To have another baby when this is all over?

[Wineandcakequeen]

I’ve name changed as my friends and family are on here and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it yet, so...
Is there anyone else thinking of having another baby when this is all over as a ‘life is too short’ decision when they may have felt done before now/couldn’t for various reasons?
I’ve wanted another baby for 8 years but I have been single all that time and actually found my ex husband cheating whilst we had been ttc, so my baby days were cut short not by choice. I considered all my options and went down the sperm donation route last year. My first donation didn’t work and it hit me as I was taking the pregnancy test that maybe I was making a mistake. I have two children nearing the teenage years and I felt that I was being selfish bringing a new baby into the mix, particularly without a father. I was gutted the test was negative but relieved at the same time.
Since the corona situation has kicked off its made me look at life in a different way and I feel like I should go for what I want regardless of the negatives because life really is too short. I’m late 30s now and time is running out to decide. I haven’t met anyone in 8 years so chances of that happening in my remaining child bearing time is low. It’s a now (after lockdown) or never for me.
My only hold backs are giving my children less time as there wouldn’t be a father to pass the baby to and of course raising a baby alone on purpose has many negatives. My family won’t be supportive as they don’t agree with donations/surrogacy/adoption etc etc. I keep holding myself back feeling the negatives outweigh the positives but if I continue to then I may regret not going for it.
I mentioned it briefly to a friend by text who said it’s the boredom of lockdown and my baby hormones as my last opportunity is coming up. It made me feel defensive.
I’m interested to see how many ladies could be feeling the same and plan to go for it when they can or if you agree that it is just a hormonal/overthinking thing and shouldn’t happen.

I can't believe you can even think of bringing a baby into the world when everything is so uncertain.

We don't know how long the virus will go on for, how many people will die, how many people become ill etc. It could be years before a vaccine is found or even never.

There is almost certainly going to be a major recession. In fact experts are talking of an economic depression the likes of which we have not seen for many many years.

Also children born now are almost certainly going to face a bleak future because of climate change, food and water shortages etc.

You already have 2 children. No one really should be having more than that. The population is already ridiculously too high.

I think it is very very selfish

I would say that if you have the network of support needed to bring up a child as well as the money, you can but honestly I wouldn’t.

I have been raising my child singlehandedly for many years, I do think that with the help of tax credits, a lot of cost cutting and adaptations we have been ok but I am not sure DS has particularly enjoyed being the kid who doesn’t see his dad, however happy our life may have been.

Big difference as well is that I ended up in this situation after DS was in school and after divorce. I am thankful for the help I received to get us back in our feet in what was an unforeseeable situation, but getting back into it feels a bit like abusing the tax payer generosity, one thing is that benefits/CTC helped when things went wrong and a very different one to take such decisions on the idea benefits would finance me should I take the option.

What the world needs now is fewer people. Not more.

Besides... hormones play a nasty trick, they often make us believe we are definitively in need of another baby no matter how dire the straits we are in, but believe me that should also pass and you won’t regret not raising another baby alone.

@lynsey91

Well said

I feel the opposite personally, I had wanted a bigger family in the past but have been feeling thankful not to be pregnant in this situation and the world seems so cruel and unpredictable that adding a new life isn't something I want to do any longer.

May still adopt, though also thankful to be on lockdown with one rather than two kids, and would want to wait until life settles down again before jumping in. Who knows what will happen with our jobs, economy etc in the medium term.

Purposefully having a baby without a father? Really? Awful in my opinion. Poor baby

Purposefully having a baby without a father? Really? Awful in my opinion

Far better than the countless children who have fathers who don't give a shit I think.

I think its far better to give a baby a stable family home. They come in all shapes and sizes

Also children born now are almost certainly going to face a bleak future because of climate change, food and water shortages etc

Disagree. Actually, children born today will likely have the best outlook of nearly any generation born previously.

People like this wouldn’t have children in the 60s and 70s because we were going to destroy ourselves with nuclear weapons, or reach peak oil, or starve to death (look up Paul Ehrlich). They were wrong then and they are wrong now.

@MangoFeverDream

"Actually, children born today will likely have the best outlook of nearly any generation born previously."

Absolutely ridiculous!! What about the environment and antibiotic resistance?

As others have said, the broodiness of the late 30s really does pass.

I was desperately sad about not having another child after my son (born when I was 35 and his dad was 50). I had a terribly crisis the year I was 40, but the sadness receded. My son has loved being an only (he has much older half-siblings, the youngest of which was 18 when he was born), and the three of us are very close. My main concern in not having a second was my DH's age. I now think this was the right decision, as we are pretty sure DH is terminally ill (just waiting for the call back from the hospital). This will be impossibly difficult for our son, who is now 20, but would have been even harder had he been younger.

