MIL on lockdown - controlling the house via food and it’s making me feel ill

[losseisgatos]

Hi, sorry about all this and hope it isn’t too long. I posted about MIL a couple of years ago (I think). So in case anyone asks if I posted before.... Yes - she was the MIL who came here from a South American country and DH bought her a flat near to us which she really wanted, but then, on moving in, she refused to speak to us for 3 months because of a misplaced Christmas card (not joking). Also she was very nasty during this time. Then she decided to move on from this, but DH was worried about her. She took medication for suspected manic-depression and seemed much better. She moved in with us and we converted the whole basement for her (massive building project for months which I had to deal with as DH always at work). Then, after all this, she said she couldn’t live with us because our house has too many stairs and they’re too steep - so the upshot was, DH had to find her another apartment at great expense as she only wanted one with security. And we are left with a flat in the basement which we could have used as a more open-plan space. This is what I was most annoyed about. She’s very hard work, basically. When I posted last, it was the phase when she was always ringing him in the night because she is paranoid about burglars. Anyway, this situation improved, but now she’s been staying with us for lockdown. I also have 4 DC, 17, 15, 13 and 11 and quite a lot of cats.

The problem now is that she has taken over the house by controlling everyone by food. For breakfast, I’ll normally just do a big thing of porridge or maybe some eggs, but she wants everyone up and eating one of her extravaganzas by 8am. She doesn’t grasp that the teenagers might not necessarily want to be up and she acts all “woe is I” as if they’re ignoring her, when in fact, they just want to sleep or do their thing. As soon as this is over, she is cleaning the kitchen for ages and wants me involved, then she’s on about lunch, “What will do and do have?” “Why haven’t I got such and such in,” and all this, on and on and on for hours. Then as soon as lunch is over, all she talks about is dinner. It’s making me feel ill. I don’t have eating problems, but I feel uncomfortable talking about food all day. She never used to be this bad. Also, I’m trying to help give one of the DC some educational support this week and last and she keeps telling me I’m making a fuss. She also tells the DS who is 17 that hers studying too much, but basically it’s because she wants attention all the time. And DH is in his office a lot. Plus, she keeps letting out one if the cats who can’t go out and this is also completely stressing me out. She doesn’t listen.

The main thing is the food control though. AIBU because I am feeling ill and very claustrophobic? WWYD?

@rvby spot on! Completely agree

Numpty that's a good break through.
It's not cultural though it's classic across all mils from wherever.

The problem with self assertion is when Mil is also backed by fil. Or when dil has many other issues in her life.

I can see that there are some women who control the house and everyone’s whereabouts by food

This absolutely. My very opinionated MIL is not from a different culture and does this continuously. It is her way of 'gathering family' and I wonder if her adult children have accepted this without question. As the DIL, it is very apparent to me what and why she does this - to keep her role as the matriarch of the family. She is obsessed with food, regularly cooking throughout the night and reminding people of this whilst they are eating so everyone feels grateful for the work she has put into preparing the food. It is completely unnecessary and is done only to satisfy her own need to cook and control. During meals, she hardly eats herself and instead spends her time piling plates and asking why people aren't eating other dishes as well as listing how long each dish took to make and the ingredients in everything. It makes for long boring meals.

Say you don't feel well and you think you have the virus. It would be best for her to go home.

Just incase.

You have far more patience than me OP. The cat thing alone would have pushed me over the edge, never mind the other stuff!

Btw, YABVU not to have provided photos of said cats

She's bored, it's something to fill the day. I'd prob try & get her obsessed with something else, but thats just me. My Nan it was sewing, knitting, cards & sweet sherry. (Strangely tho v v deaf she always heard if you whispered "would you like a sherry"... ). . Send her back to her flat & if she's vulnerable, help with meds & food.

Mmmmm, I remember your other threads as well. Glad you've had therapy, not sure what you really want from this thread since, as PP's have pointed out, your pattern is "this is awful, suggestions"" followed by "great suggestions, but can't follow any of them now"

My favorite part of your OP is "quite a lot of cats" so you said 6? Why so many?

