I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

oh OP loneliness is awful , im so sorry your feeling down , im shielding but im so happy im with my husband and 3 kids , id be so sad all a lone your position is much harder ... your friends are being mean .. reach out to other friends or on your local facebook help page and ask if theres anyone with the time to have a phone call etc theres loads of people in your situation , my dad included its really shit , ive been calling him twice a day and putting the children on the phone too .. sending huge hugs ! also as your a nanny cant you isolate for a week and move in with me ? (grin) x

YANBU but neither are they. Maybe they were just trying to show some solidarity with you, albeit not very well

YANBU OP. The family and friends that I feel most concerned about at the moment are those who are completely alone day after day.All of them are very sociable people and they are finding it hard.

It depends how you are as a person really. I'm all alone at home and I absolutely love it. I never feel lonely.
My DS is an adult now and doesn't live close and all my relatives live 200 miles away.

YANBU - I’m childfree so I’m glad I don’t have kids during this obviously but my childless friends would do anything to have children during this. And people saying ‘I’m sick of my friends without kids whinging when they can sleep all day’ etc are really upsetting for them because they would do anything to have to deal with tantrums and homeschooling all day. Some of them are facing a life without children now because of their age/things on hold to help them have children etc.

Everyone has their own troubles and worries but just because you believe you have it harder doesn’t make it ok to invalidate other people’s worries. Whatever you are going through is the worst situation to you because you’re the one going through it but someone else’s situation is the worst situation to them because they’re going through it.

OP, i have several friends that are living alone and I can only imagine how quite it is for them.

They are usually very busy with careers, sports and social lives. It is a huge shock for them.

@MissBax Do you really have so little empathy that you cannot see that being by yourself for 3 weeks is hugely challenging for many people?

Sorry you’re struggling, OP. We have just one toddler and are both still WFH and to be honest, it’s making the time go quicker. A friend of mine has been furloughed, she doesn’t have children and her relationship is breaking down (and was before lockdown) I think she has it worse than me. At least when I get to log on, I can chat to work colleagues and bury my head in my job for a few hours. I feel very fortunate.

for you

I’m sorry they weren’t more sympathetic OP.

Unfortunately it seems to be a race to the bottom of competitive misery at the moment for some people.

Are you getting out for your daily exercise?

I think we are all struggling

There is a type of person who’s struggles will always be worse than others regardless of their situation

I have my own struggles with our situation and have to admit those going on about home schooling AND telling me they would rather work I’m lucky I don’t have to does get my back up

I think it’s really hard being on your own at them moment even if you are someone who needs lots of time alone there is no choice in the matter and that is what’s difficult

It’s not forever it will soon pass

One of the hardest things must be being on your own during this period. I have three other people in my house (older children and DH) and we come together and go apart as and when we want. If I need a hug I go and find one. The people that I know who are struggling are those who are on their own. Loneliness is an unspoken of suffering. Are you in any kind of group, like a craft group, or a bookclub that could meet up via Zoom? Have you tried your local facebook community page? Many are springing up and are offering support to people who are struggling. Also, try your local council as I know ours has helplines for people who need support and support may indeed mean 'I need to speak to someone'.

It is tough being with small kids, but I think it is probably much tougher being on your own.

I have noticed this. I do have kids but I'm also massively struggling with my MH but the constant response is "everyone's in the same boat". It's not entirely helpful.

Please don't be afraid to reach out for support.

also i hate this someones got it worse attitude etc , some of my freinds apologise to me when they say they feel poorly as im poorly almost every day and have been for over a year with a stomach condition that im waiting for an op for , i always say dont be so silly! its all relative just because im chronically ill doesn't mean your headache is any less shit for you ifykwim ! x just because there busy with kids doesn't make your loneliness any easier !

