To have another baby when this is all over?

[Wineandcakequeen]

I’ve name changed as my friends and family are on here and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it yet, so...
Is there anyone else thinking of having another baby when this is all over as a ‘life is too short’ decision when they may have felt done before now/couldn’t for various reasons?
I’ve wanted another baby for 8 years but I have been single all that time and actually found my ex husband cheating whilst we had been ttc, so my baby days were cut short not by choice. I considered all my options and went down the sperm donation route last year. My first donation didn’t work and it hit me as I was taking the pregnancy test that maybe I was making a mistake. I have two children nearing the teenage years and I felt that I was being selfish bringing a new baby into the mix, particularly without a father. I was gutted the test was negative but relieved at the same time.
Since the corona situation has kicked off its made me look at life in a different way and I feel like I should go for what I want regardless of the negatives because life really is too short. I’m late 30s now and time is running out to decide. I haven’t met anyone in 8 years so chances of that happening in my remaining child bearing time is low. It’s a now (after lockdown) or never for me.
My only hold backs are giving my children less time as there wouldn’t be a father to pass the baby to and of course raising a baby alone on purpose has many negatives. My family won’t be supportive as they don’t agree with donations/surrogacy/adoption etc etc. I keep holding myself back feeling the negatives outweigh the positives but if I continue to then I may regret not going for it.
I mentioned it briefly to a friend by text who said it’s the boredom of lockdown and my baby hormones as my last opportunity is coming up. It made me feel defensive.
I’m interested to see how many ladies could be feeling the same and plan to go for it when they can or if you agree that it is just a hormonal/overthinking thing and shouldn’t happen.

And to a pp, I don't have children by choice and it's factors like the environment which I have based my decision on. Covid 19 also has further cemented that.

I don't not understand why people don't think of what kind of world they'll be bringing a new life into to be honest. It is selfish.

I’ve held back a lot to please others which is why I’m trying to make a decision for my life for once.

I'm a firm believer in not putting everyone else in front of you, making time to make yourself happy, I have made lots of decisions some people on mumsnet would be aghast at because I refuse to accept "mum" as my identity, I'm a person first. BUT this isn't about going back to work or taking a holiday without the kids, this decision would turn your children's lives upside down, split your single income between 4 people, your attention will be channelled to the most demanding child: the baby. Not to mention the risks if anything were to happen to you, this is more than just a selfish decision, it's entirely egocentric, sometimes you do just have to put your mum hat on and realise this is not good for your children.

I think you need to really ask yourself why you want this baby, really, and reflect on what you should be doing for your existing children.

I'd go for it. I don't understand the idea of 'be grateful for what you have and never want anything more'. If you apply that mentality to everything, no-one and nothing would ever change (jobs, houses, relationships).

Of course there are risks in having a child. Of course it may not be plain sailing. But I think if you acknowledge that, then bringing a child into the world that you will love and nurture is never a bad thing. You have the resources to give it a good life.

Also, if no children were ever born in a crisis, then no baby will ever grow up to solve that crisis. There is climate change; a child may be born that will come up with some amazing solution that deals with it. By the rationale on here, no-one should have a baby as the world is over-populated, despite that baby, once grown up, maybe finding a cure for cancer, solving emissions-crises, finding a cure for some other virus.

I don't see why, if you have the resources, it's ok to have one or two children, but that wanting more makes you automatically selfish. Some of the happiest families I know have 4 children, 6 children.

I think, in a crisis like this, if what really hits home is how much you want another child, then go for it.

I would speak to your other children, my mum had me at 25 and my half sister at 39 so I know what a big age gap is like .

Mum didn't mention it before getting pregnant (as my dad died when I was 9 you might find my opinion is a bit different to what many children would say in this situation ), I just wanted my mum to be happy and I love my little sister, I could cook a bit when she was born and was quite independent so I don't feel that I missed out on anything as a teenager because of it.

The only thing is if anything happened to mum, my sister still has her dad and I m 25 so I would find a way to look after her myself if the worst happened so i would consider if there is someone who could be a guardian if it came to it.

if you were my daughter I’d be asking why the existing children weren’t enough for you? They may also feel that if you go ahead.
Do you ask this if everyone who wants more than one?

Have you thought about fostering?

You obviously love children and you will be helping a child in need but it will also let you see how having another child will affect your life, job, income and current children.

I am also a single parent and have been since I found out I was pregnant so in a similar situation that you would be in (apart from having older DCs).

I was a teenager at the time and had little help from family and friends and I found it hard. But I am a good mum and my DD is happy so it is very possible you can make it work however I do feel bad that she doesn't have her dad or that side of the family around her when most of her friends do and I think this upsets her too.

Do you ask this if everyone who wants more than one?

I didn't say the original comment but it's very different in these circumstances when the OP has to go to great lengths to have the child and then raise it and her other children alone, everyone knows how difficult it would be so yes I too am wondering why is the OP so desperate that she is so willing to put her own children in that situation so she can have another child.

If you have twins you can copy the couple in India and call them Covid and Corona.

So harsh to tell people who are excited about having their first baby baby that they are selfish to bring a child into the world ! Easy for someone who already has children to make a statement like that.

I didn’t say it was selfish. I just said I wouldn’t do it.

