I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

YANBU at all, OP, I always think that it must be really tough for people living on their own. I haven't been well, I've had what's almost certainly COVID-19 (untested), and sometimes I wish I was on my own, when my 2 DDs (11 and 8) are bickering and my DH is struggling to cope, but in reality it's so reassuring to hear sounds of normal family life going on downstairs.

It's so hard on all of us right now, in different ways, and I'm sorry your friends aren't being supportive. It's not a competition and we should feel able to share how we're feeling with close friends and family without being made to feel that we're being unreasonable for finding it tough.

I actually find Mumsnet very helpful in that way, there's almost always someone who is feeling exactly like we are. (Or not feeling exactly the same, but who is able to empathise.)

YANBU it's my dc who are getting me through. Yes it's a nightmare when they fight and they make such a mess but it's company and giving me a reason to get out of bed each day, keep some sort of routine and cook proper meals. I know I wouldn't do that just for my self. We have a lot of fun together. Come chat to us on mumsnet when you're fed up. I know it's not the same but happy to listen if you need a whinge etc

@Mittens030869 I’ve been ill for three weeks with covid. It’s shit isn’t it. Hasn’t stopped my teenage dd’s being rude to me from my bedroom door at times either! It has upset me but as you say, in a way, it’s comforting to know family life continues regardless!

Op, being on your own must be really tough. I’ve found three weeks isolation very hard but I still get my dh bringing me food and my youngest dc writing me little messages and leaving them at my door. Flowers for you

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. My hands are full and busy with my kids and dh is WFH. I shop for my elderly neighbour and Skype my parents most days. I work pt from home when the kids are in bed. My friends have to get on and support themselves much in the way I have to. Perhaps you could find hobbies, set a routine, write a book, cook, paint, read? Get Netflix. There are plenty of things you can do.

@IpanemaGallina yes it is shit, I'm sorry you're going through it too. Hope you recover soon.

It's now 5 weeks for me, I'm on the mend but I've had a couple of secondary infections. I think for me, the loneliest moment was when it was our 17th wedding anniversary and my DH and I couldn't cuddle up in bed and laugh at Basil Fawlty together.

I think that in many ways it's harder for our DDs. They understand why we're having to stay away from other people but DD1 is missing having the opportunity to see at least one of their Grandmas and DD2 is really missing her friends. It feels a long time for children as well.

It's so hard for some people to put themselves in another person's shoes.

yes it is mad trying to survive lock down with a bunch of kids, especially if you are a working parent and not use to having your kids around 24/7 but what families don't understand is how painful it can be for someone alone (mainly because most mum's are desperate for a bit of peace and quiet and think you have it all) but they just don't get how it feels to be in your position. I actually think you have it tougher!

I'm a single mum with 2 kids, im actually enjoying lock down - my kids aren't stressed and we can just do what we like doing - being in the garden all day. I have it easy I guess.

But with kids at least you are kept busy and can chat. Most people just don't get that people need that until they don't have it, especially if you are a very social person. My mum is not a people person, she likes her own company and before lock down didn't have friends at all or go out other than to buy things. Since lock down she has been going up the walls! She didn't realise how seeing the kids most days kept her sane. We talk on the phone everyday sometimes for hours, not because I need to but because she does. Me and my sister on the phone are all she has at the moment and it's been life changing. We've never been that close but actually this lock down thing has put a distance between us that has brought us close and changed things for the better. I really cant wait to be able to see here and hug her (we don't ever hug).

You are totally not being unreasonable. I get that your friends are busy with their own situations but they are completely dismissing yours and that's not ok. I'm a shy person who likes me at home and cant hack a busy schedule so this is fine for me but I have extrovert friends that are always crazy busy, go, go go types with crowds of friends all over the place and they are going stir crazy. What is healing my mental health is seriously damaging theirs. But I get it - people are different and need different things my calm is their chaos and their busy is my hell. Your friends to understand that you aren't ok - there is a reason prisoners get put in solitary confinement - it's torture and punishment! it was as a way to break people and send them mad. Which is what you are experiencing.

Have you tried joining some online social groups? There are lots of people in your situation and they do online video meals together, online happy hour... might help to ease the hell and make some new friends that are more understanding.

Everyone is different. I have one 17 month old DC and think I would find it easier on my own as I am a massive introvert, he's driving me a bit insane and I love my own company. My brother is self isolating on his own and is massively struggling. He suffers with depression and would probably be so much better if my son was with him. We are all different. Kids are all different. There's no right or wrong. You definitely aren't BU. When this all comes to an end you will appreciate that human contact so much more. Stay safe OP x

I’m at home, working from home and (from Weds) trying to hone school the kids. DH is also based at home. It’s chaos here but the days are passing quickly and we are enjoying spending time together.

My best friend is a single guy, living in a flat by himself. He works in a very sociable job and is finding this so hard. I am making sure I speak to him or text every day. Your friends sound a bit mean.

Can you find some things to keep yourself busy? Maybe get involved in some community volunteering?

Take care. And when this is all over, find some better friends!

I have 3 kids and you are not being unreasonable. There are times when I just need some space from the constant demands and noise but have to remind myself the alternative is to have no one and feel lonely. I feel grateful to have them even though it’s tipping me over the edge sometimes. Sending big hugs. This is really tough for everyone. Keep phoning people as much as you can to stay connected.

Hi op. Im the same, i live alone, single no children or garden & its tough. Dont think some realise what true isolation can feel like. But i make sure i go out on my bike or try to run/walk every day, ive bumped into people i know doing the same, and we've stopped at a safe distance and chatted, ive ditched my car to save petrol so when i need food i walk with a rucksack, as it kills time. Do a few exercises at home each day..with the radio on. Message & call friends, beware of too much fbook, as there is a lot of nasty/judgmental people on there bringing you down. Do jobs youve ignored for ages. Selling unwanted clothes on ebay. I have had a few down days but you get through it. It wont last forever. Sending a hug.

