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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Are we too old for another child ?

348 replies

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 20:21

Got one DD 1 year old , absolute little beauty and I would love another baby
I'm 35 , DH is 55. DH very hands on with DD not your typical 55 year old fit and active and young at heart always laughing and playing with DD
Are we too old for another ? I don't want an only child although ideally would love another baby
Dh days he doent crave another child but in his words 'if you really want another of course I would '

OP posts:
Smilebehappy123 · 13/04/2020 00:55

Wish he was younger that should say x

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 13/04/2020 01:35

I also think your DH is too old.

The health risks to any potential child are higher with older parents.
Also if he’s not fully on board but just going along with what you want this may cause resentment later on

Durgasarrow · 13/04/2020 01:36

Your husband is too old. Please don't saddle a kid with a senescent father. Many children still need their parents in their 20s, they don't need them to be dead.

Italiangreyhound · 13/04/2020 01:39

The OP will only be in her 50s when her kids are in their 20s, so not likely to be dead.

Italiangreyhound · 13/04/2020 01:47

Morgzmum that sounds very difficult Flowers

FredericcaPotter · 13/04/2020 03:08

Iv also.saved enough money in DD first year to pay a deposit for her first home

How much have you saved?

And you've been bloody rude to Billie.

I'm creeped out by men my age who are actively looking to procreate with women 20 years their junior. Why do they do that, do you think?

RainMinusBow · 13/04/2020 05:03

@raspberryk But we don't live in an ideal world do we? Life doesn't always work put the way we plan. I had two kids by my ex. He turned out to be horrendously abusive. I was 26 and 29 when they were born. It was so incredibly hard as I had no support whatsoever and he stopped me from seeing friends and family.

Left him at 33, lost my kids (then 3 and 6) half of the time.

Met fiancé when I was 36. He had no children but had always wanted them. I'm now 39 and 33 weeks' pregnant with a little girl. His first and both of our last. He has been incredibly supportive throughout my pregnancy and I know he's going to be an amazing dad.

Linning · 13/04/2020 05:21

Honestly, I think it's selfish to have a kid with someone in his mid-50's, and people who say '' you want one so have one'' are being very very unreasonable. It's human beings we are talking about who will be brought into a world and situation they have zero choice over, that being said, you already have one so I would commit to having two because being an only child to an elderly parent is hard and will probably mean they won't feel like enjoying their 20's in case something happen to their dad.

I am biased because my mom had me young and my grandparents were 40 and 42 when I was born so about 12/15 years younger than your husband when I was born and it was brilliant having young grandparents with lots of energy etc... but I am in my 20's now and my grandparents are in their early/mid 60's and the decline in their health and energy levels is so clearly visibly apparent, it breaks my heart every time I visit them how old they have gotten in comparison to the memory I have of them 40/early 50's. I have young cousins and young siblings who have a totally different relationship to them than I had because they just don't have the same energy level anymore, and I am forever grateful that I got to see and enjoy them at their ''peak''.
Honestly, the only thing that make seeing them get older and slower each year more bearable and less heartbreaking is the fact that they are my grandparents and that it's the natural process of life and that I am actually lucky to be having grandparents in their 60's when my friends have grandparents in the 80's that are either dead or dying.

I would be absolutely devastated if they were my parents because the difference between now and a couple of years back is so visible that you can't help to think that it's only going to get worse and it is worrying, to realize that sooner rather than later I will lose them and I am in my 20's/they are in their 60's, your husband will be 75/77 when your second child is 20 (depending on how long it takes you to conceive) and I am sorry but it's so unfair to bring in a child knowing that, if their parent is still alive by the time they reach 30, they probably will be in a care home or might suffer from dementia and other age-related illnesses. Sure one can lose a parent at all age, but there is a difference between actively bringing a child to life in a situation that isn't ideal (that's what my mom did when she chose to have a kid as a teenager) and bringing in a kid in optimal conditions and life throwing an unexpected kick at you.

The relationship I have with my grandparents would be very different than the one I have with them now if I was 10 vs my current age. They are both lovely but my grandpa, who used to be incredibly sportive now has bad bones and is much slower on his feet, he doesn't hear as well so I now find myself having to repeat stuff and say them louder than I normally would, he has also become very stubborn and opinionated to the point that he is kind of unbearable at times picking fights over nothing (you can agree with him but if you formulate it in a slightly different way than he will pick a fight thinking you are disagreeing), he is also completely out of touch with my generation let alone the generation of my 12 yo sibling.

My grandma has slowed down a lot too, she doesn't have the same patience she once had and can be slightly more irritable, she is now deaf in one hear so communication is also a struggle and requires a lot of patience/repeating. She is slightly less out of touch than my grandpa but still, I would really struggle to connect with them if they were my parents.

Ultimately it's your choice, but I don't think any child would pick to have an elderly dad/parent in their 20's if they had the chance and that should be reason enough not to proceed imo (though again better to have a sibling in this situation than none so in your case I would probably still go for it for the sake of your dd).

