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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friends to stop posting pictures of their children outside

179 replies

Fruitteatime · 08/04/2020 22:45

I feel sick to my stomach every time I see photos of friends children enjoying their gardens. Just feel so guilty that dd and ds don't have the same chance to be outside as we live in a flat. I'm really worried for my mental health and theirs. I normally don't care because I felt we had a good balance between getting out and about and being at home.

I absolutely appreciate that this is preferable to having covid or overwhelming the nhs. I'd really like to know how I can shake this feeling though and what I can do to help my children.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2020 09:40

This comment from page one is one of the weirdest I’ve read....
A toddler snacking outside is fine IMO - just take a tub so you can catch any crumbs in case people get sniffy about that.

Why would crumbs falling be a problem? It’s outside. Other people’s children aren’t going to be eating crumbs from the floor.

Nixen · 09/04/2020 09:41

I live in a flat and I’m getting tired of the ‘feel sorry for people who live in a flat’ bullshit. Granted, we do have a balcony which we are grateful for and have been using every day with DD, but I just find it really patronising when people post how sorry they are for us... we are fine? DD is loved and safe and happy and if I’m being honest absolutely spoilt rotten with toys, attention, games etc. Save your sympathy for the kids stuck at home with shitty abusive neglectful parents, even an acre of land won’t save them then!

oakleaffy · 09/04/2020 09:41

@Brefugee
''Comparison (as they say) is the thief of joy.''

Superb!...I love that phrase. Have never heard it before, but it is so very true. Thanks Smile

SarahAndQuack · 09/04/2020 09:41

Bear in mind how many people will be posting pictures at the moment to cheer up grandparents and other relatives who are frightened and isolated.

I keep posting lovely sunny pictures of DD playing or us baking cakes or whatever. I am actually pretty stressed and spending a lot of time working while trying to look after her, but I would like my mum, who is equally stressed, to be cheered up.

MamaBearOnLockdown · 09/04/2020 09:44

If you lived in Italy or France your friends would mostly all live in flats, too.

Confused

What now? Where on earth have you seen that most people live in flats in these countries?

MarieQueenofScots · 09/04/2020 09:46

I really dislike the narrative that all social media postings are fake. If that's your immediate thought on seeing something a friend posts, then maybe the issue isn't the channel but your feelings for the person in question.

I often see it on threads like this.

The fact is social media gives any person the tools to control their timelines so you can see what you want. Don't think about policing other people (unless the content needs reporting!); do think about making your social media work for you!

BertieBotts · 09/04/2020 09:46

Please stop reading bonkers MN threads which are making you think things like bringing a snack for your tiny child are unacceptable - getting out and about and having fresh air are crucial. Do whatever you need to make that work, as long as you are staying away from other people.

There is also an exception made now for getting out more than once a day if you genuinely feel you need that. I would use it. We aren't in the UK so no such restriction here, we go out once most days, but twice some days.

And yes I do know what it's like not to have a garden, as we also live in a flat! I haven't had a garden since 2009. My children are 11 and 1.5. So I am well aware of what it's like to have toddlers without a garden. We are lucky enough currently to have a balcony but didn't have that two years ago.

theDudesmummy · 09/04/2020 09:48

I am lucky enough to have a big garden but I am refraining from posting pics on FB of DS running about, making kites, gardening etc, although I have taken the pics and have shared them with close family on WhatsApp.

I feel it is rather mean to share the pics widely, especially as I have many friends and family members on FB who are in a country where the lockdown is way more severe than in UK or Ireland (which is where I am at the moment). They are not allowed out at all, so if they have no garden they have no outdoor time whatsoever, no walk, nothing.

nicky7654 · 09/04/2020 09:52

Go for a walk, take bananas and a sandwich and enjoy being outside each day. Come off social media if it upsets you.

YouJustDoYou · 09/04/2020 09:53

Of course you're being utterly unreasonable.

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2020 09:55

I feel it is rather mean to share the pics widely, especially as I have many friends and family members on FB who are in a country where the lockdown is way more severe than in UK or Ireland (which is where I am at the moment). They are not allowed out at all, so if they have no garden they have no outdoor time whatsoever, no walk, nothing.

I think it’s nicer to see pictures of outside when you can’t get out yourself. I’ve loved following wildlife and landscape photography posters on Facebook. I don’t think you need to worry about upsetting people with pictures of your family outdoors.

heartsonacake · 09/04/2020 09:56

YABVU. If you have an issue with something then you need to fix that and deal with it yourself, not try and control what other people do in order to feel better.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/04/2020 09:57

I only have my friends on Facebook- sharing pictures of what we are doing is helping with the lockdown.

BertieBotts · 09/04/2020 09:57

MamaBear - I don't think it's most, but certainly a far higher proportion of families live in flats where we are (Germany). It's not seen as essential/desirable to have a house as soon as you get pregnant here in the same way it is in the UK. Most flat buildings have lifts so that you can manage the pram etc. They are also much more spacious in general than UK flats which can be small.

