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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL on lockdown - controlling the house via food and it’s making me feel ill

155 replies

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 19:27

Hi, sorry about all this and hope it isn’t too long. I posted about MIL a couple of years ago (I think). So in case anyone asks if I posted before.... Yes - she was the MIL who came here from a South American country and DH bought her a flat near to us which she really wanted, but then, on moving in, she refused to speak to us for 3 months because of a misplaced Christmas card (not joking). Also she was very nasty during this time. Then she decided to move on from this, but DH was worried about her. She took medication for suspected manic-depression and seemed much better. She moved in with us and we converted the whole basement for her (massive building project for months which I had to deal with as DH always at work). Then, after all this, she said she couldn’t live with us because our house has too many stairs and they’re too steep - so the upshot was, DH had to find her another apartment at great expense as she only wanted one with security. And we are left with a flat in the basement which we could have used as a more open-plan space. This is what I was most annoyed about. She’s very hard work, basically. When I posted last, it was the phase when she was always ringing him in the night because she is paranoid about burglars. Anyway, this situation improved, but now she’s been staying with us for lockdown. I also have 4 DC, 17, 15, 13 and 11 and quite a lot of cats.

The problem now is that she has taken over the house by controlling everyone by food. For breakfast, I’ll normally just do a big thing of porridge or maybe some eggs, but she wants everyone up and eating one of her extravaganzas by 8am. She doesn’t grasp that the teenagers might not necessarily want to be up and she acts all “woe is I” as if they’re ignoring her, when in fact, they just want to sleep or do their thing. As soon as this is over, she is cleaning the kitchen for ages and wants me involved, then she’s on about lunch, “What will do and do have?” “Why haven’t I got such and such in,” and all this, on and on and on for hours. Then as soon as lunch is over, all she talks about is dinner. It’s making me feel ill. I don’t have eating problems, but I feel uncomfortable talking about food all day. She never used to be this bad. Also, I’m trying to help give one of the DC some educational support this week and last and she keeps telling me I’m making a fuss. She also tells the DS who is 17 that hers studying too much, but basically it’s because she wants attention all the time. And DH is in his office a lot. Plus, she keeps letting out one if the cats who can’t go out and this is also completely stressing me out. She doesn’t listen.

The main thing is the food control though. AIBU because I am feeling ill and very claustrophobic? WWYD?

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 13/04/2020 21:06

If you don't take control of the situation, nothing will change. Feel free to ignore any advice you are given. It really is up to you to stop this shit in it's tracks. It is that simple.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2020 21:06

She is very reactive and will go into a decline if I challenge her about food

So what's going to happen? She'll sulk and cry and insist she's a burden and nobody loves her? Manipulation I'm afraid, and right now she's being enabled in this

I just feel as if I can’t at the moment because DH is stressed about work and I can’t put any more on him

Absolutely your choice to make, but PPs have made many sensible suggestions and if you choose to adopt none of them that's entirely your decision. Not much point in moaning about it though ...

counciltaxquery · 13/04/2020 21:07

I'm not sure what kind of advice you expect if you're not willing to take any action.

GigiLamour · 13/04/2020 21:07

There are some very clear suggestions on here which would improve the situation no end, but the OP doesn't want to do any of them.

Sorry, OP, you are stuck with this until you choose to do something about it.

windchimes23 · 13/04/2020 21:08

My MIL is from a similar culture. She doesn't live with (us thank god) but I can empathise with you about the food, it's a constant barrage of what have we eaten, what will we eat next. It makes me want to 🤮 I love food. I enjoy feeding my family but her need to feed people is incessant. She phones me at least six times a day to make sure we've eaten, what we are going to eat next and if we need her to make food for us.

She's bored, she loves us but honestly it's crazy. She also does this 'but he is my only son, how can I break bread and know that he is not eating' business, and also bequeaths all her jewellery to our children while clutching her chest and telling us she hasn't long left in the world. The lockdown has amplified this x10.

It's a tough one, I love her dearly but she drives me freaking mental. I wish it was as easy as just sitting her down and telling her to stop, it's not malicious, it is honestly just her way.

She would say all my cats looks the same, because after all it's just a cat. Honestly don't get her started about the fact I keep animals in my house.

Hunker down and tell your DH that you can't deal with it. Make it hard for him to work from home (take those cups of tea/snacks in every 20 minutes) until he gets the message. Make your pain his pain too Wink

Traviis · 13/04/2020 21:09

She is very reactive and will go into a decline if I challenge her about food. I just feel as if I can’t at the moment because DH is stressed about work and I can’t put any more on him. One DS has exams next week so au don’t want a major drama. And at some point she’ll go home obviously, so I’m trying to just cope with it.

So why did you start this thread?

NurseButtercup · 13/04/2020 21:09

Is the basement flat fully furnished? If I was you I'd retreat down there and put myself into solitary quarantine. I'd allow the children & DH visitation at specific times of the day. 😊

littleeasterbonnet · 13/04/2020 21:10

She is very reactive and will go into a decline if I challenge her about food Are you sure...?

She is a massive drama queen and will go into a woe-is-me strop if she doesn't get her own way, more like.
She's got your DH wrapped round her little finger, and he is making you bend over backwards to accommodate her whims, all the while shutting himself into another room so he's not bothered by it all.

Others have said it already. Here it is again:

You have a DH problem.

SentimentalKiller · 13/04/2020 21:10

Why does DH and MIL culture trump yours?
Tbh both of them sound like a nightmare. You can't bring up a subject until he is in the right mood and MIL controls your living space
Is this how you want to live?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2020 21:15

I have to wait until he’s in the right mood to have this kind of conversation with him, otherwise he gets defensive and goes into a downward spiral

The two of them are quite good at using this "decline" thing to get their own way aren't they?