TKAAHUARTG · 13/04/2020 05:39

I think he is too old, yes. But he is only a year older than when you had your last child. I would never have wanted an only child, so you have to weigh that up really. There are lots of risks though.

Schuyler · 13/04/2020 05:54

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind to go ahead and he’s 54 with a small child already. You’ve made your decision, I think? It’s not one I’d have made but we are all different.

The only thing I’ll say about these threads is that it’s unhelpful when people say “I know someone who died at 30 and my 95 year old gran runs marathons”. Statistically, you’re far more likely to have serious health problems and/or even die in your 60s than your 30s.
My grandfather smoked like a chimney, drank gin like a fish and lived to near 100 but it doesn’t change the stats on his unhealthy lifestyle. He was an exception to the rule.

IHateCoronavirus · 13/04/2020 06:10

From the perspective of a child. My dad was 49 when I was born. He was/is the best dad in the world (not just my opinion but the opinion of friends). So hands on, would take us and half of the children in the neighbourhood everywhere. Nothing was too much trouble. He had a whole life’s worth of experience at his disposal and in return we kept him young.

In his 70s he was much fitter and healthier than his friends. When I had my children (he would have been 74) he was as equally active. I have happy memories of my father in his late 70s merrily pushing two small boys around his garden in a wheel barrow.

He is now in 88 going on 89 and struggling as I guess most people are at that age. He finds social interaction draining and potters a little bit gets exhausted quickly.

When I was little I used to get upset when people would refer to him as my grandad. I felt protective of him. Then when I became aware of him being older I did worry about him dying more than I did about my mum who was quite a bit younger.
As a teen again through protection of him I begged him not to come to parents evening because I didn’t him to be the topic of conversation again Sad.

Would I swap my dad for the world? No.

Whatever you decide I wish you many years of happiness together as a family Flowers

MsTSwift · 13/04/2020 06:19

The op was horribly rude to a perfectly decent poster. I don’t think she is particularly nice. Also 🙄 about these 20 year age gap relationships almost always it’s the man being the older one.

hesgotit · 13/04/2020 06:23

You didn't really come on for advice but for validation. You've been extremely rude to someone who gave a. Also opinion @BillieEilish not sure why you're questioning her username, that was really odd!

Yes as the child of an older father, it's too old, but you're going to have another child with him anyway!

hesgotit · 13/04/2020 06:24

*Gave an honest option , not an also opinion. 🙄

Teana89 · 13/04/2020 06:42

I think he is too old. For the first, and a sibling if you have another.

You will be trying to accommodate the needs of teenagers with those of an elderly man full time.

ItsMsActually · 13/04/2020 06:44

Sorry to derail this slightly, but you said you didn't want children in last relationships until you met your partner 3 years ago and that you didn't want kids straight away, so I'm guessing you started TTC after around year maybe? And your DD is 1? So it took you around a year to conceive.
But you said you struggled to concieve 'for many many years'.

I'm probably being pedantic but that just doesn't make sense.

hesgotit · 13/04/2020 06:46

I agree @ItsMsActually that part made no sense to me either.

Youcanstay · 13/04/2020 06:50

Your husband is WAY too old to be having kids!

Exoffice · 13/04/2020 07:08

I don't think 35 is too old at all. But 55 is.

55 may be ok now bit it will become an issue sooner than later. I have two friends with old dads. They just couldn't do many thinks with them when they were younger - not like other dads did; they became carers for their dads in their 20 and in the mid 20s, the dads had passed away. I think you shouldn't just consider your desire for a baby but also what is fair for the child long term.

eaglejulesk · 13/04/2020 07:22

I agree with other posters OP - you have been very rude to BillieEilish who was perfectly pleasant to you and offered sensible advice. You are sounding rather immature to be honest.

ChrissieKeller61 · 13/04/2020 07:48

@Greenmarmalade we thought about this. could you imagine twins ha ha
Dh said he would move to Australia and change his name to Bruce grin
@smilebehappy123 unfortunately that's not an option for him, he's too old the age limit is 45 for a visa

Exoffice · 13/04/2020 07:54

I would also consider how you would cope with a child with complex needs. From a reproductive age point of view, you are not very young anymore and it is well documented that increased paternal age also going hand in hand with a higher chance of having a disabled child. How would you handle looking after a child with significant additional needs esp when taking your DH's advanced age into consideration.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/04/2020 07:59

I think he’s too old now or in a year or two but was also too old for your first.

Isn’t there an increased risk of a child with additional needs/disabilities with an older dad? I wouldn’t want to be a single parent to a high needs child (although I know plenty of mums manage it).

MichaelMumsnet · 13/04/2020 08:01

Thanks for the reports. We've removed some personal attacks, and hopefully the thread can get back on track now.

PenisBeakerDipper · 13/04/2020 08:07

I don’t see that there’s a huge difference between 54 and 56, so if you want another go for it.

My concern wouldn’t be for now - personally I found the first 10 years of parenting the easiest, but maybe that’s just me!? You’ve already committed to having an elderly husband and a teenager at the same time so I’m not sure why another year and a half will make a difference!