Aibu to think spending £13 a month on this is fine?

[QueenOfHell669]

Hi,
To explain the situation a bit,
My mother was/is quite abusive and I helped my younger sister (16 at the time) move out of home into a flat. I paid for a lot of things for her but also helped her into part time work and some study, she has flourished. 4 nearly 5yrs on I barely have any financial involvement with her, she stands on her own.

Never asks to borrow or have money from me and is very independent. The last tie so to speak is her phone. It’s now sim only as the 2yr contract lapsed and costs me just £13 a month. She had mentioned maybe getting her own contract in a few months to boost her credit file at which point of course I will cancel the contract but the phone itself is paid off now so she can keep that irrespective.

My partner thinks I am babying her and insulting her to continue to pay this £13, he has gone a little far with this in my eyes even suggesting I am being taken for a “mug” I’d appreciate some insights on this. He feels very strongly about this and I don’t get it hence wanting to canvass opinion.

My stance is that I can more than afford it, she’ll buy herself a new phone/contract when she’s ready and it’s only £13 a month added onto a phone bill I already pay (my own). I don’t even see the point in considering creating an awkward situation where my sister may feel bad or like she owes me something when I’m very happy to help her. Who’s being unreasonable?

You're not at all unreasonable, it's none of your soon to be ex partner's business. A pity he ever knew about it.

One of these days he might be glad of a helping hand from a friend or relative.

Happy Easter.

Also to clarify we’re definitely largely financially separate (albeit becoming more entwined, as we work out who can afford to pay for what) as we still have our own residences. The lockdown did force us to joint household it, but it’s not a permanent measure. I also out-earn him by about 75% and my housing costs are half his. Not trying to brag just pointing out how he’s really not in a position to moan. As A- I can afford it, I could afford much more when she needed that too (though she doesn’t anymore) and B- it’s my money. It’s not his money or even “our” money at this relatively early stage.

It’s not his money. Tell him to fuck off, you can do what you want with your own money.

The reason he "feels strongly" about this, is he wants to drive a wedge between you and your sister.

ditch him asap.

Your sister needs extra love and care, (as do you) as your mother is abusive. You need each other. you need to support each other.

Oh I think its lovely that you are keeping up the payment.
It will come to a natural end when takes on a new phone.
I did the same with my step son had his sim only going for a few years after he moved out......the only reason that came to an end was it was considered a financial commitment when we were looking at applying for a mortgage. We have a low income and were trying to reduce our outgoings as much as possible.
By that point he was actually earning more money than us so felt less guilty.

He sounded dodgy from your first post, and your updates make me think you should absolutely get rid. He won't change and it sounds like you'd be a lot better off without him.

Yes given the low costs to exit the relationship, get out sooner than later, why waste more time with someone that doesn’t understand the value of family.

He has his own residence? I wouldn't wait for the lockdown to finish. Out he goes. If he's trying to exert this level of control at this stage over such a trivial amount, it's not going to get better.

Please make sure that your contraception is 100%. I see so many posts from women in your situation and next thing it’s

“ Oh I’m pregnant and he’s over the moon and promises he will change so I’m go to try to and make it work because I don’t want my baby to be from a broken home”

You sound like a lovely sister OP. I don’t think this is about the money at all, but the symbolism of how you have supported your sister all these years, and I can understand why neither of you is in a rush to end it.

What a lovely relationship you have with your sister. How lovely that has flourished despite your mother. And now that it still flourishes despite your partner. I wouldn’t live someone who didn’t want to support my nearest and dearest emotional and financially when possible. Generosity is a lovely trait - your partner sounds like a dick and this is a real red flag.

Why is he so invested in you spending £13 on your sister. It's your money. Screw him.

It's 42.7p per day, tell him to get lost!

Just saw your updates - get rid today. He sounds awful and in the nicest way after he is gone do some work on you - the first time someone is controlling or unkind or doesn’t feel right is when you get rid of them. You only want the best.

I am sharing this lockdown with my partner of 37 years and our adult children, whilst trying to keep in contact with elderly parents elsewhere, and one thing that I have come to think of more and more is "will this man encourage you to be the best version of yourself, somebody in whose skin you can feel comfortable?" I've realised that mine does; if I don't always make the most of the opportunity, then that's on me.

Having to fight for the everyday decency in yourself would be an exhausting way to live and it wouldn't get any better. In the end, how can you feel any respect for a man who wants you to be less generous, less loving, less you? Your relationship with your sister should be an endless source of joy and pride to you- you helped her, she grew: do you want it to become the area of your life where you are ashamed of your partner instead?

You love your sister, your pride in her is pouring out of your post, she sounds a credit to you that despite your mum's negative influence she has become a mature and independant adult. If you want to treat her, to keep that tie, to show how much you love her you do it - she could get a better phone or contract, with that extra £13. I think it's a wonderful idea.

He begrudges you spending £13 a month on your younger sister ? He sounds jealous and controlling. It is a small amount of money, she is a young person who in different circumstances might still be getting some support from parents.
It is also your money. £13 is less than you would pay if you took your sister out for coffee and cake once a month, would he moan about that too ?
Petty, mean and jealous are not good qualities. Is he controlling in other areas ?

It’s a nice thing to do. Nobody would ever think of telling me how to spend my money.

Glad you have sussed him out and that it should be uncomplicated to split. You deserve much better.

You sound like a lovely big sister and if you can afford it and are happy to do so, carry on. It sound alike you and your sister have a mutually respectful relationship and that this will resolve itself in due course anyway,

Who knows, things may change and you might need to rely on her one day.

xposted with your post about the relationship not going so well.

I think you'd do better to cut your losses with this one entirely. Don't get any further entwined, financially or otherwise and if you have the option to go back to your own residence, I'd do that (you're allowed to in order to escape a domestic situation).

He's not going to improve, only get worse.

I’d be more worried that your partner is trying to control you. It’s none of his business what you spend your money on. You sound like a lovely big sister.

Get rid of your partner. You should only be with someone who is supportive, kind and respectful towards you and your family.

I completely agree with pp who have said sisters before misters!