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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL on lockdown - controlling the house via food and it’s making me feel ill

155 replies

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 19:27

Hi, sorry about all this and hope it isn’t too long. I posted about MIL a couple of years ago (I think). So in case anyone asks if I posted before.... Yes - she was the MIL who came here from a South American country and DH bought her a flat near to us which she really wanted, but then, on moving in, she refused to speak to us for 3 months because of a misplaced Christmas card (not joking). Also she was very nasty during this time. Then she decided to move on from this, but DH was worried about her. She took medication for suspected manic-depression and seemed much better. She moved in with us and we converted the whole basement for her (massive building project for months which I had to deal with as DH always at work). Then, after all this, she said she couldn’t live with us because our house has too many stairs and they’re too steep - so the upshot was, DH had to find her another apartment at great expense as she only wanted one with security. And we are left with a flat in the basement which we could have used as a more open-plan space. This is what I was most annoyed about. She’s very hard work, basically. When I posted last, it was the phase when she was always ringing him in the night because she is paranoid about burglars. Anyway, this situation improved, but now she’s been staying with us for lockdown. I also have 4 DC, 17, 15, 13 and 11 and quite a lot of cats.

The problem now is that she has taken over the house by controlling everyone by food. For breakfast, I’ll normally just do a big thing of porridge or maybe some eggs, but she wants everyone up and eating one of her extravaganzas by 8am. She doesn’t grasp that the teenagers might not necessarily want to be up and she acts all “woe is I” as if they’re ignoring her, when in fact, they just want to sleep or do their thing. As soon as this is over, she is cleaning the kitchen for ages and wants me involved, then she’s on about lunch, “What will do and do have?” “Why haven’t I got such and such in,” and all this, on and on and on for hours. Then as soon as lunch is over, all she talks about is dinner. It’s making me feel ill. I don’t have eating problems, but I feel uncomfortable talking about food all day. She never used to be this bad. Also, I’m trying to help give one of the DC some educational support this week and last and she keeps telling me I’m making a fuss. She also tells the DS who is 17 that hers studying too much, but basically it’s because she wants attention all the time. And DH is in his office a lot. Plus, she keeps letting out one if the cats who can’t go out and this is also completely stressing me out. She doesn’t listen.

The main thing is the food control though. AIBU because I am feeling ill and very claustrophobic? WWYD?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/04/2020 19:30

Send her home!

Helmetbymidnight · 13/04/2020 19:30

god! that sounds bloody awful!

i bet she wont agree but could you insist one day in kitchen, one day off....

Itsanothernamechange · 13/04/2020 19:31

lock her in your basement

Dddddddeborahh · 13/04/2020 19:31

Dh tells her that from now on you are cooking all meals and DM must find something else to do

I can see this will result in fall out but anything you do will cause fallout

VettiyaIruken · 13/04/2020 19:33

I'd tell her no and eat what I felt like.

bluebeck · 13/04/2020 19:33

Why is she living with you? Confused

Send her packing. If she is as sensitive as you say, just have a blow up at her and hopefully she will leave in a huff?

icelollycraving · 13/04/2020 19:33

That sounds hideous.
In absolute honesty I would tell her (and your dh) that if she doesn’t become more appreciative of being in your home, she will have to go.
The thing is, if he’s been so accommodating to her before then I guess it may fall on deaf ears. If you say it and don’t mean it, then it’s pointless,

MrsWooster · 13/04/2020 19:34

Be clear. “Mil, I know you’re trying to do your part but this is not how we work as a family. While you are with us, you need to fit in with us”. She’s not going to like it but she’s not going to change either, so it’s either her unhappy or you and the dc being unhappy.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2020 19:34

Tell her you're perfectly capable of running your household...that she is welcome to make herself breakfast, but she should please leave everyone else alone.

You're a saing to put up with all this nonsense.

PinkiOcelot · 13/04/2020 19:34

Pack her bags and send her back to her flat. Or better still, back to South America!

maryberryslayers · 13/04/2020 19:35

Why does she need to stay with you for the lockdown?

