I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

Yanbu

You're not unreasonable to feel low and it's all relative isn't it.
But I'm sick of my friends without kids moaning to me if I'm honest. I have a toddler who is going through an almighty strop phase, I'm pregnant and have awful morning sickness and exhaustion and we have no garden. Partner works frontline and I'm anxious daily about the risk of covid and him bringing it into the house. I'm trying to entertain a toddler whilst feeling like I'm going to vomit constantly and my mood up and down.
It's not that I don't appreciate that my friends without children may also be struggling, but I'd rather they didn't moan to me about it. I would do anything to stay in bed as long as I want, go for a walk alone, listen to music, read a book, watch a film. I'd cut off my right hand for that.

I'm not sure if it's harder with kids, just very different. You've got no-one to interact with, and nothing to distract you from all the very reasonable fears you must have right now. You are certainly not being unreasonable.
Do you feel you could volunteer to help shielded people, perhaps by phoning someone who is also alone. I know there are local groups who are organising things like this, but I appreciate it might not be for you. Thinking of you

Friends should be supportive, but people are caught up in their own problems and aren't very empathetic at the moment.

Could you do some volunteering? It would give you a purpose and company. Not all volunteering involves increased risk (such as shopping)it includes things like phone elderly who are home alone once a day to check they are safe and give then contact.

I would do anything to stay in bed as long as I want, go for a walk alone, listen to music, read a book, watch a film. I'd cut off my right hand for that.

Except: that's really not what life is like for most of those on their own in the middle of this! And while I get that this is hard for you, you're basically saying to the OP "woe you on your prolonged little holiday". Can't people just show a little empathy?

I'm sorry you're struggling. But, really, there's no need to tell OP how "good" she has it when she's obviously suffering under her situation!

I have messaged you op

It's hard for people in different ways. At least with kids you have someone to focus on. Of course there are difficulties in keeping them entertained and schoolwork and so on.

Your friends don't sound very empathetic.

BrexpatInSwitzerland

No, I said what my friends without children are doing at the moment, not OP. Posting pictures of themselves going for walks with their partners, baking cakes, reading in their gardens with a beer and g&t in hand. And then texting saying how fed up they are whilst others are running round after their family without a seconds break.

"It's not that I don't appreciate that my friends without children may also be struggling, but I'd rather they didn't moan to me about it. I would do anything to stay in bed as long as I want, go for a walk alone, listen to music, read a book, watch a film. I'd cut off my right hand for that."

Gosh, people like you are exactly who the OP is talking about.

It's not all fun and games without kids you know, many of my friends without children are having a miserable time.

If you don't want your friends to moan to you, tell them, but don't expect them to listen to your worries either.

@MissBax God give the whole mum martyr shit a break ffs.

Your friends have no idea dn tbh dont seem to be able to out themselves in anyone shoes.

Yes being at home iwth young dcs is hard. But is being at home ALONE!
One of my friends is in a similar place, though she has her dog to her some cuddles. I make a point of talking to her regularly and she has told me before how much she appreciates it. And how being isolated like this also has triggered some of her MH problems.

Its hard. Really hard.

Mum martyr?! I'm just explaining why parents might resent their friends without kids moaning at the moment. Calm down.

Bloody hell I cant stand mum martyrs who think no one has it as hard as them because they have children you know!

@MissBax, so you are basically comparing the OP to your friends with live WITH A PARTNER, even though the main issue of the OP is her LONELINESS because she is living ALONE.

Im sorry but if you think living alone is the same thn living with a partner than you are living on another planet or completely missing any common sense.

I think this situation is hard on people stuck at home alone. If you work as a nanny is it possible to work for a doctor? I know one who was struggling to find a nanny because they kept saying no when they found out they'd be working for a doctor! Drs parents usually did childcare but are now high risk so they needed to avoid that option. Keep in touch with friends and family as much as possible and use video calls. Would the families you work for let you video chat to the kids?

@MissBax You make it sound like everyone else is having a party and you're the only one suffering. Plenty of people without children are having a bad time. I have children and I'm sitting here drinking a beer and doing a crossword. Not everyone is the same.

Having children is great. If you hate it so much, why did you bother?

I live on my own and am on annual leave at the minute. I bought a bike and it's been an absolute lifesaver. It gets me out of the house and I'm getting fitter.

Ok @MissBax you would love to swap with me? Loads of time for movies in bed oh and infertility so not able to have kids. Does that sound wonderful to you? Like I said all the lie in’s you want! And it’s definitely not lonely and the days incredibly long. I would cut my right hand off to be pregnant with my second.

Aw, bless you. It's not a competition and your friends could have been a lot more supportive.
If you were my friend I'd set up Skype with you and chat for hours.
Sorry you are struggling OP, you have my sympathy, it must be hard on your own, tbh, I'd be beside myself. (obviously, nobody else would be)

Yanbu
I've been single and childless and now have two and tbh as hard as they can be I'm finding young kids to be a welcome distraction and providing me company. I'd have definitely found the lonliness would have made this harder in my single days so you have all my 💐💐💐.

I’m sorry your friends are so thoughtless op.

Our dc are 11 and 14 and I think it’s far easier having them about.

Have you looked into online versions of things that you normally do? There are some great fitness workouts if that’s your thing, or recipes (if you can get the ingredients!). Are you able to volunteer in your area or are you still working?

xx

@JosieJosie1 But having kids is the worst and hardest and most awful thing in the universe! Don't you realise how lucky you are????

They might be seriously struggling too op, for different reasons, for reasons you know nothing about. They might not be able to support you right now, or be able to understand your concerns. If they're usually nice friends I'd try not to judge them for it, these are difficult times for many.

@MissBax sorry for moaning there. I didn’t realise only you were allowed to moan and all your friends without kids should pretend they are totally fine to accommodate your delusions of what your life would be like right now without children.