I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

Op I’m so sorry you are struggling. I did full isolation alone for a week and it was horrible. I’m fortunate to have come to stay with family. I am dreading if things ease and I have to move back alone and further lockdown later in the year. I would be wfh but it just doesn’t cut it.

If you don’t get volunteering and the lockdown is extended could you talk to your employer about varying your contract so you can work - maybe explore babysitting for key workers.

Op .. sorry your friends don’t get it. I have dc with sn’s . He is much more relaxed so he is easier. I am also a cm. I had 2 weeks I wasn’t able to work it was really tough without my normal day to day activities.

If it helps any I found my best days the days I actually treated it like a holiday . Lay in the sun reading a book, drank more than normal 😳. The days o tried to catch up on things I needed to do felt low .

Also do you have access to online courses . I did a few occupied my mind.

It’s difficult for everyone 💐

YANBU

I'm making a point of keeping on touch with friends. I'm still working but realise some aren't. One a man is alone so I especially keep in touch with him. He prefers messages and can chat ages like this.

People should empathise with you.

Its differently difficult for lots of people. Sometimes the trick is to find someone in the same boat and have a good moan together.

They lack empathy. We can’t all compare struggles. Just because someone else thinks they have it harder doesn’t mean you don’t have it hard. They’d probably fall apart if someone said “Oh yeah, try being homeless with kids then.”

Sorry you. I think it’s got to be very difficult for anyone living alone.

YANBU. At least having kids, they have company. There are people stuck alone in their house for weeks on end. I'm not saying one has it harder more than the other, it's just that many people are struggling with this.

As much of a struggle as it is though, we could be in a much worse position. We could be front like doctors and nurses, seeing the horrors of people dying in front of us. We could have they fear of every day bringing back a potentially fatal virus to our families. I guess we all just need to think of the positives of our own situation.

@IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece hi, I recognise you from waaay back

I think everyone is looking over the fence and seeing greener grass at the moment. I know I've nearly fallen into that trap, talking to child-free friends. That's not to say I think you have it easy - I know I would be struggling in your position, particularly if people just casually minimised my feelings when I reached out for help.

Could you maybe get into online fitness? I find this helps lift my mood and passes the day(40 min workout/shower/getting dressed)
I also agree listening to the radio is great(I enjoy Radio 2 and Jeremy Vine is quite interesting and helpful to listen to right now)
Failing that lots of tv series and wine!! Ha
This weather is also great so maybe walking would be good as you will probably see other people and can even have a chat at a safe distance...Sunbathing/Gardening
Take care and I do feel for you.

I'm really sorry you are struggling OP, but your friends probably are too.
We are all going through a completely unprecedented horrific time right now full of anxiety and worry.
I'm usually the "go to" person of my friendship group to offer advice/ help etc but even I dont feel I'm up to that right now. I just feel too on edge, jittery and worried. I probably am giving my friends the same feeling as your friend, that I dont care, but its not that. I just dont have the emotional resources right now to hand hold someone else when I'm feeling completely bereft of comfort myself.

I think it’s tough for all of us, in different ways and as others have said we shouldn’t get into a competition about who is having the most miserable time.

I really suggest trying to find som volunteering to do, although I do have a DH and DS at home I am really grateful for the opportunity to do some volunteering, to meet different people and just to feel that I am doing something ‘useful’ at this time.

I hate this attitude too, we desperately tried for a child for 3 years and it hurts to hear people say how sick of their kids they are when we would nothing more to have a little person here, to have a chance to home school. I'm sure it's very hard when you're not used to it but it's scary how many parents don't actually want to parent.

YANBU OP, watched the news earlier when they spoke to a lady living on her own and I felt so sad for her .

I’m stuck in with 2 teens (both autistic), it’s not easy but I wouldn’t be without them, without them I would struggle, he’s they spend a lot of time in their rooms but my day is planned around them, making sure they are fed, reminding them to wash and brush their teeth, baking with them and trying to do a bit of school work, yes some of it’s tedious but I would rather that than be alone.

I feel for you OP, your friends should be offering support over the phone instead of trying to make out they are worse off than you.

