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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL on lockdown - controlling the house via food and it’s making me feel ill

155 replies

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 19:27

Hi, sorry about all this and hope it isn’t too long. I posted about MIL a couple of years ago (I think). So in case anyone asks if I posted before.... Yes - she was the MIL who came here from a South American country and DH bought her a flat near to us which she really wanted, but then, on moving in, she refused to speak to us for 3 months because of a misplaced Christmas card (not joking). Also she was very nasty during this time. Then she decided to move on from this, but DH was worried about her. She took medication for suspected manic-depression and seemed much better. She moved in with us and we converted the whole basement for her (massive building project for months which I had to deal with as DH always at work). Then, after all this, she said she couldn’t live with us because our house has too many stairs and they’re too steep - so the upshot was, DH had to find her another apartment at great expense as she only wanted one with security. And we are left with a flat in the basement which we could have used as a more open-plan space. This is what I was most annoyed about. She’s very hard work, basically. When I posted last, it was the phase when she was always ringing him in the night because she is paranoid about burglars. Anyway, this situation improved, but now she’s been staying with us for lockdown. I also have 4 DC, 17, 15, 13 and 11 and quite a lot of cats.

The problem now is that she has taken over the house by controlling everyone by food. For breakfast, I’ll normally just do a big thing of porridge or maybe some eggs, but she wants everyone up and eating one of her extravaganzas by 8am. She doesn’t grasp that the teenagers might not necessarily want to be up and she acts all “woe is I” as if they’re ignoring her, when in fact, they just want to sleep or do their thing. As soon as this is over, she is cleaning the kitchen for ages and wants me involved, then she’s on about lunch, “What will do and do have?” “Why haven’t I got such and such in,” and all this, on and on and on for hours. Then as soon as lunch is over, all she talks about is dinner. It’s making me feel ill. I don’t have eating problems, but I feel uncomfortable talking about food all day. She never used to be this bad. Also, I’m trying to help give one of the DC some educational support this week and last and she keeps telling me I’m making a fuss. She also tells the DS who is 17 that hers studying too much, but basically it’s because she wants attention all the time. And DH is in his office a lot. Plus, she keeps letting out one if the cats who can’t go out and this is also completely stressing me out. She doesn’t listen.

The main thing is the food control though. AIBU because I am feeling ill and very claustrophobic? WWYD?

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 13/04/2020 20:33

Remind him he made vows to you. I hope you aren't having sex with the umbilical cord under the door op....
No lesser attractive quality than a mummy's boy.
Imo.

forrestgreen · 13/04/2020 20:35

I'd have a secret meeting with the kids saying they don't have to get up if they don't want and you're swapping to an independent breakfast. Ie everyone get your own.
I'd be sat with the kids doing their work, even if you're not helping. If she comes to bother you I'd direct her to dh for a chat.
Put a list of ideas up for meals and put a planner up on the fridge

Astoatora54 · 13/04/2020 20:38

This isn't going to be easy to hear but you are talking about a woman who has messed you around and cost you dearly as far as flats are concerned. She isn't going to listen to reason. Either you send her packing (seems unlikely) or you just ruse above it and remember "this too will pass" while staying out of her way as much as possible. Is she a good cook? Why not delegate it all to her and put your feet up?

TheDailyCarbuncle · 13/04/2020 20:38

There's no point in complaining because you know how to fix the situation and you won't. So this is your life for now until you get the strength and self respect to tell your husband that he can't treat you like his mother's maid any more.

MrAlyhakinsMassiveYacht · 13/04/2020 20:39

You still have a DH problem.

slipperywhensparticus · 13/04/2020 20:40

Ok so go to your electric cupboard find the fuse labelled cooker and pull it

Or flip the one for the kitchen sockets or lights make dh deal with it seriously I get he is under pressure but making this your and your childrens problem isnt right

Give the children door stops for there bedroom doors and headphones tell them to sleep

Can the cat have his collar on first thing or can you hide the back door key?

Re the milk and cookies all the children suddenly becomes vegan at ten thirty daily

Honestly the cat would be a deal breaker for me

diddl · 13/04/2020 20:41

Such a cliche-wants to look after his mum, but in reality leaves it all to someone else.

People say look at how a man treats his mother.

But how often must it come at the expense of the wife?

I mean seriously, he's busy working/on the phone & she thinks that you should be in & out with drinks?

Tell her to do it her fucking self!

Of course you can tell him to talk to his mum &tell her to back the fuck off & leave you to run your household as you see fit.

Who's going to be dealing with any fall out?

Or if he won't -why can't you?

Does she even need to be in your house at all?

Butteredtoast55 · 13/04/2020 20:44

This must be so hard for you but I think she's just trying to control the food situation as she feels out of control and thinks she's helping you. She also sounds desperate for company. It's very wearing but she's probably lonely and scared so please don't send her away.
I think some people have offered really good ideas about kindly but firmly saying that you're all eating too much and worrying about not getting enough exercise to warrant it. From now on she's welcome to help with the main meal but you'll all have breakfast when it fits in with each person's schedule. My own Mum used to be a little but like this (although much more lovable, reasonable and fun to be with!) & I would give anything to have her here with us still, demanding attention and cooking up a storm.