My MIL did this when she stayed with us for three months. I let it go on until I suddenly snapped and said "GET OUT of my KITCHEN!!" and told her she wasn't allowed to cook any meals for the family any more.

I let her make whatever she wanted for herself but she lost all meal privileges for the family.

That was 14 years ago and we're fine now. Best of friends.

just once say NO, and when she questions it say NO again and if she starts to blubber and snivel tell her without emotion that her emotional manipulation no longer works on you and that you wont be tolerating it any more
when she rants to husband that you are mean and she is going to get ill because of you, tell him you are not his meat shield and you will no longer be putting u with her shit to protect him, he can grow a spine and deal with her himself as you are done with the placating!
let her and him know you are in charge now! and things will be done your way or no way!
and stand firm on that, if he tries to suggest you just go along with her ideas until lock down is over tell him no, that he and her can move to her flat where she can be in charge of everything

What do you get out of this marriage?

Have you been happy in any of this?

Why do you matter so little?

What would you say if one of your children was being treated like this?

I know it’s not easy but you need to be kinder to yourself. You just can’t live your life like this for ever.

*Become the matriarch
*
Best advice on this thread.

Can't believe what I'm reading here. All these replies about sending her home or locking her in the basement. I thought it was clear from the post that she has some drastic mental health issues. A history of severe depression + intense paranoia about being burgled + calling DH down during the night + being that hurt over a Christmas card and then all of these bizarre obsessions about food definitely steers me towards suggesting that you seek help for her mental health.

Maybe try and sway her interests to something else she can do quietly and peacefully? Baking? Reading? Get her a tablet and introduce her to Netflix? Failing that even if it’s a cultural thing, bite the bullet and tell her how you feel. Lockdown is going to go on for months, this pandemic for a good year or two.. don’t let her break your MH along side here.

Thankyou for all the comments and the criticism. I don’t mind at all and it’s good to get a reality check because otherwise you can doubt yourself and let things drift on. I do take everything on board.

I did talk to DH in bed last night and I said I know he’s stressed, but we need to get perspective because there’s so many people in far worse circumstances than us. He tends to lose sight of this. I said there are six other people in the house as well. I do feel as if he wants to offload about business and money into me all the time, but the fact is, there’s nothing I can actually do about it in reality because these are all business decisions he has made over many years and also I can’t predict the future and don’t have the answers. Also, I feel he over-reacts to everything to be honest. It’s very draining. That said, I think the least I can do is listen because the fact is this is our money and future and I can’t just let him feel he’s alone with it. That wouldn’t be fair at all.

Anyway, he was in an ok mood last night, so I just said that I want to focus on the kids for various reasons, but I feel his mother is drawing all the attention onto her and all this food is making me feel ill and as if I’m going to gain weight and I just don’t like how it takes over the whole day. He said, “Oh it’s just her way of trying to help you,” but I told him that may well be, but it’s not help I want and it’s very claustrophobic. So anyway, the upshot is, he has told her this morning to not make lunch from now on because we all need to eat less and also one of the DC needs to work in the kitchen today. He said he’s gaining weight because he can’t cycle as much and this kind of thing. He has said to her he’s on calls for a while, but then he’s going to put some plants in, assuming the delivery comes, so could she keep him company in the garden later and they can have coffee. He’s also given her 2 cardboard boxes full of photos and said it would be brilliant if she could organise them and make some albums because we never get round to it.

Anyway, she seems ok so far and has gone downstairs....

Thanks again. I realise I probably sounded completely stupid yesterday, but sometimes I get worn down. I realise people have much bigger problems than this, of course.

To the people asking why we have so many cats, it’s because we went to get two of the little ragdoll kittens, but couldn’t leave one behind on its own, so took all three. One of these cats is very demanding and more like a dog in personality. They tend to follow you everywhere like a procession. Then I fostered a mum cat who was having kittens and ended up keeping her because she was so gorgeous and also two of the kittens - the little one wasn’t too well but now he’s fine. These cats are Persians, I think, and they’re very dopey and just lounge about, so no trouble really. At first it was like “upstairs downstairs” because the Persians were in the basement, but now they all mingle pretty much and play outside. So that’s the cats and yes, people do think I’m a mad cat woman, but there you go.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and from the understanding from those who have similar food / control issues with MILs. Also, yes the therapy did help me loads and it’s been life-changing actually, so I need to not skip back into old patterns. Thanks!

