MIL on lockdown - controlling the house via food and it’s making me feel ill

[losseisgatos]

Hi, sorry about all this and hope it isn’t too long. I posted about MIL a couple of years ago (I think). So in case anyone asks if I posted before.... Yes - she was the MIL who came here from a South American country and DH bought her a flat near to us which she really wanted, but then, on moving in, she refused to speak to us for 3 months because of a misplaced Christmas card (not joking). Also she was very nasty during this time. Then she decided to move on from this, but DH was worried about her. She took medication for suspected manic-depression and seemed much better. She moved in with us and we converted the whole basement for her (massive building project for months which I had to deal with as DH always at work). Then, after all this, she said she couldn’t live with us because our house has too many stairs and they’re too steep - so the upshot was, DH had to find her another apartment at great expense as she only wanted one with security. And we are left with a flat in the basement which we could have used as a more open-plan space. This is what I was most annoyed about. She’s very hard work, basically. When I posted last, it was the phase when she was always ringing him in the night because she is paranoid about burglars. Anyway, this situation improved, but now she’s been staying with us for lockdown. I also have 4 DC, 17, 15, 13 and 11 and quite a lot of cats.

The problem now is that she has taken over the house by controlling everyone by food. For breakfast, I’ll normally just do a big thing of porridge or maybe some eggs, but she wants everyone up and eating one of her extravaganzas by 8am. She doesn’t grasp that the teenagers might not necessarily want to be up and she acts all “woe is I” as if they’re ignoring her, when in fact, they just want to sleep or do their thing. As soon as this is over, she is cleaning the kitchen for ages and wants me involved, then she’s on about lunch, “What will do and do have?” “Why haven’t I got such and such in,” and all this, on and on and on for hours. Then as soon as lunch is over, all she talks about is dinner. It’s making me feel ill. I don’t have eating problems, but I feel uncomfortable talking about food all day. She never used to be this bad. Also, I’m trying to help give one of the DC some educational support this week and last and she keeps telling me I’m making a fuss. She also tells the DS who is 17 that hers studying too much, but basically it’s because she wants attention all the time. And DH is in his office a lot. Plus, she keeps letting out one if the cats who can’t go out and this is also completely stressing me out. She doesn’t listen.

The main thing is the food control though. AIBU because I am feeling ill and very claustrophobic? WWYD?

This is probably a long shot but could you sit with her and make a weekly meal plan, along with times for starting prep/putting in oven/serving and washing dishes/cleaning? That way she knows what meals are going to be consumed and when, and it might make her a little bit more relaxed. For whatever reason, she is choosing to obssess about food. She has moved in with you and maybe living with other people, even if they are family, is causing her anxiety, and obssessing over food is her way of maintaining some control over her life.

I’d just ask the teenagers to say to her each evening - thanks but they’ll sort their own breakfasts the next morning as they’re not getting up until later and will make themselves a brunch. You can say the same for yourself and the youngest.

Be clear, breakfast is too early, kids not getting up until later. Say you’re all eating far too much and going forward lunch will be a grab from a fridge selection or fruit. When she goes on about lunch or food, excuse yourself and go up to your room by yourself.

I want to know how many cats you have. And tell your h he needs to sort out his mother or you tell her..

Send her back to her flat - and send your DH with her.

That way your teens get to stay in bed.
You don't have to think too much about food.
You have peace (from her)
No broken nights - for you
No controlling for you - just DH!
And you DH just might wake up to what she's really like if he has to live with her!

Win, win!

I agree you have a dh problem. Your mil would drive me nuts, ds however would love her as he asks about breakfast the moment he awakes, lunch as soon as breakfast is finished then dinner and all puddings. He wants the exact detail of what each is and it drives me batshit.

Can you give her the task of being responsible for lunch but solely responsible and she's to surprise you all with it every day? On the understanding that everyone fends for themselves for breakfast and you are in charge of dinner, which is also a surprise ?

If your H won’t do anything about it. You need to learn to become selectively deaf.

Let her be all woe is me. Who gives a shit really? She can be upset and hopefully sulk and stop speaking to you all.

I wouldn’t get up and have breakfast when she wants. I’d tell her large breakfast extravaganza’s are not something you and the children want so won’t be joining her tomorrow morning.

If she asks what you’ll have for lunch tell her oh I dunno. Repeat for every other meal.

And just move away from her, go to another room, do something else, have a long bath and lock the door. Ignore her.

So what if she moans.

If your DH won't do anything about it, move her into the house and yourself in to the basement and let them get on with it. Only let your DC come with if you want to. Once he's had a few days if her pestering him in his office, I bet he'll soon change his tune.