Wtf?! You all need to chill out. I said to OP she has every right to feel down as its all relative. But if 4 of her friends have all said the same then maybe it is HER who isn't being very sympathetic to them.
I have only examples that I have experienced of specific people texting me moaning about how bored they are whilst they post all over social media of them seemingly relaxing and making the most of their time off. I haven't at any point said I'd rather swap lives with someone who is infertile or wishing I didn't have children. Jesus.

YANBU. These people are not your friends. Friends would be supportive when you tell them you are struggling something, not give you a load of bullshit.

I understand how you feel. I imagine those who are saying they dream of a day without the kids are still imagining having their partner around, or are just thinking of what they’d do with a few days without them. They’re not thinking of spending weeks without seeing or touching another human. I live alone in a small flat with no garden and I’m finding the days without any social contact very difficult and there’s only so long you can sit watching TV/ reading etc before becoming bored and wishing for something to break up the days.

I am fortunate that I’m still able to go out to work some days (I teach children at a specialist residential school) and that whilst I’m there the nature of the job means I’m in physical contact with other humans. I can only imagine how much harder it is if you are potentially going to be spending weeks alone with nothing to break up the days.

On the days where I’m not working I’m finding video chats etc with friends help and also setting up WhatsApp groups etc - even just sharing photos etc can break up the monotony. Get out of the house where you can to go for walks. I try and have some sort of routine and to look at the jobs I have to do over a few days and try and spread them out so I have something productive to do each day.

I can’t tell you what all (most!) of these messages mean. I’m having a proper read through them all (and a little cry!) and taking note of all the ideas!

I’m so sorry other people are also struggling, this sucks doesn’t it!

I’m going out on a daily walk but seeing v few people around (I live in N London in a busy area so the quiet everywhere is so strange). I’m finding myself desperate to see someone just to say hi too!

The friends who have said it are normally quite lovely so theyre clearly just Projecting rather then being unpleasant and I think I’m just projecting my feelings onto them!

I am so glad I posted and again, I’m so sorry so many are also struggling (however you’re struggling!)

MissBax I stay in bed for as long as I can because I have nothing to do, I go for a walk alone and come back to my empty house alone, the radio or tv doesn’t fill my house with noise, it’s a deafening silence. I would cut my right hand off for a screaming toddler, someone to come home to me, someone else’s mess to clean up I appreciate where you’re coming from and I’m so sorry you’re struggling but it hurts. There’s no getting away from it, it hurts that I feel so desperately lonely

@Fromthebirdsnest I agree, if you’re not allowed to complain because someone’s got it worse, no one would ever be able to complain!

@MissBax you're the one who needs to chill out. When everyone is telling you the same thing, maybe they have a point?

@MissBax I do not use social media to say how I am really feeling. So you might see a nice photo of me with my kids. But when I actually talk to friends I do say how I am feeling.
I am so so glad I am not alone. I am so sorry OP you are. I too would find it very tough.

But I'm sick of my friends without kids moaning to me

Sorry, @MissBax we forgot how terribly difficult everything is for you and only you. Poor lamb. You’re the only person who is allowed to struggle at the moment. No one else.

What a martyr.

You are clearly not a friend to them if that’s your attitude.

@MissBax are you for real? Your friends are ‘seemingly’ having a relaxing time. They actually TOLD you they are having a hard time. And you’re so self obsessed that you can’t muster up even a tiny bit of empathy.

Crappy responses from your friends.

Sorry you’re struggling. What do you enioy doing normally, or fancy trying that could be done from home? Anyone with no or much older DC you could catch up with online?

But I'm sick of my friends without kids moaning to me

Have you thought of saying “I’m sorry you’re finding it tough, do you want to talk about it?”

YANBU

I have a toddler. I am so thankful for that right now.
I also have a DH at home.
I am very lucky

I have friends who are single with no kids and they’ve been on the phone in tears.
I have friends who are married with no kids and they are finding it just as hard

Right now I can’t complain.

I’m worried as I’m pregnant but if I ignore the worry I would really have nothing to moan about right now