I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

And actually you said you would give your right hand for time alone - then when you hear the specific circumstances (ie infertility) suddenly you don’t want it at all? You wouldn’t cut off your ring hand for a lie in and some time alone then?

When have I said I'm the only one allowed to be down? I feel for EVERYONE at the moment, everyone has different things they're struggling with, that's my point.

Could you do some volunteering? That would get you out of the house and give you more of a purpose.

@MissBax Given everyone's come to the same conclusion about what you wrote, why not read back over your posts and see how they come across?

"I feel for everyone" was not the vibe you were putting across.

YANBU, they shouldn't have said that. They know they would not be able to cope being alone and that is one of the reasons they have had kids/started a household.

I can appreciate some people are tearing their hair out with kids, and so they should appreciate your situation too. I hate it when people think their unruly, untrained kids trumps everything else. It doesn't, they just can't parent.

I think you need to find people who can empathise ie people in the same situation ad you.
It's not at all nice or helpful of your friends with children to dismiss how you feel. You told them how you were feeling and they didn't even acknowledge it.

YANBU. I have two DCs, one teenage, one pre-teen and I feel very lucky as they can be really good company but are also not dependent on me for entertainment.

I feel for those with very young children, but that is partly projection as I found the toddler and pre-school years extremely difficult and I know not everyone does. I imagine having children (of any age) helps the time pass quicker.

It’s a shame your friends have belittled your sadness; I wouldn’t take that attitude with my friends who don’t have children. This is tough for everyone, for different reasons. Good friends with empathy would acknowledge that.

I’m going to look into volunteering, I didn’t really think of that so thank you to all those who suggested it.

I did look into working for a doctor or similar but I’m not allowed to earn money whilst on furlough so can’t do that unfortunately, unless anyone knows of anywhere I could offer nanny services for free?

Thank you all so much x

But if 4 of her friends have all said the same then maybe it is HER who isn't being very sympathetic to them

I’ve tried to write a response to this a bunch of times but nothing really feels suitable other then wow that was a kick in the teeth.

OP are you on the nanny chat group on Facebook? There’s some lovely girls in there a lot of them also furloughed and I’m sure people would be willing to chat and message with you!

My kids are keeping me sane. So no YANBU. I feel for you 💐

Please hug yourself. Your brain doesn't know it is your arms around yourself and your brain will have the serotonin it needs to feel better within yourself.

Take little notice of people saying oh it's harder with kids etc. They have no empathy.

When have I said I'm the only one allowed to be down? I feel for EVERYONE at the moment, everyone has different things they're struggling with, that's my point.

I think you need to re-read your first post. Your attitude sounds awful. Don’t be surprised at the responses if you use phrases like “I'm sick of my friends without kids moaning to me if I'm honest” and then go on to moan about how difficult things are for you.

Also if you sign up with the Bubble babysitting app I’ve been getting emails from them asking people to do free babysitting for NHS workers so that might be an interest to you?

OP, I live on my own (although I do have a dog to keep me company) and I completely understand how you feel. I try not to look on the bigger picture sometimes as it just feels overwhelming. Small daily things are my focus at the moment, but I have to say that sometimes it's really difficult to motivate myself and the prospect of this going on for weeks or months gets me a bit jittery if I think too hard about it. I'm used to my own company and generally like it, but I'm still finding it hard at times.

Your friends (and some on here too, to be honest) seem to be lacking in empathy - this isn't a misery competition, we're ALL finding it hard going, no matter what situation and circumstances we find ourselves in. This is the time we should be pulling together and supporting each other with a bit of understanding.

"Please hug yourself. Your brain doesn't know it is your arms around yourself and your brain will have the serotonin it needs to feel better within yourself."

Oh God, I'm sorry but serotonin or no, that would just make me feel worse. I'm so alone I have to hug myself? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I have 2 kids and it’s fine. But if this had happened 2 years ago when they were that bit smaller and much harder work it would have been horrendous. I think if somebody is saying it’s hard with kids then it’s true for them... it means it’s bloody hard. If someone in their own is finding it hard then they are also telling the truth. Why does it have to be a bloody competition?

I was thinking just this afternoon. I have 3 small children and honestly don’t get a second to myself. My “me time” is actually time spent cooking, cleaning, tidying up or doing laundry. I am being driven slightly insane. BUT I was thinking that it must be worse to be on your own. I have barely got time to think about the lockdown. Life is so busy just having everyone at home. Yes it is hard, and I am struggling, but I think I would be finding it much harder if I were on my own.

That aside, no matter whether others would find your situation more or less difficult than their own, your friends should be able to empathise that YOU are finding it hard. That is important in and of itself. So, I am sorry you are feeling so lonely OP. I am sure many people feel this way at the moment. Your friends are too caught up in their own situations and just because they think they would like a bit of alone time they aren’t listening to you saying that you are drowning. They need to hear your problems on your terms, not by interpreting it in terms of their own situation. I hope you manage to find a way through - remember it won’t be forever!

I am sorry your friends were so arsey.

I totally get where you are coming from.

@MissBax
I would do anything to stay in bed as long as I want, go for a walk alone, listen to music, read a book, watch a film. I'd cut off my right hand for that.

Then why on earth have you had kids?

You can't make a life decision and then moan about it because you'd actually prefer the other option. Do you know what children entail? You chose your path as you had the option of either being single or having kids with your partner, a lot of people stuck by themselves at this time did not choose to being alone with no contact.

I'm sorry your mood is all over the place, but no need to be so unsympathetic to the OP.

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling, OP. Not unreasonable, at all.

I'm with my family and I'm still lonely - it's not just about being on your own. I do think it's hard to be on your own all the time and it's hard to be with people all the time. Hard for almost everyone.

OP, I'm genuinely sorry if it came across as rude. I really am struggling at the moment too and I'm obviously coming across as way more abrupt than I intended. I hold my hands up and apologise, you are of course entitled to be feeling lonely and I completely understand why you would be.

*@LoveIsLovely - ironic username there with such an aggressive response. The point is you would get the emotional and mental health benefits which will help..

I think you need to re-read your first post. Your attitude sounds awful. Don’t be surprised at the responses if you use phrases like “I'm sick of my friends without kids moaning to me if I'm honest” and then go on to moan about how difficult things are for you

DIdnt' sound awful to me at all. It's always shitey to turn to someone for support in bad times and they dismiss your life and feelings by saying they have it even harder.