I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

YANBU. It much be much harder if you live alone. Having children definitely helps in a lockdown.

I think this situation is showing a lot of people in their true colours and whether they are good friends or not. I am sorry you are having a hard time and it’s a shame they are being crappy and not recognising the challenges you are facing. New friends maybe?

I have just started to engage less with a couple of friends of mine and to be honest don’t really see them as friends now ( despite being good friends for 30 years) My father has just passed away, but rather than message me and ask how I am they are just commenting on posts on fb my sister wrote, they are saying things like ‘ how tough it must be in this situation’ , um if you actually think that then why haven’t you sent me a lovely message or contacted me to see how I am. I would sincerely consider whether they are friends or people you hang out with.

I also second zoom, house party etc, get some virtual drinks in etc. Maybe some volunteering?

Big hugs, this won’t go on forever. Take care

Thedogscollar I'm very sorry. You have as much right to counselling as anyone so please do seek help for yourself. It's never too late to get support. It was a really brave thing to share on here

You are NOT being unreasonable!

My friend is in a similar situation, works a lot of hours normally very busy lots of people and hectic days. She lives alone and I can appreciate how much harder it is for her than for me with Husband and child. How mind numbing boring and hard to be alone all the time! Our days I know are going a lot quicker than hers because we have each other.
I've made a conscious effort to stay in 3 times daily contact, including dropping food and small gifts on her door step as I'm checking on elderly relatives because I know she is struggling.

Your friends may not appreciate how hard it is living alone in lockdown. If they are dear friends I would reach out and say..’your so lucky having family with you, I feel so alone, it's really hard’

What part of the country are you in? How long have you been in quarantine? X

I’m a nanny, I’m living with my vulnerable parents, between them they had 6-11 carers in each day, my brother and I decided that it was too risky for them.

I am struggling, as are my parents, we don’t have much to say to each other. Mum cannot talk and dad reads all day. It’s so dull.

I miss children and being busy. I miss hugs and cuddles and silly little chats.

I have a few nanny friends who are also not working who I whatsapp regularly and I have a few friends with children who I FaceTime. I also FaceTime my 3 year old niece every other day. All of which breaks up the monotony but is only half an hour or so here and there.

If you want a chat feel free to PM me. I’m sure we have a lot in common!

tenlittlecygnets and AnotherEmma Thank you both. I will see how I feel when all this is finally over. It feels so strange telling my shame to strangers. I never thought I would, it was my shame to take with me to my grave.
I just wish I could share it with my husband but I'm apprehensive of how he would react, not towards me as such but in general.
Anyway tomorrow is another day to keep busy filling up my headspace.
Thank you for being kind

I hate the competitive I'm having a worse time than you, everyone is struggling. This is not normal life for anyone, we are spending all our time alone or with the same 4 people, you can be surrounded by kids and a partner and still be horribly alone. I hope you feel better soon OP, be kind and stay safe x

I have five children. Two of them young adults, but still driving me mad at times because we are all under one roof and the oldest had LD so is immature for his age still. I am working from home.

I would not do well being in lockdown on my own. Having people here is what keeps me going. I have a lot of empathy for people living on their own right now. I know after a few days of that I would become depressed very fast.

People will struggle with this situation for many different reasons and everyone should understand that.

Sending love OP

I had an old friend message me and ask me how i am. Before I could even reply she launched into a 'woo houseful of kids, home schooling, running business from home, woo woo busy busy' tirade. I politely told her that I found it difficult talking to people in her situation, since I live alone, am single, have no children or family near, and am unemployed. People who have never lived alone have literally no clue what isolation is or does.

I really feel for you. Although it may be hard with kids (I have 2 and they are underfoot all the time) I would find it far harder to be alone at a time like this. Take a big virtual hug. YANBU!

