To have another baby when this is all over?

[Wineandcakequeen]

I’ve name changed as my friends and family are on here and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it yet, so...
Is there anyone else thinking of having another baby when this is all over as a ‘life is too short’ decision when they may have felt done before now/couldn’t for various reasons?
I’ve wanted another baby for 8 years but I have been single all that time and actually found my ex husband cheating whilst we had been ttc, so my baby days were cut short not by choice. I considered all my options and went down the sperm donation route last year. My first donation didn’t work and it hit me as I was taking the pregnancy test that maybe I was making a mistake. I have two children nearing the teenage years and I felt that I was being selfish bringing a new baby into the mix, particularly without a father. I was gutted the test was negative but relieved at the same time.
Since the corona situation has kicked off its made me look at life in a different way and I feel like I should go for what I want regardless of the negatives because life really is too short. I’m late 30s now and time is running out to decide. I haven’t met anyone in 8 years so chances of that happening in my remaining child bearing time is low. It’s a now (after lockdown) or never for me.
My only hold backs are giving my children less time as there wouldn’t be a father to pass the baby to and of course raising a baby alone on purpose has many negatives. My family won’t be supportive as they don’t agree with donations/surrogacy/adoption etc etc. I keep holding myself back feeling the negatives outweigh the positives but if I continue to then I may regret not going for it.
I mentioned it briefly to a friend by text who said it’s the boredom of lockdown and my baby hormones as my last opportunity is coming up. It made me feel defensive.
I’m interested to see how many ladies could be feeling the same and plan to go for it when they can or if you agree that it is just a hormonal/overthinking thing and shouldn’t happen.

It’s in the background but then I do things with my girls that I realise I couldn’t do if I’d had another baby. Weird thing is I’m not even a baby person!

I think my view on your situation would tip the other way if you had wider support that would mean you had more opportunity to be with your girls and prioritise their needs. Even best case scenario babies and toddlers are time consuming but imagine having a baby with colic or a baby with additional needs as a single parent.

No.

Once this is over the whole world will going into recession. You might be fine for money at the moment but that could well change plus the fact you already have two children that will have to start their adult lives whilst the whole world is in recession so any cash you have should be reserved to help them no a child who doesn’t exist at this point.

I feel guilty for bringing my son into this world, I worry for his future. I certainly wouldn't be having three children but that's my choice. It's up to you i guess.

No, because of the environmental effects and what future children are likely to have to endure.

There are so many unknowns now a days.

My worries would be about my existing children. Childbirth is not a zero risk adventure, especially when older. I developed a problem during my first which means subsequent children would be risky for me. I have made the decision to stop at one as I don’t want to risk myself for an unknown child.
But even a straightforward pregnancy can develop complications. What would happen to your children if something happened to you? Especially since their dad is not in their life. My view is jaded by my experiences but I was fit and healthy and young before my first and still developed complications

I was gonna wait another year to ttc - but my husband and I have started trying now instead - all our pre baby plans (big holiday we were meant to be on right now cancelled) Glastonbury, cancelled and various other things all no longer happening - made us realise what are we waiting for when this whole year has been taken from us just like that!

I’d say if you feel financially stable enough to do this alone then go for it :)

I'm very sorry but YABU.

"I have two children nearing the teenage years and I felt that I was being selfish bringing a new baby into the mix, particularly without a father."

I think you were right about that. Two children is plenty, the age gap will be too great, and while there are plenty of wonderful single parents out there, it's really not ideal to bring a child into the world without a father.

I think it's time to accept what you have and come to terms with not having any more children.

No one needs children we just want them.

No but it's incredibly selfish to bring a child into the world purposely denying them ever knowing their father or fathers family

Sometimes we have to accept in life that this is "our lot"

When we really want something it’s good to reflect on what we think it would give us that we crave.

So what would having a new baby give you?
Make a list, a long one.

E.g. a new baby would give me:
-That new baby smell
-A sense of being needed
-Cuddles
Etc

Then look at it and see where you already have those things, or where you can get them.

E.g you’re already needed, but in a different form as it’s by teenagers
Where do you already get cuddles?

It can sometimes help to see that we’ve got fixed on “an answer” to a need, but there may be other ways of satisfying that need that aren’t as disruptive.

I’m currently while pregnant whilst going through this, due in the first week of June. I’ve been following news about CV and the current situation seems to be that lockdown restrictions could continue until a vaccine is developed as herd immunity doesn’t seem to be happening. This could go on for years. Aside from the issues surrounding birth choices now and an already overrun health service, this baby won’t meet friends or family and will be raised within the confines of our home not knowing anything or anyone else for who knows how long. I’m desperately worried and unhappy to be bringing a baby into this and wish for it’s own sake that it wasn’t expecting anymore :(

Good luck with whatever you decide, but as someone who has two late teens and a toddler, I am very much aware that we have created a situation in which, if something happens to DH and I, we are leaving our older children with the responsibility of raising the youngest. That's quite a thing to impose on someone.

I’m a single mum too, OP and my DS is only 1. The last year has been HARD and this lockdown is harder still but I’ve decided as soon as it’s over I’m going to look into a sperm donor. I’d love to be able to give him a sibling and seeing how bored and lonely he’s been since lockdown has confirmed it for me.