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP . It is insensitive of your friends to say that, I am finding it hard with DS, but so are my friends who are on their own; we are all finding it hard I think for different reasons, all equal and all valid.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. Everyone feels things differently and has different situations to deal with. It's not a competition and you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do.

I am sorry OP, I hope things get better soon.

I can only imagine how lonely it is. My sister is single and lives alone, she has said the same too. Sometimes we do think what a life it would be to have some time alone, but 24/7 in these uncertain times is not something I would call luck.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. Will do my best to respond promptly. Anything on your mind or general chit chat x big hugs x

*@LoveIsLovely my response wasn't PA.

YANBU. I have a friend in a similar situation to you and it's her I check in on more than anyone else. What your friends have said is incredibly insensitive.

I find it so frustrating when people feel that someone else's struggle negates their own. This is a hard situation for everyone and we'll all experience it in very different ways and we all need to practice empathy and listening.

Op I'm so sorry you are on your own, my mums in the same position as you all alone, I drop shopping on her door step and text her as she's Vaunerable it's killing us not to hug each other or for her to see my 14 week old, she used to spend a day a week at ours for cuddles and a chat.

It's so hard on your own and I hope to what ever higher being there may be that this ends soon!

But I'm sick of my friends without kids moaning to me

Don't worry, I'm sure they won't be doing so for long because with your attitude and lack of empathy and respect I'm sure they are reconsidering their friendship with you.

Sorry you are struggling @IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece

I think everyone is struggling - I get being on own is hard and not seeing anyone or speaking to anyone

Equally you know how much I love Baby /toddler blondes but she is demanding at the moment Due to being in the 4 walls and not her usual activities

Would love some peace lol And read a book in the garden with a large gin 😂 but obv not all the time

Can you do any online courses ?

If a member of childcare they do some free ones on there

Think you can earn money when furloughed if diff hours would as a day nanny you could work evenings or nights

FaceTime people. Always welcome to ft me and miss stroppy 😂

Sorry friends aren’t more supportive 💐

I have 3DC and I have been making a point to call my single friends and family frequently as I know they must be struggling and if they don't feel like talking they don't have to pick up 😁 we definitely all have our own struggles I think like one of the first posters surgested join some group video chats etc might be good join online forums about things you are interested in maybe? When I was living alone I loved my online social life! Kept me going for a decade or more... good old MSN messenger 😁

If a friend just text me 'lockdown is hard' I might respond 'haha try it with kids!' in a casual way of speaking but I wouldn't mean their problem was less, it would likely be a projection of how hard I was finding it.

You might mean it as a joke, but as a childless women what it would say to me is that you think that my feelings and experience are less important than yours.

Some people are finding this simple and even nice. Others are struggling. If a friend with children rung me up (as they have) and said they were struggling with the kids, with homeschooling or whatever then as a friend I'd listen. That's what friends do. I'd expect them to do the same to me when I've rung to say how lonely and stressed I've been nit seeing my partner for weeks, trying to keep two elderly relatives healthy and alive, one of whom has cancer.

@missbax you are allowed to admit you're struggling to them. It doesn't mean their or your experience is less, just different. So be a friend and they will too.

Yanbu at all. I have several friends who live completely alone and they all checked in with me at the start of this and we are now in much more regular contact than before. Even though my kids are driving me up the wall ATM (and they really fucking are, make no mistake) at least they are other humans and they're here. Right now, that is a massive bonus.

I mean, I miss my wider family desperately. I miss my friends greatly. That side of things is really really difficult and I feel it acutely, and I do actually have other people in my house to take the edge off things.

What your friends said was insensitive. Nobody is having an easy time.

You're not being unreasonable at all. I'm doing this on my own too. None of my friends or family members are, some have kids, some don't but all of them have family or flatmates or a partner there. And I know a lot of them are being driven to distraction by each other and I do appreciate I'm not dealing with that. I'm also fine with my own company, have tons to catch up on the telly, stuff do do round the house etc but the lack of human contact is shocking. I'm doing phone calls, skype, zoom etc but a lot of it just ends up highlighting I'm own my own and I'm finding it harder to do. I do have a partner but they're miles away in a remote area but with other people so even our conversations feel odd!

In the last three weeks not one person has asked if I'm OK on my own. No doubt I'd say I was fine, like you do, but I'm not really.