If she really must stay tell her you'll all be sorting your own breakfasts and lunches from now on but she's welcome to join you for dinner if she fancies what you're having, if not she's welcome to make herself something else.

Just be clear that you're happy to chat when you're having a break but if you're helping DC or getting on with something else, you need time to yourself or her staying won't work.

Being assertive isn't rude.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2020 19:35

*saint

bluebeck · 13/04/2020 19:35

lock her in your basement

Oh yes! That's a much better idea Grin

Houseyhousey · 13/04/2020 19:35

If the basement is unoccupied I'd be sending her there sharpish!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 13/04/2020 19:36

Your DH needs to speak to her. It's not her home to run and teenagers do not need to be up at 8am for breakfast (heck, I'm wfh 9-5 and I'm barely up by 8:45!)

Why is she staying with you anyway? Send her home and arrange to drop off shopping if she needs to be isolated. Agree set times for video chats and stick to them.

Macncheeseballs · 13/04/2020 19:36

Why do you humour her? Let the kids sleep. Dont turn up for breakfast

MairzyDoats · 13/04/2020 19:37

She probably thinks she's being helpful. Can you put her to work meal planning for the next couple of weeks? Then get groceries based on what she's planned, stick her list to the fridge, and stick to it - refuse to countenance discussion about the list because she's already chosen it! Also explain that huge breakfast extravaganzas need to stop mid-week, it's wasteful and unnecessary. Keep them for weekends only.

HibiscusPot · 13/04/2020 19:38

My mum has this tendency, though less extreme. My only tactic has been heading it off by planning first. Mine it’s more about what we do, I actually started writing a weekly list to follow. I included blocks like ‘i will ask the children in the morning what they wish to do’ so there was free time too.
Meal plan, and that doesn’t have to be meals . It can be stuff like ‘teenagers do own food’. Write it up nice and big on the wall.

LittleOwl153 · 13/04/2020 19:38

Send her home. If dh won't deal with her and hides in his office then nor should the rest of your household.
Can you and the kids move to her flat if need be?

Prancingponies · 13/04/2020 19:38

Move into the basement with your cats that can't go out.

Problem solved.

Grin
AlwaysCheddar · 13/04/2020 19:39

Put her in the flat! Or move into the flat!

Blueemeraldagain · 13/04/2020 19:41

Do you, DP or older DC want to cook? If so I would set up some kind of rota. If not I would let her get on with it but maybe set up a family schedule? Make it clear you are not available for long back and forths about lunch/dinner. It sounds like she is trying to alleviate anxiety by being busy busy busy and controlling. It’s also quite manic, is she still taking her medication or is the heightened anxiety exacerbating her symptoms? Would she accept any hobby suggestions to keep her occupied?

Cheeryandmerry · 13/04/2020 19:43

Oh good Lord. Sounds incredibly trying. My MIL has many lovely qualities but she can be similar about food. Twenty years ago we had the most awful Christmas away with the in laws, during which she sulked horribly when not allowed to take charge of Christmas dinner, and retaliated by cremating the beautiful piece of beef I’d bought for the ten of us for Boxing Day Grin. DH has never forgiven her!

Even when it’s not a special occasion preparing food takes hours. She’s been known to take an hour to prepare sandwiches for four people! But you absolutely can’t offer to help.

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 19:45

DH won’t tell her and this is a problem because it’s partly a cultural thing, but also more than that, I think, because he feels responsible for her and at the end if the day, she’s his mother and he can’t hurt her. It’s quite an odd relationship they have.

She’s staying with us because she is with us half the time anyway and there us no way she would have coped alone. Oh my god. She still sometimes calls DH down there in the night, but she’s not nearly as bad as she was.
It’s the food thing that’s too much though because there’s only so much you can eat when you can’t go out much and I just can’t cope with the endless flow of it. Also, I hate having meals planned too much - I prefer to just see how everyone feels. But DH says she’s harmless and just let her get in with it because it keeps her happy and occupied.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 13/04/2020 19:46

You have a DH problem.

Move into her flat - I bet you will have a lovely time Smile

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