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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think spending £13 a month on this is fine?

154 replies

QueenOfHell669 · 12/04/2020 10:05

Hi,
To explain the situation a bit,
My mother was/is quite abusive and I helped my younger sister (16 at the time) move out of home into a flat. I paid for a lot of things for her but also helped her into part time work and some study, she has flourished. 4 nearly 5yrs on I barely have any financial involvement with her, she stands on her own.

Never asks to borrow or have money from me and is very independent. The last tie so to speak is her phone. It’s now sim only as the 2yr contract lapsed and costs me just £13 a month. She had mentioned maybe getting her own contract in a few months to boost her credit file at which point of course I will cancel the contract but the phone itself is paid off now so she can keep that irrespective.

My partner thinks I am babying her and insulting her to continue to pay this £13, he has gone a little far with this in my eyes even suggesting I am being taken for a “mug” I’d appreciate some insights on this. He feels very strongly about this and I don’t get it hence wanting to canvass opinion.

My stance is that I can more than afford it, she’ll buy herself a new phone/contract when she’s ready and it’s only £13 a month added onto a phone bill I already pay (my own). I don’t even see the point in considering creating an awkward situation where my sister may feel bad or like she owes me something when I’m very happy to help her. Who’s being unreasonable?

OP posts:
kingkuta · 12/04/2020 10:30

Your DH sounds like a dick. Absolutely none of his business.

letsdolunch321 · 12/04/2020 10:30

You sound a loving sister who is helping her sibling out without breaking the bank. As you said you can afford it and that is why you do it.

💐 for you, the partner needs to butt out.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/04/2020 10:31

You sound lovely. Why is it any of his business?

morecoffeerequired · 12/04/2020 10:34

She became your sister before he became your partner.

Blood is thicker than water.

Because you love her.

Because you want to.

user53175387 · 12/04/2020 10:34

Your partner does sound like an absolute dick.

Your sister has been through way more than anyone should go through, and more than most her age who will still have the security of a parental safety net for years or decades to come (which makes a huge difference to people learning independence). That unconditional background support from you will have been critical to her doing so well in the circumstances, and will influence how her future life plays out.

The motives of anyone trying to disrupt that (and in such nasty terms) should be questioned. Is he controlling in other ways?

moneysavingmama · 12/04/2020 10:40

My Dad paid my phone bill till I had my first child - I told him to stop then cause I felt it was a bit silly! Think he'd still be paying it now if I hadn't mentioned it.

kingkuta · 12/04/2020 10:42

The motives of anyone trying to disrupt that (and in such nasty terms) should be questioned. Is he controlling in other ways?
I was thinking exactly this when I read your post OP. A loving partner would surely be proud that their DP was supportive of their sister in such circumstances

Bananabixfloof · 12/04/2020 10:46

Junk the partner. I pay the council tax for one of my kids and other bills for the others to equal ish amounts. I would never begrudge 13 quid.
And more to the point I wouldn't begrudge my partner paying a similar amount to a relative.

mogtheexcellent · 12/04/2020 10:49

You are a wonderful sister. Your DH is an arse. I suspect he did not have a difficult upbringing and therefore has no idea what you and your sister went through?

My DH is the same. Well off middle class background and private school education whereas I grew up in a council estatee with an alcoholic father and a DM who starved herself to feed us.

viques · 12/04/2020 10:50

I wonder how many little indulgences your partner spends on himself every month OP. The odd pint, for himself or paying for a round with a friend, occasional cup of take away coffee, a blueberry muffin, a bar of chocolate or a greggs sausage roll at lunch time, a scratch card or two , etc etc

I bet if they were added up they would more than equal the amount you spend on your sister, and more importantly without having the benefit of the love and care that you are showing her by paying for her phone, which in my opinion is something which can't have a monetary value put on it.

ohtheholidays · 12/04/2020 10:51

YANBU but it might help if you explain to your DH that your doing what a more involved Mum would have been doing(before anyone jumps on my back I'm not saying that every parent has to do this to be involved!)and that if the tables were reversed you wouldn't begrudge him helping out a younger sibling.

For what it's worth I think what your doing is really lovely Flowers

Outtedagain · 12/04/2020 10:52

You have made fantastic decisions to date. You do not need advice from him.

Ruddle91 · 12/04/2020 10:53

I pay my brothers dog insurance for him, it's his dog who I looked after whilst he went to uni and just kept paying it. He's poorly and unemployed but never asks for money.

Itwasntme1 · 12/04/2020 10:54

You sound like a great big sister. I would absolutely pay the phone charge. It’s a small gesture of support.

notalwaysalondoner · 12/04/2020 10:55

People just have very different perceptions of how families should work, particularly around money. I’d say if your sister was still relying on you for lots of financial support aged 20 he’d maybe be reasonable to point out in the long run independence would be the best thing for her, but £13 a month is nothing. She’s doing amazingly if that’s all the help she gets - loads of twenty year olds still rely 100% on their parents financially.

I do have one friend who sends back a huge chunk of his pay cheque every month to support his adult brother in Zimbabwe, and I think if I was his wife I’d find that very hard as from the sound of it the brother is then disincentivised from having a career of his own, and it’s money you could be enjoying yourselves. But even in that situation she just accepts that that is what her DH has always done and so it’s not up to her to interfere.

bettybattenburg · 12/04/2020 10:55

He's being ridiculous. I pay for the prescription prepay for my adult daughter, she can afford it now but I'm happy to keep doing it so i know she has something essential covered. What you are doing is lovely.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/04/2020 10:56

Oh tell him to fuck off. Sisters before misters!

I'm afraid that your partner sounds like a tosser.

Your money - your sister - your choice.

She isn't milking you dry, or taking advantage. You have been a wonderful sister who has helped her to find her feet, and achieve her potential. This gives you pleasure as well as continuing to be tiny help to her. She has every intention of getting her own contract soon - but even if she didn't

IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!!!!! Angry

As someone else said - what is he earmarking that £13 for? It's less than the price of a cup of coffee a week from one of those fancy coffee shops we had BC (Before Corona). Tell him to bugger off!

Waveysnail · 12/04/2020 10:56

Your a fab big sis. Sit dp down and explain that you are basically her mum figure and doing this for her is important to u

DonnaDarko · 12/04/2020 10:57

I think you're a lovely sister :) your partner, however, is an arse. Sorry.

Bluejuicyapple · 12/04/2020 10:58

Meh, my dad pays my sisters Costco membership, who knows why? She’s 44. No idea how it even happened in the first place but he never stopped. She can easily afford it but I imagine he likes doing it. My FIL pays for a membership for me, he wants to. I don’t object

rhowton · 12/04/2020 10:58

My brother has just lost his job (not furloughed). I'm paying his half of his rent for 3 months. My parents are paying his half of the bills for 3 months. My brother is so generous and would do the same, but he started a new job at the beginning of March and was let go after 2 weeks because of coronavirus. If you can afford it, and you love them and they love you, do it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/04/2020 10:58

You and your sister sound fab! Well done both of you.

Your partner is a tosser.

ssd · 12/04/2020 11:00

You sound absolutely lovely and the bond you have as sisters as priceless. I'd keep paying, she sounds like she has done so well and I'd just pay to like give her a little help every month.

BUT I'd be getting shot of your partner. He sounds mean and nasty. You don't need a man like that.

ssd · 12/04/2020 11:01

I wish I had a big sis like you, not for the money, but for the thought.

lemoncheesecakes · 12/04/2020 11:02

Your dp is a controlling dick who should mind his own business. Hope you get rid of him.