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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to let my children play in the garden?

360 replies

SlightlyHassled · 10/04/2020 10:07

Our neighbours have complained about the noise caused by my two boys in our garden. They are age 10 and 7.

They were playing very happily (Top Trumps, as it happens) at the end of the garden furthest away from the house (and the neighbours' house) while I was indoors. I heard one of the neighbours shout, 'Oi!' but since I didn't hear anything else, I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, one of the neighbours yelled my name, then the other did. As I was indoors, and my boys were still playing happily, I just ignored it. A few minutes later one of them came round to say we were too loud and they were unhappy about it. He said I was reading aloud to the children and that he and his wife could hear every word. (I had been reading aloud to my children in the same part of the garden earlier in the afternoon but I wasn't doing so at the point when they complained. I don't think I was doing so any louder than the volume you'd use for a normal conversation.)

I don't think the problem is really me reading to the children. I think the problem is general noise. They have complained to us before on a number occasions about our noisy children. They are retired and don't have grandchildren, and there aren't a lot of other children living near us, so ours are the ones making all the noise that they hear. We also home educate and our boys are around and outdoors in the daytime more than the average children. We do lots of our structured lessons in the garden, and the neighbours have previously said they don't have a problem with us doing "quiet learning" out there. We don't have a TV and don't use electronic devices much, so our children do a lot of playing outdoors. It's been a long-standing problem, though the neighbours have complained about noise from indoors too. (We are two halves of a semi with only a thin wall between, and we have very echoey acoustics in our kitchen, and an open-plan layout downstairs.)

There isn't any goodwill on their part because they think we don't care and do nothing. The wife told us once she should be able to read a book in her garden at 6pm without hearing our children. They wrote to us once complaining about the noise, and complaining that we never told our children to be quiet. For the next 3 days, I did nothing different from normal but I made a note of every time I asked the boys to be quieter because of the neighbours. I did so 35-40 times a day (!), and that was pretty typical of what I was doing before they complained. We wrote back to the neighbours explaining that, but never had a response.

They don't wake up until 8.30am, and when they complained about noise from the garden before that, we stopped letting the boys out of doors until after 9am, and stopped eating breakfast in the garden. When the neighbours complained about noise from indoors, we spent £500 on sound insulation boards to go against our party wall. Unfortunately when we put the first one up, DS1 and I had an allergic reaction to something in it, and we had to take it off the wall and throw them away. We did tell the neighbours about that.

With garden noise, we always bring the children indoors as soon as they start fighting or stropping or screaming. I understand that people don't want to listen to bickering from over the fence (something else the neighbours have complained about in the past).
My children aren't especially quiet, but I don't think they're especially noisy either. My parents are always telling me how much quieter they are than my brother's 4 boys, for example.

If they're not behaving in an antisocial manner, I think it's fine for my children to be playing in their own garden and that I shouldn't be constantly on their case to play indoors, or to play with hushed voices. AIBU?

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 13:28

*21 month old LOL what a typo imagine

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 13:29

Let your children play. Your neighbours will just have to put up with it.

Why? Why should they put up with it? Why shouldn't the op be considerate too? Why do children trump everyone else?

Penners99 · 10/04/2020 13:29

A South Yorks police officer has just told a family that the cannot play in their garden and must remain indoors!
Yeah, right. Jog on darlin!

Flixsfoilball · 10/04/2020 13:29

But if you felt the need to tell them 35-40 times in a day to take the noise down, surely that means the noise has crept up that many times - I can kind of see how this might be frustrating for your neighbours

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 13:32

For those you insisting that the OP is being unreasonable, how much children's mouse is acceptable in your view? We hear a lot about OPs being unreasonable but how much is acceptable?

And what about the BBQs and radio playing? Or is it only parents who are capable of being inconsiderate??

derxa · 10/04/2020 13:33

That was a couple of years ago when my youngest was having real issues with low frustration tolerance Screaming their head off then.

funinthesun19 · 10/04/2020 13:37

If those complainants were in their garden from 12h, cutting trees, music on all day, watching their TV outside, etc...people would scream they were being antisocial but when it is their darling children, everyone have to bow to them because they are innocent little darlings who can't help being annoying

If those things are done past a certain time then yes they are anti social. Otherwise go ahead! You don’t hear children playing in the garden at 1am do you?
My neighbour has his music on loud quite often and when he does yes I find it annoying. But it’s all par for the course of having neighbours. You have to deal with it or move house. Neighbours are going to make noise and I think people seem to be forgetting that. If it’s during the day there really is fuck all you can do about it because they’re doing nothing wrong, whether that’s children playing in the garden or a music on loud when the sun is out or drilling whilst they do home improvements.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2020 13:38

Why do children trump everyone else?

They don’t.

They do, however, have the right to act like perfectly normal children in their parents own property.

Other people don’t have a right to absolute silence in their outdoor space.

funinthesun19 · 10/04/2020 13:44

Why do children trump everyone else?

