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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think spending £13 a month on this is fine?

154 replies

QueenOfHell669 · 12/04/2020 10:05

Hi,
To explain the situation a bit,
My mother was/is quite abusive and I helped my younger sister (16 at the time) move out of home into a flat. I paid for a lot of things for her but also helped her into part time work and some study, she has flourished. 4 nearly 5yrs on I barely have any financial involvement with her, she stands on her own.

Never asks to borrow or have money from me and is very independent. The last tie so to speak is her phone. It’s now sim only as the 2yr contract lapsed and costs me just £13 a month. She had mentioned maybe getting her own contract in a few months to boost her credit file at which point of course I will cancel the contract but the phone itself is paid off now so she can keep that irrespective.

My partner thinks I am babying her and insulting her to continue to pay this £13, he has gone a little far with this in my eyes even suggesting I am being taken for a “mug” I’d appreciate some insights on this. He feels very strongly about this and I don’t get it hence wanting to canvass opinion.

My stance is that I can more than afford it, she’ll buy herself a new phone/contract when she’s ready and it’s only £13 a month added onto a phone bill I already pay (my own). I don’t even see the point in considering creating an awkward situation where my sister may feel bad or like she owes me something when I’m very happy to help her. Who’s being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Casino218 · 12/04/2020 12:57

My DD is 20 and we pay her phone and her rent actually. She hasn't parents to do that. She has you. Sod him.

ShootsFruitAndLeaves · 12/04/2020 13:13

£13 is a bit much for a phone contract imo. There are many better deals.

Rachie1973 · 12/04/2020 13:17

My sister needed to move out of her marital home with her kids in a hurry. I gave her £2000 to do it. I love her and I know she would do it for me.

I’m just going through a SGO process to take residency of 2 of my grandchildren who have different fathers. It’s hard because one is not biologically related to me. However, I want both and psychologists put a HUGE amount of emphasis on how important sibling bonds are. More unbreakable and important than almost any other.

You clearly have an amazing bond, and he shouldn’t have any place in damaging it.

everythingisginandroses · 12/04/2020 13:21

He's quibbling over £13 per month of your money? Tell him to jog on, what an arse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2020 13:24

Get Rid.

He looks at you and sees pound signs, he wants all that lovely money and cheaper living costs for himself.

Seriously, run away from this one.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2020 13:29

So you're together during lockdown? If you're with him, leave and go back to your own place. If he's with you, tell him to bugger off.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 12/04/2020 13:30

Why is it any of his concern?
You’re doing a lovely. You’re kind, considerate and want the best for your sister.
He is lacking in those traits and thinks your sister is taking you for a ride?
That says a lot about the kind of man he is.

Mythologies · 12/04/2020 13:31

Why are you still with him?

Survivingchipandkippee · 12/04/2020 13:36

Your sister is so lucky to have you. She has moved to be financially independent. I think if you stopped paying this it might make it into something bigger than it is. She’s already said about taking it on so I’d wait to she did that. You want her to feel that she can come to you if needed in the future.

Winterwoollies · 12/04/2020 13:47

@ShootsFruitAndLeaves it really isn’t.

justasking111 · 12/04/2020 13:48

I pay netflix rental for my two adult sons and their families extra on my account, if my OH dared to question that he would be toast. Carry on and ignore him.

picklemewalnuts · 12/04/2020 13:50

He can go now. Or are you in his house?

You'll enjoy lockdown much more without him.

Zombiemum1946 · 12/04/2020 13:52

Dh should be proud of what you've enabled dsis to become. So you want to still give her a little something each month, so what, he needs to wind it in.

muckycat · 12/04/2020 13:53

not read all 6 pages but it's a lovely kind gesture and nothing at all to do with him as you can afford it.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2020 13:58

I've said to my sister that CV-19 is going to show a lot of people just who their partner/spouse really is. She's seeing it in hers, you're seeing it in yours. Her DP constantly tries to undermine her relationships with others (female friends and her adult DC) to 'turn' her from asking their opinions and help to depending ONLY on him for everything. She didn't see it before the lockdown, she does now.

As far as yours:

1-he's stingy
2-he's controlling
3-he's a potential cocklodger
4-he sticks his nose in where it doesn't belong

He has his own place. I'd tell him it's just not working and he needs to go home. Now.

Thelnebriati · 12/04/2020 14:02

It might be hard to see now, but this is actually a red flag for future controlling behaviours.

🚩Look out for him trying to drive a wedge between you and anyone or thing you are emotionally attached to - friends, relatives, pets or hobbies.🚩
He wants your focus to be on him, and your resources to be available only to him.
He may start to display signs of jealousy.
You might think it would be a good idea to give in for a quiet life, but the opposite will be true - the more you give in, the less satisfied he will be, and the more he will escalate.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 12/04/2020 14:02

You sound lovely! Please don’t change

saturdaynightathome · 12/04/2020 14:12

Firstly - It's not your partner's decision what you do with your money.

Secondly - you sound lovely and well done to both you and your sister for doing so well and supporting each other. If you're happy and she's doing well then it's all good.

If he's not happy with that then you have another problem, sorry.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/04/2020 14:23

TBH - I'd be more upset at having a partner who didn't (sensibly) help out their family, than one who does.

It's what you do for people you love. You don't put a price on caring for someone.

If he begrudges her a few quid a month (which is going to be short term anyway, what is he going to be like when you are out of this "honeymoon" period of co-habiting and he is even more himself.

Give him a jar of coffee and a bag of apples or something, and send him home.

Mangofandangoo · 12/04/2020 14:30

Sounds to me like you're a great sister OP Daffodil

Purpleartichoke · 12/04/2020 14:32

You have taken on the role normally taken by a parent, easing the financial transition into independence. When she is ready to buy a new phone, this bill will disappear.

I think you have done an amazing thing. Every young adult should have the kind of help you gave given, but sadly, many do not.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/04/2020 22:00

Ha! Suspected as much.

Controlling tosser, doesn't like it at all that you out-earn him, so he's already trying to throw his weight around.

You're 2 years in and you're beginning to see the real him. You sound as if you're quite aware of that too!

Be careful not to fall for the sunk costs fallacy. 'I've invested 2 years, I really should try and talk to him, see if he can change... he's lovely sometimes... teething problems...'

No.

Think of it this way. Every day you stay with someone who really isn't a keeper, who you know isn't great, you're wasting a day, a month, a year when you could be meeting someone really worth building a future with.

Don't waste time on sub-standard men.

He's an arse, get rid asap.

OVienna · 12/04/2020 22:13

He's a twat. Get him gone.

Want2beme · 12/04/2020 22:22

Wish I had a relationship like yours with my own sister. Your DS obviously means a lot to you. Don't let him jeopardise that. That would be very sad.

GetUpAgain · 12/04/2020 22:28

You are lovely, he is a tosser - but I see you realise that and his days are numbered. Good on you, both for looking out for your sis and for not tolerating this shite from a partner.