I thought it was clear from the post that she has some drastic mental health issues

Even with the tendency to pathologise everything on MN I'm not sure it's clear at all, especially as OP said her claimed illness is suspected rather than diagnosed. The rest seems to be "declines" which appear and disappear according to whether she's getting her own way or not, which is a well worn tactic with manipulators

In any case most of us, far from suggesting she should be "locked in the basement", have merely advised OP to kindly but firmly introduce a few more boundaries - something she seems reluctant to do but which is course her own decision to make

It's a basement flat not a way of killing her

Anyway, I'm glad your husband came through for you sorting photos is bloody genius 😅

Oh that's funny I was just about to come back and tell you to suggest to your DH that you're all putting on weight but he has got there himself.

The photo album and flower planting suggestions are brilliant and shows that your DH is taking your concerns seriously.

Is the basement flat self contained e.g. own kitchen? You need to make a rota for who cooks dinner on which night and she can join you for that but for breakfast and lunch you need to tell her that everyone's schedules are so different that it's best if everyone just prepares their own food when they are ready for it and she can have what she fancies in her own kitchen at a time of her choosing.

What exams are your kids doing?
I thought they were all cancelled

The basement flat only has a very mini kitchen it fridge and sink and small combo microwave oven, which, to be honest, I want to get rid of as it’s no use.

She is outside with DH - the relief!!

Thanks again everyone. Rookie, I think I recall from the last thread you were very kind then

Horehound - the eldest DS has exams next week which will be online, He’s in lower sixth and these will be important for his predicted grades for uni. The one I need to help is dyslexic and has GCSEs next summer, but I wanted to make use of this time really, to try and consolidate. The two others will probably have end of year exams in some online format, but not just yet.

She sounds like she has an eating disorder as well as being power hungry.
I would be wary of that influence around impressionable teenagers.
Give her her marching orders and put your children first.

Ok, warning but this is some 'tough love' talk ahead.

She is a guest in your house. YOU are the matriarch. It is YOUR house. It is your kitchen. She had absolutely no right to be making breakfast for everyone and demanding them to be down at so and so time. That needed/needs to be nipped in the bud. Like, the very first morning it happened. You are letting her get away with this. If it were me, even if I had to have a shouting match with her that it is MY house, I make the rules, and she is not to touch anything or make any meals without my say so. I'd even throw in a few 'who the fucking hell do you think you are?!?' and no, I would not be shy about it or sorry. You are the one enabling her behaviour. You, are letting her do this, hence you are letting her disturb your children's exams. Your husband is completely useless, but that's because you enable him to and don't spell out everything and that your marriage may lead to divorce if he doesn't do/change this and do it right effing NOW. Your whole tone is that of a doormat. But it's not just you that you are affecting, you are upsetting your children and their lives and disrupting their exams. All because you won't put that so and so MIL in her place.

Unfortunately, taking out your DH, you are the one that is causing problems by not throwing down the gauntlet and standing up for yourself and your children. In your own home. And tell her what's effing what and if she don't like it, get her bags packed right beeping now. Your DH is of no use to you at all as far as this goes, so you have to 'woman up' and even if it ends in a screaming match, you need to tell her to quit her behaviour or she can get the ef out. I'd even use the actual word. You've got 2 ovaries (balls), use them, woman up, and put that MIL in her place right now. Because your enabling behaviour is disturbing your children's routine and lives, and I would never forgive you if you were my mother. So woman the beep up. She should return to her own house, there is no reason she can't if you get deliveries for her. She should not even be there at your house there is no reason to. But I know you won't woman up enough to tell her to go back home (If it were me she would have gone back home the day she arrived, and I wouldn't give a flying rats whether that would make me the bad guy, she would be GONE. G.O.N.E - DH would get over it, he would have no choice that's it and that's that) so all I can do is tell you to woman up and tell her who's boss.

👏🏻👏🏻 @TealWater

@PanamaPattie what are this pink blobs and ?windows?

I see applauding hands!