Oh yawn. Why do adults trump everyone else in that case?
For example, if an adult next door wants to do drilling all day they’re just going to go ahead and do it aren’t they whether their neighbours like it or not.

Why? Because they have the right to. Just like children have the right to play outside and make noise!

notacooldad · 10/04/2020 13:50

21 month old LOL what a typo imagine
I can actually. My nephew is like this at 27. He is severely autistic.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 13:51

I'm in agreement with Nekoness's post. Your children are in the garden a great deal of the time and perhaps you have tuned out a little. It does sound like it to me.

I do think that your neighbours are entitled to some quiet time in the garden and there's no reason for your children to be out in your garden for most of the day (if that's what the situation is).

Have you ever had a conversation with your neighbours to get to the bottom of it/explain? I wouldn't let this go unchecked because it can really escalate beyond anything anybody could anticipate.

Some of the responses on this thread tell me why there are programmes dedicated to 'horrible neighbours'. Two sides and all that but, ugh.

emmathedilemma · 10/04/2020 13:51

I would start posting adverts for very remote houses through their letterbox!

Shopkinsdoll · 10/04/2020 13:53

Let them play but make sure they aren’t doing the high pitch scream

LonesomeRange · 10/04/2020 13:53

Some neighbours are such Victor Meldrews. One neighbour complained because they can hear my car pulling onto the drive and can hear me putting it into the garage. The other complained that my garden is full of weeds and they creep under the fence into her garden and that is where all her weeds come from. Honestly, there are hardly any weeds in my garden and it is kept immaculate.

LonesomeRange · 10/04/2020 13:57

If you don't want to hear your neighbours noise then save more money and move to a detached house on the side of farmland. Honestly, I have to listen to drilling, power washing, mowing all day every day. My elderly neighbours have their friends round all the time in the summer chatting away till the early hours. If they ever have a problem with my DC's noise they can F'off.

TatianaBis · 10/04/2020 13:57

I’ve no idea how noisy your kids are OP. Back in the 70s we were taught not to scream and shout in the garden and to consider other people. That doesn’t seem to be a thing now. Kids are just left to scream without comment or any awareness that it might be annoying.

We have kids on both sides who make a lot of noise. My 15 year old son recently said ‘now I understand why you always insisted we didn’t shout in the garden’.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 13:57

emmathedilemma, I expect you would.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 13:58

TatianaBis, we were the same. You didn't shout in the garden because of the neighbours. It didn't stop us playing, just the shouting/screaming.

beethecrackon24995 · 10/04/2020 14:03

You sound nice op but tbh I am pleased i don't live next door to you. Your reading books to them in the garden alone would drive me nuts. Not every one is enamoured with listening to other people's kids and i don't give a shit how that makes me sound 😊

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2020 14:04

Your reading books to them in the garden alone would drive me nuts.

Once again, why?

Do people having conversations in their garden also drive you nuts?

olivehater · 10/04/2020 14:11

My three noisy kids have been in the garden loads and the neighbours, all retired, are fine about it. However I try to have time indoors as well. Also there is a dffeeence between kids jumping a round, pottering and the occasional squabble or boisterous game and a long monologue of teaching, reading and lessons. That sort of thing should really be done indoors and would really grate on me. Just aim for a few hours each day of activities indoors for a bit of balance.

Notnownotneverever · 10/04/2020 14:13

I think this is actually a tricky one. You mentioned that you home school so I imagine your family do actually disturb the peace and quiet of the garden a lot and that your neighbours get no respite from this. My own neighbours are frustrating noisy in their garden and I can hear every word of their conversations including book reading aloud, etc. Are they doing anything wrong, no. Is it really frustrating as someone looking for a quiet hour or so in the garden, yes.
Most people would get times without neighbours due to work or school so you can just say whatever and get on with it. Could you possibly say we will have two hours schooling instead every weekday morning or afternoon just to take turns as it were so they know they will get some quiet time? I don’t even think you necessarily have to arrange this with them but just start doing this yourself.
Of course ultimately you don’t have to chance anything and they have to suck it up. But I do have sympathy for them if you are around all the time.

HazelBite · 10/04/2020 14:15

If the OP's neighbours can hear every word of the story that the OP was reading suggests to me that she too is very loud and therefore does not appreciate how loud her Dc's are.
Do the OP's Dc's have any activities where they sit quietly?
If they have no TV or screens I probably doubt it (no criticism intended btw)
If neighbours both sides have commented I would be squirming with embarrassment as the Op seems to have little awareness about how loud and how often they are loud her family is.

Notnownotneverever · 10/04/2020 14:15

*inside not instead

Wakaranaihito · 10/04/2020 14:16

Surprise them - go postal. Tear them off a strip and see what happens. Best outcome - they will ignore you forever.

If they are self-isolating I'd start with: I am happy to help you with whatever chores you might need doing but I am not going to tell my children to come inside or to whisper in their own home.

How very dare you etc etc. If there is no pleasing them you have lost nothing.