To have another baby when this is all over?

[Wineandcakequeen]

I’ve name changed as my friends and family are on here and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it yet, so...
Is there anyone else thinking of having another baby when this is all over as a ‘life is too short’ decision when they may have felt done before now/couldn’t for various reasons?
I’ve wanted another baby for 8 years but I have been single all that time and actually found my ex husband cheating whilst we had been ttc, so my baby days were cut short not by choice. I considered all my options and went down the sperm donation route last year. My first donation didn’t work and it hit me as I was taking the pregnancy test that maybe I was making a mistake. I have two children nearing the teenage years and I felt that I was being selfish bringing a new baby into the mix, particularly without a father. I was gutted the test was negative but relieved at the same time.
Since the corona situation has kicked off its made me look at life in a different way and I feel like I should go for what I want regardless of the negatives because life really is too short. I’m late 30s now and time is running out to decide. I haven’t met anyone in 8 years so chances of that happening in my remaining child bearing time is low. It’s a now (after lockdown) or never for me.
My only hold backs are giving my children less time as there wouldn’t be a father to pass the baby to and of course raising a baby alone on purpose has many negatives. My family won’t be supportive as they don’t agree with donations/surrogacy/adoption etc etc. I keep holding myself back feeling the negatives outweigh the positives but if I continue to then I may regret not going for it.
I mentioned it briefly to a friend by text who said it’s the boredom of lockdown and my baby hormones as my last opportunity is coming up. It made me feel defensive.
I’m interested to see how many ladies could be feeling the same and plan to go for it when they can or if you agree that it is just a hormonal/overthinking thing and shouldn’t happen.

It is totally your choice. Though your clock ticking will make the idea seem better.
Can you afford it? Are your teens settled?

It's your body and your choice. However I would speak to your other children about it.

My DP and I are of the other opinion. We would both like another child in the future but we are not going to rush into anything until we know the aftermath of coronavirus. The aftermath may go on for quite a few years.

Can your wage handle three children? Should the worst happen, what’s the back up plan? Will the near teens want a new baby in their lives when they will have important exams, hormones etc to deal with? It will have a huge impact on their lives. I can see why your friend had reservations.

No you shouldn't. This is about your "need" to have a child - one without a father at that.
Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should

Thanks, yes money isn’t an issue and we have the space and good size car already. My dds are very close and I wouldn’t like a new baby to come between them or change the dynamic too much, not to mention the ‘three is a crowd’ worry and huge age gaps (they’re 11 and 10). They don’t see their dad (his choice). If I wasn’t single I wouldn’t be having these thoughts I would have just gone for it if my partner wanted to so I think a lot of the holdback is down to doing it alone (not a problem for me but may be for my children) and needing a donor (unknown dad with no male role model) but I still can’t shake the feeling.

I agree but realistically doesn’t every couple/person who has a baby chose to do it for their own need? Even those with multiple children sometimes go on to have more. No one needs children we just want them.

Could this be an evolutionary, 'selfish gene' thing?

'Life is short' = you're worried about your genes not making it into the future now with the current threat, so subconsciously you want to maximise your chances by having more children?

It's understandable, but perhaps not rational to act on it. After all, if life is short - and hard and anxiety inducing and full of the possibility of horrid death - is it really the right time to bring more lives into it?

I say go for it. You’re in a good financial position and honestly, siblings almost always take well to a new baby in the house provided there isn’t like ten children already with parents who can’t cope . Three isn’t a huge amount of children, I really don’t see an issue with this.

I feel like I should go for what I want regardless of the negatives

I'm sure your children - actual and potential - would rather you put a bit more thought into it.

Be grateful for what you already have and look ahead to a new chapter in your life.

Different circumstances but similar yearning for a 3rd child. However I am putting the needs of my existing children above my wants. You will be lacking in support as you acknowledge, this baby will never have the option of knowing it’s father. Your older children are reaching a time in their development where they need your attention and time. Having a baby with no wider support will be a massive barrier to that.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but considering those circumstances how can you do that to your girls?

Bear in mind that the crying won't just keep you up, it'll keep your daughters awake too. It could very well affect their secondary education.

Thanks it’s good to hear things rationally. I heard over the years it could be related to the fact I didn’t chose to stop having children myself, my ex husband ended that chapter for me. I’m open to criticism and I can understand that being a factor, it would make sense, but if that was the reason I wouldn’t still feel like this 8 years on. I’ve raised my girls completely alone and I’m in a better position than some couples.

I’ve put 8 years of thought into it thank you for your concern, if I hadn’t I would have ignored all the possible negatives.

It’s funny how people all see things so differently....Lockdown has made me think that the world is an awfully frightening place to bring more children into.

Did the feeling eventually pass Keeva or do you ever still wonder?
I’m scared of being bitter and resentful in my later years regretting things I never done. Of course my girls are my world and the best thing I’ve ever done in my life so surely it’s natural to want to experience it again.

If you were my daughter I’d be asking why the existing children weren’t enough for you? They may also feel that if you go ahead.

What if three still doesn’t satisfy you, will you go for a fourth, fifth?

It’s all about your wants, not what might be best for the existing children or new child.

You say you have the money now, but what about in 8 years time, when your eldest are going to uni, wanting to learn to drive etc...

Is your job totally secure? What if you became ill? I think it's easy to see life with a baby with rose tinted glasses, I think if anything this should teach us is that life can be thrown out of quilt very easily. Would it be fair on your eldest and youngest?

Besides feeling broody, which is normal and something you can get over quickly, is there a good reason to have another child?

I can understand why someone who didn't have any children might be thinking like this. But you've already got two. I don't think it's fair on them to have another one now.

I would put the pandemic issue to one side and focus on the environmental issues we still have in the world. Unless billions of us die much of the earth is still going to become inhabitable in less than a hundred years. This is nothing by comparison to what’s coming. Personally I would not be forcing another person to endure it.

Being a bit morbid here but given the current situation, do you want to potentially leave 3 children without a mother if something were to happen to you? All of which have no (or will have no) father in their life? Who would take care of them? Taking in two almost teenagers is a lot easier than taking in two almost teenagers and a newborn. Should you get pregnant and this virus comes back for a second wave, are you able to support yourself if furloughed? Or unable to leave the house due to self isolating? Your children aren’t old enough to go shopping for you so do you have friends close by that can drop round food, as you’ve mentioned your family won’t approve?

To be honest this has made me entirely sure that I dont want another child. I feel bad for bringing the three I’ve got into the world! If I didn’t already have children I think I’d be strongly considering not having any at all at the moment.

It’s something I have been thinking long and hard about doing the same via sperm donation. My DD would be mid-teens by the time it happened if it worked.

I’m using the time on lockdown to make my decision seriously

Good luck OP with whatever you decide.

It is your choice. If your older DC are 10 and 11 now they most likely have a tornado time soon becoming teens.
They might live the idea, gage their reaction first.

Love not live

I don't think it's wise to make this kind of decision at the moment OP. It's such a huge decision for your family, and I think at times of stress like the current situation we sometimes end up doing things that aren't rationally the right thing to do.