Cryalot2 · 13/04/2020 20:46

Flowers sorry this sounds awful .
But your dh has to face facts his mother is upsetting you and stressing you and the others out. It is ok for him as he escapes her.
Either he backs you up and tells his mum the strict boundaries which will be non negotiable for now. If not you have two choices, to put up with it or tell your dh he backs you up or you leave . I wish you well

JemSynergy · 13/04/2020 20:46

She sounds attention seeking and I would just be firm with her. A firm NO! is what she needs to hear every now and then. I think you also need to stand up to your husband. At the moment she seems to be controlling your household I really wouldn't stand for it.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 13/04/2020 20:46

You need to be firm but polite. So oh no I just fancy a sandwich, or oh no the kids definitely won’t be up before 10am...etc etc. She’ll probably leave of her own accord eventually. There is no way of stopping her abusing you without your husband feeling bad because he doesn’t have good boundaries. That doesn’t make it your fault.

RJnomore1 · 13/04/2020 20:48

Husband comes out his office and works at the kitchen table, you go in with all of the Easter chocolate and Netflix.

His mother his issue he deals with it.

MrsP2015 · 13/04/2020 20:49

I'd have a family chat meeting where you openly talk about random things like how everyone is coping being locked down/ sharing of bathrooms etc then MEALS. I'd use this time to say, you don't always want the meal she cooks thank you and this would allow older dc to say their thoughts (they may like her food/ early starts?!) obviously if they said something she didn't like they have your backing.
It may be that in that situation she wouldn't get 'wo is me' but if she did then fine- let the kids see!
This is your home to run, not hers. If you have the confidence I'd stand up to her directly. Yes dh should be backing you but going there about what he should do is pointless.

This woman has taken / is still taking the piss massively and it seems everyone is treading on eggshells around her.
While you all obey her rules she is getting stronger and more set in her position.

Sabine123 · 13/04/2020 20:50

What about some sort of rota on choosing / cooking the meals. Can you find her something else to focus on other than mealtimes? New hobby or boxset !! My MIL is the same - when they stay with us all they talk about is the next meal - it is exhausting !! I feel your pain ! Good luck !

Ipadipod · 13/04/2020 20:50

I don’t think she’s trying to help out at all , she sounds like a manipulative control freak and is fully aware of what she’s doing . Get the kids together and agree on a plan of action, too bad if mil goes into a sulk , just ignore her , carry on as if she isn’t there.

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 20:51

The kids do know what she’s like and I have had to have discussions with them many times to not take her too seriously because she’s psychologically not well. This is what I told them because there was a point where she was hugging one of them and saying, “He / she is my favourite.” DH did tell her to stop saying that. She also has a lot of jewellery that the girls wouldn’t be seen dead in, but she kept getting it out regardless and going on about which pieces she was going to leave for who and it felt very manipulative, so DH managed to get it off her eventually and put it into a safe. But that was a huge drama as well. She’s been a nightmare for years, but the saving grace was when she met her “gentleman friend” (as she calls him), but she can’t see him at the moment. When he’s back on the scene, she does improve, even though all they do is just go for dinner or the theatre a couple of times a week. Sorry if I’m ranting, but it’s cabin fever. I hate the fact the day is dictated by mealtimes - drives me mad! Aaaaagghrrhh!

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 13/04/2020 20:52

She’s not helping, she’s driving everyone crazy. Tell him to sort it or he can go and live with her in her flat.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2020 20:53

DH won’t tell her and this is a problem because it’s partly a cultural thing ... also because he feels responsible for her and at the end if the day, she’s his mother and he can’t hurt her

Oh god, another one Hmm

Nobody's suggesting that he "hurts her", just that you kindly establish a few house rules which suit everyone rather than only MIL
I realise she'll probably try to pretend that even that's "hurtful", but none of us can have exactly what we want exactly when we want it - including her

slipperywhensparticus · 13/04/2020 20:58

Hurt her feelings or get a divorce dont think for one minute the kids will choose to live with them and the "odd relationship"

You dont need to teach your children to be nice to her you need Her to be nice to the children

DuncinToffee · 13/04/2020 21:01

Ah the all important husband who can't find time for his wife and children but can for his mother.

You still have a DH problem.

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 21:02

I know it’s partly my fault, but DH is in the edge as he’s lost a lot of money, so I’m just trying to get through really. He tends to offload a lot of his stress on me as well, which obviously isn’t ideal. The situation with him is that I have to wait until he’s in the right mood to have this kind of conversation with him, otherwise he gets defensive and goes into a downward spiral, So in this kind of atmosphere, I don’t want a row when all the kids are home and MIL there and none of us can get away. At this point, DH is under a lot of pressure and I can see that. He’s very kind in many ways but it is what it is. His background with his family is all a bit peculiar, but I’m not their family therapist and I can’t fix her or him.

OP posts:
drunkyhumptydumpty · 13/04/2020 21:02

Divorce him.

No man is worth that bullshit.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2020 21:04

'Its a cultural thing' is so often said in these cases. As if we all passively put up with this type of thing 'just because'. I'm not British nor is DP & we're also from 2 different countries. His Mum is horrendous, he doesn't allow her to display bad behaviour anywhere around us. Even a hint of it & out she goes, back to her home. I'm NC with my mother, for various reasons. Yes respect your elders is key in our culture, but it's a choice to defer to them when they're so obnoxious, and to the level that it disrupts your life

We don't just sit there letting family take the piss 'because it's cultural'.

I would say you need assertiveness tips and your husband needs to untie mummy's apron strings from around his neck and give her a stern talking to. But unfortunately from what you've said, it's doubtful he will. Men like this are not marriage material they need to stay with mummy dearest.

LilacTree1 · 13/04/2020 21:04

OP you’re right you can’t fix either of them

But you don’t have to lockdown with them.

Refuse to get involved with her meal plans. I would go mad if someone went on about food all day.

LilacTree1 · 13/04/2020 21:05

Oh, and bullshit to the cultural thing, I’d be putting up with a lot but I said no, fuck off.