In the UK I feel like flats are generally thought of as being places that young/single people live in, unless you're poor and have no choice (Hmm cos obviously if you had a choice, you wouldn't pick one) whereas families "need" a house. In Germany it's not seen that way at all - all kinds of households live in flats. People generally only get a house once they're buying and because of differences in the way buying works, you only buy if you're planning to stay in that house at least 10 years. None of this get on the housing ladder ASAP because renting is a waste of money idea. But there is also excellent legislation protecting tenants and making sure landlords keep their houses in good repair.

But also flats aren't crammed together here either - we can reach lovely woodlands from ours and in our last one we were near several parks, the one before then was next to a stream with ducks etc. We would have struggled with the in-between one with a toddler, I think, if we weren't allowed to drive to a location to exercise. I am not sure on the official stance on this in the UK.

Surly · 09/04/2020 10:04

We don't have a garden but we have a small backyard, we've been taking the dc out to do activities outside for an hour etc.. then going for a long walk, that seems to be enough for them tbh.
I do understand what you're saying but I do its yabu to want people not to post photos.

Genevieva · 09/04/2020 10:07

@BertieBotts We have family friends in Munich who have rented the same flat for over 40 years. It is lovely. The exterior is nothing to write home about, but inside it is more spacious than a classic British 3 bed semi. And it is light and airy. Buying never seems to have been a concern for them. They don't fear annual rent rises or being told to leave at short notice.

theDudesmummy · 09/04/2020 10:14

Oh, me and some friends have been sharing general outside pics, reminding ourselves of beautiful places etc. I just felt it would be mean to put up the lovely collection of pics I now have of all the things DS has been doing outdoors in the last couple of weeks (in the garden and within 2km of our house, which is what is allowed here, which in our case includes walking to a beautiful lake, and the weather has been glorious), when people I know are unable to leave their front door and their children are indoors 24/7.

CallmeAngelina · 09/04/2020 10:16

Why can your toddler not go more than an hour or two without a snack?

LadyMadderRose · 09/04/2020 10:20

We live in a flat, though luckily it’s a block with some of its own green space/garden areas around it and we have a balcony. But I do admit to being jealous of people who can go camping in their garden. I love camping and it would be the perfect way to enjoy the spring with the kids. It wouldn’t be allowed here and also not very suitable as the garden is open to the normal road so not very secure or private.

But as a pp says, I’m happy for them. There will always be people with more than you and less than you. Going without something/being less well off can have its advantages for kids in that they learn that life doesn’t hand you everything on a plate, and can learn to appreciate things. My DD has a very wealthy friend who has everything and of course DD gets jealous - but that friend may find it hard if one day she has less.

In other words try to see the positive and help your DC to enjoy the little things - though I know it can be hard to get into that mindset when you feel crap and anxious. As pps have said, you can get out and about, you can take snacks. You can have mini-adventures like go round the block and spot as many round things as you can, or flowers, or red things, or whatever, and take photos of them.

BeepOpsiePie · 09/04/2020 10:20

I honestly think it's just that people don't "think" about these things when posting.
I admit I'm probably one of these unintentionally insensitive people (and I feel awful now you have pointed it out).

What? Playing outside in the garden is a pretty mundane activity, it's not like we're talking about people posting pictures of themselves setting fire to some £50 notes aboard their luxury yacht or something. How is it "insensitive" to post pictures about your everyday life on your own social media pages? By this logic there is pretty much nothing you could ever post photos of or talk about as someone could always be jealous of something you have and they don't!

I live in a flat and I am more than happy to see pictures of my friends' kids out enjoying their garden.

Deathraystare · 09/04/2020 10:20

Apparently according to a health worker who sent a txt to her family after a meeting, there will be a more severe lockdown next week - NO exercising outside at all and you better have a good excuse to be out. Deaths will rise. Ambulances may not come to you.

One of our porters had to get off a bus this morning because of a woman coughing who refused to put her hand in front of her mouth. Some other people got off too.

MamaBearOnLockdown · 09/04/2020 10:23

BertieBotts
depends where in Germany!
and where in England or France.

What is true is that properties in England are tiny - flats or houses. We are living in horribly cramped conditions, and what is called a "big house" makes most people laugh.
And British people LOVE semi-detached houses for some weird reasons.

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2020 10:24

Everyone seems to know a random healthcare worker/friend in the civil service/butler to the queen etc...

I’d take that with a massive pinch of salt @deathraystar

Worriedmum54321 · 09/04/2020 10:27

@deathraystare that sounds like a load of scaremongering rubbish to me.

OP. Take a picnic for all of you, as long as you can find somewhere quiet to eat it. It's really important to get out in the sun for some exercise.

SarahAndQuack · 09/04/2020 10:30

Yes, it must depend to a degree, but overall @BertieBotts is right. There's a table here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Housing_in_Europe

62% of Germans live in flats, and 18% of Brits. That's a huge difference.

Part of my extended family is German, and I'd also agree with what's been said about differing attitudes to flats in different countries.