Now we are all having to face our mortality in a way that hasn't been the case since the last war. I agree with everyone who has said they would be reluctant to bring more children into the world with such an uncertain future. I too believe this is just the start, with world recession, massive job losses and civil unrest likely, and the climate emergency just around the corner. I pray that our societies take the opportunity to reset but I sadly don't think this is very likely.

It's true, people have had and will always have children through the worst of conditions.
War, disease, famine.
It didn't used to consciously selfish because people (women especially) didn't really have any control over it and no real culture of thinking of the benefits of the actual child. People didn't really know any better and even if they did they might not have had control over not reproducing. Much like the rest of the mammalian kingdom.

We are not in that situation now, but of course all the hormonal and genetic components - that drive to reproduce no matter what - remain in place.

What you do is entirely your choice, OP. But remember, it's not just you that faces the consequences of your decision.

It’s your choice. Personally though I wouldn’t if I was in your situation, far more many cons than pros.
I wouldn’t have another baby anyway, hasn’t this pandemic taught us enough about the impact of over population?

@CheeseNips speaks great sense.

What about the environment and antibiotic resistance?

What about the environment? The Global South suffers more from lack of industry than anything else. They actually need to develop; the Global North has the technology to mitigate the effects of global warming.

Anyway this is a bit of a derailment. Sorry OP

I think people are being harsh. Just because your existing children are older doesn’t mean they won’t love their new sibling. There’s 9 years between me and my sis and we’ve always been very close. I’d have a chat to gage their reactions first. If you can afford this and it’s something your truly desire then go for it. You know what being a single mum is like so I don’t see why others are criticising.

People like this wouldn’t have children in the 60s and 70s because we were going to destroy ourselves with nuclear weapons, or reach peak oil, or starve to death (look up Paul Ehrlich). They were wrong then and they are wrong now.

If these people indeed didn't reproduce in the 60s, they weren't 'wrong'.
We'd be in an even worse state population-wise if they had have had children.

They did right.

I am really curious to know whether OP would be getting such a hard time if she didn't already have two children? DH and I were just about to start TTC our second, and have put it on hold now - but we very much consider it on hold, not never. Of course if the world descends into an apocalyptic state we won't, but for most likely outcomes we will - the question is when not if. Is that ok, because we only have one? What if it was our first?

Also curious if people feel the same about people ttc their first child? Should I just put that on hold or just never have a child now because of the uncertainty? I’m ttc now and won’t be putting it on hold.

No I just don't understand this, you have 2 children that are still at an age where they very much rely on you and you want to have a baby without a second parent? However you manage this it is going to transform the teenagers lives and not in a positive way, you're already a parent down, now you want to split yourself further, your teenagers WILL lose out here.

I can only imagine how a teenager would feel about a parent going to these lengths to have a child, one I think would potentially be rejection. Even if you had 1 child I could understand to a degree, but the fact you have 2 says to me this is a misguided attempt to fill a void when your energies should be elsewhere.

I can’t speak for everyone KaptenKrusty but for me, yes I’d be putting it on hold. If I didn’t already have children I’d be having serious thoughts about having them at all.
This isn’t going to be the last global pandemic, or the worst.
But that’s my opinion. Everyone else is free to make their own decisions

I think some of you are missing the point, I’m not talking about having a baby right now I was speaking about the time in the future when the virus is gone and everything starts getting back to normality. Of course there’s a chance that won’t happen, so I’m mostly speculating on timing, but I would not act on it during this time. As so many of you are confident the world will get worse permanently we may not be here for me to have another baby anyway. I prefer to stay positive and look forward to the day we all come out alive and stronger for what we’re going through.
Mango you didn’t say anything wrong.
Lisa Simpson - I agree it’s mainly because I’m a single mum and would need a donor that I’ve faced comments in the past 8 years. I’ve held back a lot to please others which is why I’m trying to make a decision for my life for once. I don’t think anyone would pass comments on your situation and if they did ignore them! I hope you get your bfp as soon as you can.

The Global South suffers more from lack of industry than anything else. They actually need to develop; the Global North has the technology to mitigate the effects of global warming.

We don't have the technology to mitigate the effects. Look at the flooding at the start of the year.

Humans are a cancer on the planet. Children born in the global north have a far higher carbon footprint than those in developing countries. The answer is not more growth.

Our whole sociology-economic model needs to shift.

If you can support the child without any financial assistance from the government then that's your decision. I would also take into account the environmental impact of another child and whether you would be able to support them like your other children in 18 years if they went to university.

LisaSimpsonsbff
My opinion depends on the circumstances. In this case as the OP already has 2 children, who are older and I think a 10+ year age gap? and has no partner, I don't think another baby is a good idea at all. For someone who doesn't yet have any children or has one reasonably young child and wants another, especially if they have a partner or someone they can successfully co-parent with, why not. For a single person with no children I think it's a difficult choice and I wouldn't judge someone who had a child in that situation - I really don't think a third child is necessary, though.