I'm another who recalls your previous threads, and as long as you're in good health yourself it's actually quite a straightforward choice ... you either continue to accept this manipulation or you don't

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 21:16

He has an aunt in the US who does this as well when we stay and I can see that there are some women who control the house and everyone’s whereabouts by food, because if you’re going out, you have to have had a discussion about what you’re having for dinner; what time will you be back; do you want snacks to take with you? No I do not want bloody snacks and I can’t eat all this and drink all this tea! It really makes me feel ill.

I’m going to talk to her and I’m going to say that one of the kids will need to be working at the kitchen table next week. I’m going to suggest she makes dinner late pm and we’ll be very grateful for that, but I’ll just do DH and the kids a sandwich or something quick for lunch, I’m going to ask DH to support me about this and I hope he can see what’s going in and that I’m not being disrespectful or resentful of his mother. I’m going to say we all have to live together and these are the conditions. I’ll also tell him I need to prioritise the kids and their education. Thanks very much for all the comments.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 13/04/2020 21:16

I remember your other threads.

You are terrified of anyone else ever being upset. There is always a reason why today would be a terrible time for anyone else to be upset. You always decide that today you have to be upset so nobody else gets a mardy face on.

Bollocks to that.

You'll be back here when the next crisis hits and you suffer. Again and again and again.

One day you will have to kick off and kick her out of your life. She will be all weeping and wailing. DH will be her flying monkey begging you to be a doormat again. Do not cave.

Become the new matriarch. They will both understand the role and get with it when they realise that's the new normal. Lockdown is the best time to put her in her place. She and DH have no escape from your wrath. They are at your mercy

diddl · 13/04/2020 21:18

Your husband is an utter twat.

Converted the basement & then "she had to have somewhere else"-of course she didn't!

Well, not at his expense.

So if she has a flat in the basement-why is she cooking in your kitchen?

If she has another flat-why is she at yours?

There's no reason to be in this mess!

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 21:20

windchimes - yes that sounds very familiar and you’ve captured the vibe.

Sorry if I sound useless but sometimes I just need people to tell me because I can’t see the trees in the wood.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2020 21:20

You decide to go into decline toi then. & Take yourself down to the flat.

Not nice for your DCs if you do I suppose but they're already living in the middle of all this & I bet they're entirely fed up of you all anyway.

simplekindoflife · 13/04/2020 21:23

Why can't she use the basement flat?

Tell her this isn't working for you. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Just say as much as you love her breakfasts, 8am is just too early for you all and you all need lie ins and some dinner time, so maybe just one day a week post 10am.

Refuse to discuss lunch or dinner: "oh no, I can't talk about food again" "no idea, will think about it later" "sorry, if I talk about food too much, I won't want to eat it" etc.

Hide the key to the back door to keep the cat in?!

Could your DH talk to her about the studying?

And could you all go to your rooms for some downtime? Go out for your allocated walk at lunch?

Ipadipod · 13/04/2020 21:23

In the nicest possible way, stop treading on eggshells with Mil AND your husband , stand up for yourself and your children!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/04/2020 21:25

think i'd tell DH to take her home and self isolate with her.

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 21:33

In fact to be honest, I’ve had 18 months of psychotherapy (but that’s finished now) and halfway through this, I told DH we needed to go for couples therapy because I couldn’t cope with him as he’s a workaholic and quite self-destructive in many ways and my role in life is not to just absorb him and be his audience, if that makes sense. I actually started to see him as very selfish to be honest, even though I also know he is a good man essentially and he does what he thinks is best for the family in his own way. He is very kind as well. But anyway, we had about six couple therapy sessions and he did actually engage and I think it helped him see how he affects me and that other people might actually have a different outlook to him. He has been a lot better since and he has apologised for a lot of things and now I’m much better at recognising my own boundaries. Not just with him, but my own family as well. I’ve just lost the plot with this lockdown. I don’t want to lapse back, so I won’t. Thankyou!

OP posts:
7Days · 13/04/2020 21:36

The 2 best ideas on this thread are:
Move her down to the basement.
Become the new matriarch.

It's funny that having the gentleman friend around can make her behave better. Suggests it's not all psychological ill health which she has no control over.

mummmy2017 · 13/04/2020 21:38

Tell her the children are on holiday, so will be getting up when they want.
Then tell her that because of this lunch will be something simple.
However would she mind making bread each morning as you love a piece with cheese for lunch.
Then ask her if she would make cookies and cakes, do the children have things to pick at, maybe teach the younger ones how if they are up.
Decide on dinner and tell her while everyone will eat at separate times , you will all do an evening meal and pudding.

slipperywhensparticus · 13/04/2020 21:40

Can you go to him and say you need a new house go into decline if he says no

LouiseTrees · 13/04/2020 21:41

@losseisgatos get yourself and the kids to fake being sick/having food poisoning and blame her. The DH need not know and if she says why doesn’t he have it just say I don’t know he must have a strong constitution

MrAlyhakinsMassiveYacht · 13/04/2020 21:42

If you're the same poster I remember- you live in a gilded cage.

How has the psychotherapy changed things?

losseisgatos · 13/04/2020 21:44

She won’t stay in the basement all day.

When she first moved into the flat, there was a period of about 4 months when she would call DH late at night, maybe 12 or 1am, saying she couldn’t breathe and she thought someone was trying to break in. She was very paranoid at this point. He was down there maybe two or three times a week in the middle of the night and he was exhausted. The obvious irony though, which even he could see, was that whenever he was away on business, she wouldn’t call those nights because she didn’t want me there. It was all manipulation. She did eventually stop this pattern and she’s on different meds now which seem to have helped. But he did have to tell her eventually, so he can do it again tomorrow.

OP posts: