MIL on lockdown - controlling the house via food and it’s making me feel ill

[losseisgatos]

Hi, sorry about all this and hope it isn’t too long. I posted about MIL a couple of years ago (I think). So in case anyone asks if I posted before.... Yes - she was the MIL who came here from a South American country and DH bought her a flat near to us which she really wanted, but then, on moving in, she refused to speak to us for 3 months because of a misplaced Christmas card (not joking). Also she was very nasty during this time. Then she decided to move on from this, but DH was worried about her. She took medication for suspected manic-depression and seemed much better. She moved in with us and we converted the whole basement for her (massive building project for months which I had to deal with as DH always at work). Then, after all this, she said she couldn’t live with us because our house has too many stairs and they’re too steep - so the upshot was, DH had to find her another apartment at great expense as she only wanted one with security. And we are left with a flat in the basement which we could have used as a more open-plan space. This is what I was most annoyed about. She’s very hard work, basically. When I posted last, it was the phase when she was always ringing him in the night because she is paranoid about burglars. Anyway, this situation improved, but now she’s been staying with us for lockdown. I also have 4 DC, 17, 15, 13 and 11 and quite a lot of cats.

The problem now is that she has taken over the house by controlling everyone by food. For breakfast, I’ll normally just do a big thing of porridge or maybe some eggs, but she wants everyone up and eating one of her extravaganzas by 8am. She doesn’t grasp that the teenagers might not necessarily want to be up and she acts all “woe is I” as if they’re ignoring her, when in fact, they just want to sleep or do their thing. As soon as this is over, she is cleaning the kitchen for ages and wants me involved, then she’s on about lunch, “What will do and do have?” “Why haven’t I got such and such in,” and all this, on and on and on for hours. Then as soon as lunch is over, all she talks about is dinner. It’s making me feel ill. I don’t have eating problems, but I feel uncomfortable talking about food all day. She never used to be this bad. Also, I’m trying to help give one of the DC some educational support this week and last and she keeps telling me I’m making a fuss. She also tells the DS who is 17 that hers studying too much, but basically it’s because she wants attention all the time. And DH is in his office a lot. Plus, she keeps letting out one if the cats who can’t go out and this is also completely stressing me out. She doesn’t listen.

The main thing is the food control though. AIBU because I am feeling ill and very claustrophobic? WWYD?

I suspect her medication needs tweaking with the extra anxiety and your DH should call the Gp with her

Your MIL thinks you are weak as does your DH. If you have gone to therapy then your husband is probably somewhat worried about your marriage so MIL wont be able to walk all over you. Next time she goes into the kitchen just tell her you are there so she will have to go elsewhere. When she crys to DH and he comes to you to pressure you, just tell him that you can see you have allowed her behaviour but it is ending today. I had the same rubbish with my MIL/DH and it only ended when I made it crystal clear that I had enough. DH is ultimately selfish and will want his life, which includes you and children, to remain as is. It is only when he think his happiness is in jeporady that he will sort his mother.

I'm so glad you've had psychotherapy and couples counselling as I remember your previous threads.

This is such a tricky situation for everyone involved. Definitely push back on the ridiculous breakfasts - teens need to sleep - including her in dinner prep is a kind gesture. Are you and the DCs able to retreat as much as possible? Can they lock themselves in rooms to do school work for example and study ? Can you hide somewhere- maybe not move in to the basement flat but spend some time there. Everyone needs to make sure to take their exercise slot outside - again more time away from MIL

Your DH can't really argue with a withdrawal tactic. MIL won't like it she'll get angry and emotional- most likely with your DH as that's who she will be able to get hold of. You'll be tempted to take back the stress to remove it from your DH but just don't. He created the problem by pandering to her so let him deal with it - he's been very busy with deals and work in every single thread you've ever posted - it doesn't get to be his out always - not at the expense of you and your DCs mental health.

It sounds to me like she's bored and stressed at the same time. This is intersecting with her cultural 'need' to provide/ check the family are OK. Are there other tasks you could get her to do to keep her occupied, even if it's 'make work' like counting & tallying the number of tins you have, sorting the laundry, etc, just to keep her mind busy? Many older people become obsessed with the minutae of the day to help pass the time, and help them feel like they're contributing something.

You have a DH problem. ffs this is old, tedious, boring, not clever. My head hurts.

How about changing tactic tomorrow given that you are not ready to start the war.

Put her in charge of taking care of DH. She can make sure he is fed and watered. Make it her special thing. Let her interrupt Mr Workaholic 18 times a minute. Encourage it even.

Living with somebody with manic depression is very very hard (have been there with that and with the food obsession too). They are like children with their anxieties and obsessions, and need a lot of guidance and reassurance.

I would try to plan ahead for the food just so that you have an answer (to shut her up), and also have another activity to suggest what she does with her time.
Eg Yes, don't worry about lunch, I'm making tuna sandwiches today which I will make at 12pm. For dinner I've planned xxx which I will start at 5pm. It's all prepared (with a big smile). Have you seen this art tutorial on Youtube? You can learnt to paint watercolours!
And give her some paints!!! Or some such.
She needs to know things are in hand and also needs distraction.

If she continues to harass you, I'd be very firm and tell her straight that you are busy now, "the kids learning is important. Please stop worrying about it/harrassing me."

If she does it again, you need to get your husband to be firm and stand up for you. He also needs to take a role in occupying his mother.

The food issue is cultural I think. I worked with a lot of Iranian women for about 4 years. They are lovely warm, friendly people, but they do nothing without making food the main focus. Even at a staff meeting, I have known someone rock up with a plug in table-top hob and cook a stew during the meeting! And you have to be very strong to say no to eating it.

I'd flee in the night and go somewhere, anywhere until she goes home ff,s.

Can't you push her towards your DH? Let her interrupt him with tea and snacks every 10 minutes, I guarantee he'll snap before you do, then you won't be the bad guy in all of this.

You seem terrified of anyone being upset or ‘going into a decline’. Fuck ’em. Tell Mildly Mad MIL and Wet, Stressed DH they are now one another’s project and leave them at it. No one can actually make you eat a meal you don’t want. Just say ‘Not for me, thanks’, and have a bowl of cereal mid-morning.

Could YOU move to the basement OP? A bit of self isolating?

If you have a guinea pig now might be a good time to buy a padlock for the hutch.

Op. You sound really lovely. But in the nicest possible way: grow a spine. Tell her no. No: my kids are not all having breakfast before 8. No, stop preparing/thinking about lunch/dinner, I am doing it. No, get out and stay out of the kitchen mil. No, of course I not am taking dh a fucking cup of tea on your say so. It is your house. Be the leader.

You and your husband are both openly facilitating this nonsense, have your own ‘spiral/decline’, stop the pandering and obeying and prioritise your kids. What a waste of life, analysing and obeying some woman while your husband opts out of being a father and husband. You’re not stuck with this nonsense unless you keep choosing it.

So she gets her way, and he gets his way, but you get told to stop making a fuss? She’s manipulating all of you, and sounds as though she’s anxious and disregulated. Make a plan/house rules and talk to the whole family.

Yep, I’d genuinely move into the flat and not do a FUCKING THING. Except for myself.

If the rest of the family is bothered by that, then they can step up to the plate in terms of managing her psychotic demands.

You are terrified of anyone else ever being upset. There is always a reason why today would be a terrible time for anyone else to be upset. You always decide that today you have to be upset so nobody else gets a mardy face on.

This is your problem OP.

Take control. You're the matriarch of your household. Until you start being the alpha, she keep occupying that spot.

You need to work on your stamina when it comes to letting other people be annoyed and upset without intervening to rescue. Otherwise you spend your life being a terrified child in the presence of other adults.

Love the sound of a plug in table hob and stew mid meal 😍.

Op. This isn't cultural! This is just bog standard boring intimidated manipulated man who finds his wife easier to subdue to throw off than just mother.

He will leave it all on your shoulders, minimise the effect it has on you. Then, squirrel himself away to the basement.

They both sound ghastly and need to move in together and you need to run for the hills.

You are being used.

Get away.

You need to become the person that others don't want to upset. You are spending all your time absorbing this bad behaviour at your cost and everyone enjoys acting out as they wish with no fear that you will object. You have every right to be throwing a fit right now. Tell your husband and your MIL that this is not working for you and do it now. Tell them what suits you and complain if things don't go that way. There is no good time for this, so crack on with it.

This is your home and what your MIL is doing is manipulative and controlling and your husband is enabling it all at your expense. Stand up for yourself.

Rvby.

That last commented should be the sticky on so many threads.

So very true. It's something I have worked on but I couldn't frame it that simply and eloquently.

OK maybe that’s a bit harsh. The subtler alternative is to pretend to get COVID19 so you can legitimately self-isolate in the basement. Although that might make her loads worse. Jeez I don’t know. I’d definitely have moving into a hotel as a back up plan.

I feel hugely sorry for you whatever.

Use 'no' and mean 'no', have the word in your head, say it whenever you need to and walk away and make whatever food you like. She doesn't like it she can take it up with your DH.

@losseisgatos
I see so much of myself in you, I had to log in to comment! My mil is also from a Middle Eastern culture and I was also nearly driven to the brink of my sanity by her behaviour. DH also tolerated atrocious behaviour from her in the name of ‘culture’ and I had to go to therapy to deal with her.

In my MiLs case, in her culture she got her validation of being the ‘senior female’ in the household by controlling the ‘household jobs’, as that was the way to assign a woman ‘worth’ in her culture. When she criticised my housekeeping or not taking enough care of Dh, or invented home cures I should be concocting for the DC, she was actually saying ‘see, I am still of value as the senior female in this family, as you, junior, have overlooked these things which I will now teach you through criticism’. I would bet money it was a similar dynamic when she called your DH in the middle of the night. She wasn’t saying ‘I’m scared alone’, rather ‘as the senior woman in your life you must prove you will come and protect me at any time.’

When the root of the problem is a power struggle rather than a difference of opinion, meal plans and Rotas and your DH ‘having a word’ will not work. You will have to assert yourself and the sooner you do it the more pleasant it will be for everyone involved. This can be done pleasantly and kindly without confrontation. Ask your therapist to take you through the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness, or ask if you’d like more detail. Unless you believe and demonstrate that you are in control of your own home, she will continue to challenge you and you and your DC will suffer.

In my case, once MIL accepted I was the senior female in my own family our relationship improved immeasurably. I now enjoy spending time with her and I know she enjoys my company and prefers it to her other DILs (from her own culture) who remain locked in a cycle of martyrdom and then passive aggressiveness with her.