Hi. Think you. Now is the time to think about you. Now is the time to review your past, consider your present, and cream of your future. Think you. Why not do the things possible at home, which you have not done, because you have always been occupied with looking after some one. Think you. What was it you liked to do when you were you, when you were a small child?When you were at school?When you were growing up?
What is in your memories that brought happiness?
Think you and take this chance to review your past, your presence and your future. Put your thoughts into words and write them down in your personal life experience book.
Experiment with your cooking. Grow indoor plants, take up origami, do things that give your pleasure, which can be done in the solitude of your home. Then share what you like with with old friends, or new friends.
Love and best wishes.

I’m at home with DH, DS aged 10 and DD aged 6, DD has Autism and learning difficulties and DS is awaiting Autism assessment although we already know he has it too (albeit higher functioning than DD. DD is struggling massively with change in routine. We have good days and bad days.

BUT we are together, DH and I were just the other day saying how difficult it must be to be alone and I mentioned exactly what you have about human touch, not in a sexual way but simply a hug or even being out and about when you accidentally brush past someone - stuff like that, it sounds silly but I totally get where you are coming from. It isn’t a case of one-upmanship of who is struggling the most so I’m sorry your friends haven’t been more supportive.

Do you have family you can FaceTime or other friends you can chat to?
Sorry I don’t have any other advice, hopefully someone else in here will be able to direct you to something else to help

It’s as much about purpose as it is about company. If you have kids you have a purpose every day (boring as it is) - feed them, wash them, clean up after them. Etc.
Something worthwhile to do will really help you. If you are young and healthy, sign up for NHS volunteers. Also, your local council - if it’s well organised like ours is - may also have a volunteer force you can sign up for. The tasks include fetching medicine for people and getting shopping, but also things you can do remotely like phoning up elderly people on their own, or training them in basic digital skills like email or online shopping. One other alternative is the food banks - they need a lot of people to help deliver food parcels to people in need.

You are absolutely not unreasonable and I wish I could give you a hug. I have two DC and although they drive me round the twist at times and am used to my own company, my MIL is the one struggling most with this as she’s alone. It’s crippling her mood and she’s getting more down by the day in spite of phone calls, food parcel drops etc. I would have moved her in with us but she’s in the at risk category and my DH is an essential worker so the risk is just too great that he might bring something back. Please don’t feel guilty for reaching out. It’s times like this if I knew a friend was struggling I’d make time to keep in touch. Loneliness is one of the hardest parts of this. And it’s really unfair of friends to compare. Everyone’s situation is different and our mental health is affected in different ways! Are there any local volunteering groups you could get in touch with eg befriending? Might help put you in touch with someone else who could do with a chat and a phone call!

I empathise with what you are saying. Nothing is bothering me more than the loss of physical contact - the last time I touched another person was three weeks ago. With everything else I can find ways to meet whatever needs I have and try be positive rather than simply frustrated.

I had never imagine how important human touch was in my life and how the lack of something as simple as a hug would play with my mental health so heavily.

YANBU. People who live with their family, or even one other person, do not comprehend what it is to be at home alone. I'm a loner by nature, but there are now days when I see no-one, speak to no-one.

It's better now because people are in their gardens and we can chat at a distance. but at the start, going to work was a rare piece of normality and human connection for me (I'm v part time). And I at least have my cats.

I would also recommend live streams - there are loads of workouts you can do live with others, and lots of facebook groups that are uplifiting and include regular live streaming.

And as well as volunteering as a way of making human contact, I know our local help-group will have a volunteer contact you to chat by phone or skype if that is what you need, if you aren't in a place to volunteer yourself.

@Mittens030869 I agree it’s hard on the dc. Mine are old enough to understand but miss being with me and wider family/friends. Wishing you a full recovery

YANBU. I manage a team (key workers, but we can all WFH) and the people I’m most anxious about are the ones who are living alone in London shoeboxes. It’s hard and stressful for people who are homeschooling and trying to work, but I don’t have the sense that those people’s mental health is at risk in quite the same way.

@Thedogscollar -it feels so strange telling my shame to strangers. I never thought I would, it was my shame to take with me to my grave.

It was never your shame. It's your abuser who should be ashamed. You didn't cause this. It's not your fault. It's all his fault.

@IpanemaGallina

Thank you, and you too.

I actually think I really am on the mend now, finally.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. I am isolating with my two teenagers and husband. We have difficult moments but I'd struggle much more alone. Specially as you are not used to it. Your friends are a bit self involved but I am sure they mean no harm. People sometimes don't see beyond theyr own experiences. Keep reaching out to people online and go out for a walk in nature if you can. It helps. This will pass too

OP, how are you doing?

The news is talking about extensions, but also about schools going back and a point where this ends.

@Mittens030869 please can I pm you?

It is hard. I have my DC with my 24\7. I'm not used to that and neither are they. I'm used to kid free time. So I'm struggling. My sister teaches in EYFS so is used to the kids and noise. She is now in exactly the same boat as you as she is teaching from home. It is hard for everyone. Hugs coming your way even if they are only virtual xxx

@IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece I just found this thread and YADNBU.

I have both time alone and with my dc because of contact arrangements and definitely find the time alone harder. Though I’m finding both pretty awful!

As others have said it’s missing touch that’s really hard, and just casual interaction. I can also hear families bustling around me and it makes me feel more alone though I’m lucky where I live, and I know that.

I have also been really disillusioned with people and how judgy and dismissive they are about other people’s feelings. It’s certainly changed my view of the world and not for the better. Anyway, op, hope you’re doing ok and that this doesn’t last too much longer.