Thanks for those last few posts, freckled leopard you speak a lot of sense thank you. I agree if it’s the case those wanting babies in this crisis are selfish then basically from this moment onward not a single person should reproduce in your minds? So what happens when all the living people die and no one has had babies? Yes we won’t be as over populated, but there will be a missing generation we’ll need one day. I’m a firm believer in carrying on, humans have got through wars and sickness many times and come out the other side why can’t we now? I’ve spent nearly 12 years raising two amazing children single handedly, I’ve never had a babysitter or had family support but I’ve done it and so proud of the children I’ve raised to this point. We’ve spoken about siblings over the years and they’ve always be keen, but they understand without a husband it isn’t possible. I’ve ingrained strong morals and ethics into my children don’t worry

I do find it very sad when women consider that father is not much of a need to a child and later adult. Your eldest don't have much of a relationship with their father so you probably don't consider it important if they are happy but they are still young and at least know they were wanted by him at at the time you were happy together.

I've seen to many older teenagers really struggling psychotically with no father to refer to. It's really not an ideal situation. I can understand to an extent opting for it when you haven't yet had the joy to be a parent, even a second time to give a sibling but a third one is just well greedy.

It's also so easy to imagine it all being perfect, the child healthy happy having inherited only good genes from their unknown father, your eldest being totally in love with the baby and later the annoying child they'll become. You being so happy to be a mum again, a model of health, feeling much younger, financially stable and under no pressure, your eldest happy to babysit when Der so you can still go out and both your children turning into reliable stress free children.

I was desperate for a third child when mine were your age. It didn't happen. 10 years later and I am genuinely so relieved. I don't have half the energy I had at 38. My kids were much more demanding as teenagers. Working ft has become much more day daunting.

At least I have my freedom now. The idea of having to still care for a 10yo is horrifying and that's with partner. I'm so glad nature knew better than I.

Only on Mumsnet would someone cite 'the crying in the night may affect your elder children's secondary education' as a valid reason not to have another baby 😳

People saying you already have two children isn't that enough?! I feel like that's telling someone that has secondary infertility why are you sad you already have a child 😡 not helpful

Also I agree OP having a child is all about what a person wants, so anybody having a child in any circumstance is essentially doing it for their own wants.

Yes it's important to make sure you are financially secure as you've no one to rely on if your circumstances change ... however no one can really be 100% sure things will stay the same no matter their circumstances. Things change due to illness, injury, death, divorce who knows what the future holds, as long as you're reasonably sure things won't change and you're children are happy with your decision then do what you want and makes you happy.

It's sad your family can't be happy for you and I feel if you had no children people would be giving very different responses.

I have one DS and pregnant with number 2 and although still young sometimes my DH wonder why we didn't start younger because we love it so much, also over the past few years we have went through a financial and health rollercoaster which has definitely resulted in us having a different attitude of sod it do what makes you happy, life IS too short!

Good luck whatever your decision

I do find it very sad when women consider that father is not much of a need to a child and later adult

I think what is important is strong and positive male (and female!) role models. I don’t think these need to come from biological parents.

There’s no guarantee a biological father will want or indeed have any involvement

Sorry I couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough. How dare you assume anything ‘don’t disturb’ I’ve been through a lot with them not having their dad and coming to terms with it so get lost with your judgement attitude he wasn’t interested when they were babies and chose to leave them when we divorced is that ok for you? I have no ‘perfect image’ in my head I know full well how difficult it would be thank you now get off my post

Thanks donut

I have emergency savings for those concerned I’m doing it for benefits or something of the sort (which I have never claimed) and they each have a large uni fund from the house sale.

I can’t speak for everyone KaptenKrusty but for me, yes I’d be putting it on hold. If I didn’t already have children I’d be having serious thoughts about having them at all.
This isn’t going to be the last global pandemic, or the worst.

But we've always known that global pandemics, or world wars, or climate catastrophies, or any number of terrible things could befall our children - just because one has happened now doesn't change that? Another global pandemic isn't more likely now that it was this time last year.

I'm always a bit suspicious of people with children who insist they would have self-sacrificingly not had them under current circumstances. It's pretty easy to hypothetically give something up, it's a lot harder if it's your actual life.

Humans are a cancer on the planet. Children born in the global north have a far higher carbon footprint than those in developing countries. The answer is not more growth

A cancer? No wonder you don’t want the OP to have children. The answer for the Global South is industrial growth, that’s the only thing that will improve their living standards. Nothing else has worked. As countries develop, the population naturally falls, we’d have negative population growth if not for immigration.

As for floods, I checked some flooding incidents in the past — the death count would have been much higher in the past, so yeah, we do have better technology and resources to deal with these things.

So again, if the OP has the resources to raise another child as a SP then why not?

I’m not insisting it LisaSimpsonsbff, just saying I’d be thinking far more seriously about it. Of course I’ve always known pandemics/catastrophes could happen, in the abstract, but until you actually live through something like that... I’m sure I’m not the only one who hasn’t put it at the forefront of my decision making, and maybe I should have done.
I can’t say what I’d do in this scenario if I didn’t already have children because I do already have them. I just often feel guilty about bringing children into the world, and the environmental impact of my children, and think I should have thought more carefully about it before I made the decisions I did. I was naive.

No wonder you don’t want the OP to have children.

She already does. And why bother asking the question in the first place as it's obvious from further posts she's going to do it anyway?

Nope. I’m scared for the children I have and what the fallout will be health wise and economy wise. Think the last thing I would want is another child to worry about and pay for when the works is like this.

I didn’t ask for your opinion, if you refer back to the op I asked if other ladies were planning to have another baby not should I have one. And why is it obvious I am going to do it? If I was I would just get on with it wouldn’t I. I had reservations about my donation and stopped, hence why I am still thinking it through and not rushing into it so Stop making presumptions and judgemental comments, if it bothers you so much then leave the thread. You must feel so chuffed with yourself judging someone you know nothing about, disgusting comments towards fatherless children on here. Would you prefer I had a one night stand as some women do, or use a consenting donor that the baby can contact at 18?