YANBU.
Everyone finds this time difficult for different reasons but the loneliness must be just crushing right now
Even though it's tough some days with my children, but I'm great full for the noise in my house and garden I must admit.
Hope you find ways of connecting with people OP

A lack of empathy is always hard. Some people will find it hard and some not so but there are challenges for everyone. I am an introvert and my days are not that different but without my pets I would lonely. I do miss things but you have to just keep thinking it isn’t forever. I have been teaching myself to knit and am trying to make scrubs for the local hospital. There are lots of free online courses on offer. Being busy and treating yourself to reading a book etc helps break up the day. The NHS volunteers are looking for all sorts of helpers but think they have shut the list at the moment. I have an older single friend and she is struggling with the loss of her social life. Maybe ask when is a good time for friends to chat; sometimes our days are busy at different times. My friend loves a chat in the morning but for me it is easier later in the evening. Big hug x

I’m sorry you’re struggling! I feel the same. I’m in a family. Let’s not start having some kind of stand off about who is having it harder. We all have different stories. Try to have the humility that comparing and winning at suffering doesn’t improve anything for anyone.

Thedogscollar
Perhaps you will feel ok about telling your husband one day but you don't have to tell him soon or indeed ever.
You might find the Stately Homes thread helpful (just to read even if you don't want to post) and also the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward which you could read on a kindle (if you have one) if you don't want your husband to see a hard copy.

I'm at home alone. Too scared to go out (at risk, not high risk). No garden. No pets.
My mental health before this wasn't great . Right now it's in tatters . I have a sick mother hundreds of miles away. I have a child and grandchildren who I get an occasional video chat/phone call with.
Two of my friends have been amazing. One in the same situation as me and the other lockdown with her teenagers. Without that contact I think I'd be in psych ward at the moment .
If you are able to volunteer/work OP it sounds like a great option .
As for your friends, sometimes you have to be more direct or honest. If you really were honest and they were unhelpful please feel free to PM me. Sending hugs 💜

Ok so against all mumsnet rules I haven't RTFT. I'm sorry if this has been posted already, but if you are a nanny and they are having problems, why not offer to move in and help a family from your group of friends if they have room ? Both self isolate for 14 days first to make sure you are both ok . Then move in and help them ?

YNBU. Everyone is struggling in one way or another and it's unfair of them to try and turn it into a competition.

For what it's worth, I have a friend who is on her own and I check on her by WhatsApp every day because I'm aware it must be stressful and lonely for her.

The only thing I can say in their defence is that maybe they're really shit at giving sympathy and were try to make light of it? Isn't really much of a defence, I know.

Virtual hugs OP......I feel for anyone who lives alone right now. I think that must be extremely difficult. There are some great online clubs and hobbies out there so hope you find something you like. I know it's not the same but whatever gets you through the next few months and remember this isn't forever and you'll be back with those kids again soon. Stay strong

OP, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Im isolating with my husband and child. I'm working from home, busier than ever, and I've had some tough challenges. But I keep thinking how much harder isolation would be for me if I was a younger single woman living on my own or with flatmates. That's just for me - of course it may be different for others.

Your friends are sadly lacking in empathy. Please don't fall for the fallacy that if a lot of people must be saying it, it must be true. In this case, that is called victim-blaming and it's essentially bullshit.

All the best to you. I have no advice but I hear you, and I'm sure you'll always find good people to talk to on MN if you need support or to chase the loneliness blues away.

No Yanbu at all. I can't stand more than 2 days totally alone. People are innately social (even introverts).

Your friends clearly don't get it.

I honestly am not finding lockdown hard with 3 young children. I cannot imagine being on my own. Your friends don’t sound very supportive.

None of you are being unreasonable; you just each have something the other wants that's all.

You crave connection and family, they crave isolation and time to themselves.

There's no right or wrong here.

I think the problem at the minute is everyone's finding it hard in different ways and sometimes it's hard to see outside of your own situation.
A mum who isn't a key worker and is stuck trying to entertain her kids all day will find it hard, as will someone who lives alone and is having to deal with the never ending loneliness, as will an NHS worker who is still having to send their kids to school when they'd probably want nothing more than to keep them safe in doors.

It's such a new situation and so many people are struggling I think it's important to remember that everyone's struggle is equally valid.

I am so glad I have my kids with me - as hard as it is every day. I would go INSANE on my own - and if I was with someone I'd worry we'd turn on each other.

YANBU. I totally get it.

YANBU. Loneliness is difficult. Sorry you feel this way. I hope you find some nice understanding friends one this is over x