There’s no such thing as the ‘right time’.

If you have the space and savings, go for it. I know a lot of people here are calling you selfish but procreation is essentially a selfish act so I would ignore. As long as you don’t overuse your DDs as babysitters I’m sure they will accept and come to love their new sibling.

I think your friend is right, OP. In your total, total defense, I completely get what you mean by having those 'family years' robbed of you by a cheating ex and then meeting nobody else afterward. Also, the late 30s is such a weird time for women. This sort of 'last chance saloon' mentality kicks in. Certainly it did with me. But then, I got together with DH when I was 37, having been a lone parent for 7 years. We went onto have 2 more children together. I couldn't have done it alone again, wouldn't have done it alone again. But that's me!

I'm 48 now. I cycle, I walk everywhere, I have the cholesterol of a wild animal. In other words, I am incredibly healthy for my age. Except I had a heart attack a month ago and went into cardiac arrest. I nearly died but they were able to resuscitate me. Because of my condition (my artery just randomly tore and brought on a heart attack- it happens, rarely, but it does! Just terrible luck really), it's given me the HUGEST wake up call. I really have to face the fact that I can die young and leave my kids depending on whoever is available: dad and big brother (18), in my case.
If you go it alone, make double sure you've got support in place for your children in case you need it in a worst-case scenario. Future proof your kids' protection, especially if you're having a baby later in life. Shit can and does happen at any stage. But in your case, if you're going to fly solo and go for it, just put protective measures in place for all of your children.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

The opposite

I couldn't even contemplate bringing another life into this uncertain world

@MoonBlood how awful that you feel this way :( I hope once baby is here you will enjoy your time at home with you, baby and your partner !! I really don’t think it will be that bad ! Baby will eventually meet everyone else :)

Think of the positives - is your partner working at home currently? If so at least you will have him there for longer than most new dads!

You won’t have pressure to get back to normal after the birth - you can hide at home and relax before needing to have loads of visitors etc

I’ve had similar feelings, late 30s and I have 2DC, I’ve always wanted a 3rd but DH doesn’t so we’re not. I’ve always had the yearning in the back of my mind though. The past few weeks have changed my mind completely, the 2 I have need so much more from me in terms of education and support that if I had a baby they’d really suffer, a new baby would be an utter disaster for my older 2 and they are younger than yours. Your children will need more and more from you as they head into their teens, having a baby without someone else there to support means that you won’t be available. Life is hard enough and as much as I’d love the newborn phase it just wouldn’t be fair on my children.

I was 13 when my mom had my little sister and I absolutely loved it, she is my entire world and I have an older sibling a year older than me and it defiantly didn't change anything between us! Just incase you wanted an input from a child's (at the time) point of view ☺️ I personally would go for it especially if your financial position would be fine too

Be grateful for what you have. Having a healthy baby is never a given. And personally, wouldn't have another in this uncertain world with the environment being how it is when I already had two.

No, I think it would be a very selfish decision. What does the future hold for our existing children? Are your DDs going to be able to secure the sort of future you hope for them? I would concentrate on supporting my existing children rather than bringing new ones into the world.

Thank you all for responses, it has really helped particularly the kind ones that have made me see things from all angles in a non judgemental way.
Good luck to those in this position planning to ttc I really hope it works out for you. And Moon I really hope everything goes ok, I know the world is a shit place right now but your baby will be worth it we all have to work together to make the world a better place again, it won’t be scary forever.

I’m pregnant now, conceived in early Feb before we knew how bad things were going to get. If I’d waited a month I wouldn’t have done it...who knows what the world is going to be like in the coming years. I have an almost 2 year old and because I have underlying health conditions now exacerbated by pregnancy there is a real risk that I could die if I get the virus and leave him motherless. You’ve got two lovely girls and you’re past the hard baby stage. I think you should be grateful for what you have and focus on how to make their future as good as it can be.

I don't have any children yet, but if anything this has made me think about delaying it. I'm not sure if I will have a job after this or what my financial situation will be in a years time. Plus I wouldn't feel right bringing a child into the screwed up world right now, I would (personally) feel selfish about it until we know how this is going to pan out.

If you have two children already, why is there such a big wish for another one? Are your current children not enough - I am not saying this in a way to be horrible, I come from a family with a lot of siblings and I still don't understand why people wish for more than a couple of children.

I’m in the opposite boat. We’ve got a one year old who took years to arrive after multiple losses and know it would be a bit of a mission having another one but I loved being pregnant, found having a newborn very easy and part of me has been hankering to go through it all again to have another one. DH has had similar feelings, torn between feeling grateful for what we have and putting baby making behind us and getting the snip, and saying fuck it let’s just try again and hope for the best, she’s great let’s have more.

Like a switch going off, since the pandemic hit the idea of having another baby has changed from tempting to unthinkable. I don’t know if it’ll last when the madness subsides but we were bedding down the other night and I said to him I’m done, she’s amazing, the world is insane, have a vasectomy as soon as you can. He feels the same way.

Now is the time to be thankful for what we have and to focus on cherishing that and bracing ourselves for a very tough few years ahead.

If you’re confident you’ve weighed up the pros and cons and can support another child I say go for it