even for one night makes my stomach roll) as she is clearly struggling with guilt and if she is suffering with mental health it's not the nicest thing to use against someone is it.
I cant imagine OP will be back now and quite frankly I don't blame her

@flooredbored thats not necessarily true a study showed that both mum and dad had the same amount of oxytocin in theur brain after baby was born. To say fathers dont feel the same live abd acfection for their babies is absolutely ludicrous. She's already stated she is struggling to bond, only had baby to feel some kind of love for dad and the father is a good father who does a lot for said child. It was also found with a study of two gay men that one will naturally have the same instincts as a mother. Absolute bull crap. How about men whos mothers leave the baby and walk awau from both of them? That baby will never feel love? Never be cared for properly just because the dads raising it??

if the dad has to see the baby then fine god of kt was that he refused it would be a witch hunt!! That father has every right to see his child.

@ribenamonsoon actually theres plenty of info.

Can't you stay over at his house one or two nights in separate rooms? If you are the main care giver it's still too long to be away from a 5 month baby. All the posters saying "dads can be just as much as mum" of course they can be, I have no doubt in my mind my dh would be an excellent primary caregiver if I died when they were babies and yes they grow up just fine with him. Difference is, a very young child will attach to ONE primary caregiver more, (it doesn't mean the other parent is not valued and it's not personal, it's just natural for a baby) So as she did most things already at this stage then SHE is the primary care giver. If she wasn't in the picture at all, then Dad would become primary care giver to baby after some adjustment as long as he did most of the caring and not granny or whoever.
At this young age there is a 'primary' care giver when he grows it becomes more equal and then as the older child grows they can be closer to either mum or dad or both equally.

I live 3 hours + from my ex and the court thought it acceptable to do this trip for one weekend a month and extra during holidays. The court also deemed it acceptable for a 10mth old to do this journey...so court does often favour this arrangement. The impracticable things were waived really. All they wanted was for us to do it and that's that.

This thread is just shameful. It's quite clear that OP is desperately trying to do the right thing by agreeing to 50%, when she doesn't want that, and that her ex is using their shared child to exert some control over her because he didn't want the split. He never did much before - just played with the baby - big deal! Treated OP as a skivvy and showed no appreciation of her until she left. Now he's bullied her into 50% shared care for such a young baby and she's too apprehensive of his reaction to discuss changing it. Out of interest if he is such a good father why has he agreed to this situation? Why won't he let her live in the spare room in the family home as she has offered to do?

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Horrible people.

FGS! He won't let her stay in the spare room. Why don't people read the thread!

The threads change every time. She's stated previously that hes a good dad, very hands on, pays for everything, loves, them both dearly. I dont think id be overly happy sharing a house with my DP after he broke down tge relationship, told me her never loved me and, she moved out first before asking! You are not seeing the whole picture, every thread changes to suit her feelings and make her look like the best parent. If thats horrible tban so be it, but everything she is doing is simply being a parent, like he was trying to be.

There is no way I would want to sleep over my ex husbands house. I think OP has actually been very fair.

I think I am seeing the whole picture actually @Tjsmumma. I think I am seeing a lot more than you as it happens. Enough at any rate, to see that laying into a 24 year old woman who has been through massive changes in the last six months is rather a shit thing to do! Who came here for help because she feels uncomfortable about a situation she knows is wrong and wants to change and just got piled on by the likes of you!

I for one am not intending to lay into a 24yo woman - I just think that so many people on MN have such a low opinion of fathers' roles in children's lives. They are NOT important as parents, they MUST be put in their place and thrown a few crumbs IF the mum deigns to do so - But if THEY walk away and don't pay to financially support their child, that is also wrong (which, of course, it is).

There are already far too many feckless dads out there who just don't want to know; I just don't see how beating down the decent ones and telling them that they're an optional extra but not really important because they aren't a mother is actually going to help anybody - most of all children - in the long run.

All of the threads we see where "he gives me no support, he doesn't want to take responsibility for the children, he leaves it all to me etc." - maybe he's just been reading MN and has learned that biology has rendered mums as the only important parents and that they have an exclusive bond which means that they should be doing it all anyway, because only they actually can.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Nailed it. I've nothing useful to add to the OP, but the way this thread has gone since, you'd think that the 1950s never ended. Genuinely shocking.