Will she just talk incessantly about something else if deflected from food? Does she have a skill which she could use for a project, like - um - making some curtains? Planning and choosing new paint for her bathroom? Photographing the birds in the garden and plotting their appearances on a run chart?

Just thinking people who talk all the time are unbearable, but somebody doing this in the kitchen and criticising the food would drive me mad, I would rather almost anything else. Even if I had to declare her Queen of the Laundry.

I just want to.say well done for not killing her, you are a very patient person!

@SunshineCake I am guessing the clue is in OP's username

Never mind a basement op - you need a patio.. Alibi always available on mn.

Seriously have a chat with dc. All singing from the same sheet may make dh see he and mil are both batshit.. Send him down with her.. Lock the door and lose the bloody key. Remember you are a grown up and can tell her to buggar off /stfu! Give the dc 'permission' to be rude if they need to be ..

If one of the issues is that you feel its a cultural thing then what about your culture that she is happy to stamp all over?

So he doesn't want to upset his mum but is happy to let the rest of his family be upset by her.

All hidden behind the shit excuse of culture.

But as long as he's getting an easy life

Stop her cooking your house your family you cook if u upset her let DH deal .

Oh god, I think I remember your previous threads.
If your DH won't grow a backbone (and why would he? He's clearly choosing the "easier life" here) then your best strategy is to ignore her. It's her way of trying to control the situation.

I strongly suggest you also read the book "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward.

Can you suggest to her that she does dinner every day, which planning can be done in advance, but that you will deal with breakfast and lunch? Agreed that she needs tactful reminding that your household works how it works and that trying to take over will just end up frustrating everyone

Absolutely you have a DH problem.

She has her own home. You say she wouldn't cope alone. No problem, your husband, her beloved son, goes with her. She can have him all to herself. You and the children can ride the pandemic without this stress. He can give her his undivided attention. She will be thrilled, would be my guess.

"It’s quite an odd relationship they have."
Doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

Seriously, put it to him. Suggest he takes her and himself off to her home.

nothing will change until your DH addresses this .... only he can sort this and he won't so it's a wasted effort.. sorry OP..

You manage to feed your family when she's not there, so why are you letting her come in and disrupt everything? She is a guest, don't let her get involved in the cooking, much as she may want to.

"MIL, I've made you a cup of tea to enjoy while I make the eggs. No thank you, I don't need any help."

If she starts to talk about making dinner, say "I've done the shopping based on my meal plan for the week, so best if we stick to that. No I won't need any help, thank you."

Also, the cat thing would infuriate me - tell her that if she endangers your animals again then she will have to leave.

Take your favourite child and go and live in her flat.

Send her down to the separate flat. Tell her you will get her shopping for her, to cook her food, in her flat. Tell DH if he doesn't support you he can move in there too.

It might make her happy, but it's making you & the children miserable.

Mummy pleasing Cultural BS or not, that's unacceptable.

at the end if the day, she’s his mother and he can’t hurt her. It’s quite an odd relationship they have.

At the end of the day you're his wife.

If DH is actually refusing to speak to her, and is leaving you to do the bulk of the coping with her, then he's the problem.

I would tell him one more time, fairly forcefully, that you cannot live like this and he must talk to her and establish some sensible boundaries. And he must be present to share the load of dealing with her a lot more.

If this doesn't happen, I would tell him either she goes or you do. Life is too short to put up with this level of nonsense.

Yep, lock her in the basement and forget about her 😊

She is very reactive and will go into a decline if I challenge her about food. I just feel as if I can’t at the moment because DH is stressed about work and I can’t put any more on him. One DS has exams next week so au don’t want a major drama. And at some point she’ll go home obviously, so I’m trying to just cope with it.

Next week might not be as bad because the kids will have to be up and ready by 8 to register for the online schools.

But what she’s doing as well is constantly telling me to take tea into DH or ask him if he wants anything. All day long. I’m not doing this because if he wants something he can ask (and he will) and he’s on the phone most of the time or trying to concentrate and so it’s better to just leave him to it. She died t understand this and thinks I’m very negligent and uncaring. I can tell she thinks this by her face.

MIL is originally from Iran and I do like the food, but it’s too much all the time. She does make other food too, but always with the same twist in it. She is just in there and I can’t really stop her because she just does it. When the kids were doing online school, she kept calling them at 10.30 to come and sit round the table and drink milk and biscuits!! How many teens will sit there and drink milk, I ask you?! I just made some tea instead. It’s very difficult. She isn’t well (mentally) really, but oh my god.

To the poster asking about the cats - three are Persian and three are Ragdolls but she gets the Ragdolls mixed up, even though they are completely different faces and colours , and she lets one out without his special collar which keeps him in the garden. He is the only cat who goes quite far and onto a road. I’ve been out at all hours searching for him and I’m a nervous wreck about this as well.