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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
nctocomment · 09/04/2020 08:23

Good morning Moomin. My wife just showed me your comments and she tells me this is quite typical of a lot of women on Mumsnet.
Your husband is not behaving like a husband or father. He has a wife and child, yet seems to think he can live as a single man and treat you as an inconvenience.
This is obviously very unusual. He is treating you very cruelly. I doubt he has the capacity to change. If he did, he wouldn’t take this attitude in the first place. I am almost 50 and have never come across this mentality.
You deserve respect as a mother, a woman and his wife. Men are proud to support their families - otherwise what’s the point? It’s not something you do as a favour. I have four children with my wife. I think it’s important for children to be with their mum, if at all possible, and I’m lucky to have a wife who had the patience to be home with them. I’m not sure I could do it, so the least I can do is to facilitate this financially. I couldn’t give birth or all the other things women do, so that’s my role and it’s not a favour. It what you do as a man. Otherwise don’t have children.
I don’t know what you should do here. Probably leave him eventually? I don’t know what’s wrong with him.

copycopypaste · 09/04/2020 08:25

Anyone who is happy to treat themselves to clothes, nights out and luxuries whilst their partner goes without, is a selfish, self centred wanker in my book.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 08:26

Haha, don't believe for a second the above was written by a man! Good try!

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2020 08:28

OP what is your housing situation? Owned or rented?

GoofyLuce · 09/04/2020 08:28

He is being a complete arse about buying you things for the house rather than buying the family things for the house. That is completely out of order but...

You should have been contributing while you were working. I only work two days a week and barely earn anything but I spend my money on the smaller bills such as council tax, water, tv licence, virgin media ect.... as I wouldn't see it as fair that I get to keep all my money to myself and DP still have to pay for everything else.

Maybe if you did contribute previously he would be more sympathetic about you losing your income now.

Defiantly have a word about the household stuff tho. When he wants you to turn the channel on the tv tell him no I'm watching it as you bought it for me after all Wink

HugeAckmansWife · 09/04/2020 08:31

don'tdisturbmenow the op said that that's what her dh had said, so yes we do know that is the case. It really helps to read the thread, the OPs posts especially.

Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 08:31

In MM's world, many women sees becoming a mum as the road to stopping working or working few hours. In the real world, at least the one I evolve in, most mothers of kids in school work FT and the kids go to after school clubs/CMs so that they can contribute to the family income.

This. All my friends and lots of other women work full time and have kids. It’s not easy but it’s not always practical relying on the one wage.

diddl · 09/04/2020 08:31

I'm making a lot of assumptions here, but if I had to do all out of school childcare, shopping/cleaning/cooking like fuck would I be wanting to work full time.

I'm guessing Op would have to pay for any childcare so unless her wages would cover that it's not doable.

Evening/weekend work also not doable as husband would have to look after his kid & himself!

Astoatora54 · 09/04/2020 08:32

I personally would go back to full time work and split the childcare and bills with him. It would also give you financial independence and a pension -
I agree. Even if you don't do it you should plan on doing it and ask him how he would contribute. At the moment the only work he values is paid work which is the worst position for you to be in.

4Smalls · 09/04/2020 08:37

OP:

1 - your husband's being a dick
2 - your husband does not want to be the main earner - his behaviour is unreasonable, but it may also be a cry for help
3 - you need to get a real job (once pandemic abates); ideally full time and arrange child care equally with husband; your son is growing up - time to invest in your future
4 - any time I read "what little money I earn I feel is reasonable to keep for myself" it's a big red flag. Both of you have to invest in keeping the family afloat. By holding onto your earnings, while he has to share his, you're playing into his f-cked up financial view.

Hope this helps.

Rubyupbeat · 09/04/2020 08:37

Dorry, you are not a family, hes a control freak.
How dare he treat you and your son like this! To not have a joint bank account is wrong, and for you not to be able to take the little one out is a disgrace.
I never would say this on most of the posts here, but you really need to get rid of him, you deserve a better life!

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/04/2020 08:38

Oh FFS why live with a person who acts like this ? Plan for him leaving after lockdown .

shinyredbus · 09/04/2020 08:40

Why the hell are you still with someone like this?!

NotGenerationAlpha · 09/04/2020 08:44

Of course he's being unreasonable. If he expects a wife that contributes, maybe he should have find an investment banker or a corporate lawyer to marry! Oh maybe he wouldn't like that either because then he'd have to pull his weight around jobs in the house more.

lottieloop · 09/04/2020 08:49

He sounds awful OP.

You ARE contributing, you look after your son.

Ugh. I couldn't tolerate this behaviour I'm afraid Thanks

snugs69 · 09/04/2020 08:49

I would be making plans to be leaving when possible this is abuse

Brefugee · 09/04/2020 08:51

OK it's weird that you didn't have an arrangement before about contributing to the household. You say that you kept the little you earned for you as it wasn't enough to contribute to any bills. But now he doesn't want to pay for everything your finances are joint?

So i agree that he needs to step up, but you need to have a conversation about who does what and what the financial penalties are to your family of you working part time (or not at all) and of you working full time. Most people i know contribute in one of three ways: 1) all finances are family finances one-pot method - SAHP either gets "allowance" or can use finances as they see fit
2) everyone contributes proportionately to what they earn - SAHP gets allowance
3) everyone pays 50% of all bills and keeps the rest. I don't know any SAHP in this situation

So you need to agree a model that works for your household and stick to it.

Sorry you lost your job, it's not easy at any time but it seems especially difficult at this time.

SussEggsRoyale · 09/04/2020 09:03

*This is where you got into trouble. Before children, you covered the bills 50:50. After children, you had a choice:

  1. Continue to split the bills 50:50 and split the childcare 50:50
  2. Specialise, and one person cover 100% of the bills while the other covers 100% of the childcare
  3. Somewhere in-between

What he's done is shove 100% of the childcare onto you AND expected you to continue to pay 50% of the bills... then been resentful when that's impossible.

I would tell him that I'll go back to paying half the bills when Covid is over, but he'll need to pick-up his half of the childcare. So would he prefer to do school pick-ups or drop-offs? And obviously he should make arrangements to allow flexibility in the case of child illness / doctor's appointments.

I don't know what his position is on housework, but he should be expecting to do half of that too.*

Yep, this.

Mistystar99 · 09/04/2020 09:06

Get a job when this is all over.

1stmonkey · 09/04/2020 09:08

Finances should have been discussed, you can't just assume he'll be happy to support you. I presume you'd be happy to support him financially if he chose to become a SAHD?
It's a fairly simple conversation that needs to happen.

seltaeb · 09/04/2020 09:10

I find it incredible and depressing that 10% of voters think you are being unreasonable. You need to keep pushing for his salary/wages to be out into a joint account to cover family expenditure.

Summertime2 · 09/04/2020 09:19

For now you need to invoice him for half of the work that you do around the home. The things that he doesn't do in terms of childcare, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping. Research the going rates for these activities, calculate what he owes based on the hours a week you spend.

When this is over you need to get a full time job, forget school hours - he will need to take joint responsibility for school pick ups and all domestic chores. If he wont, continue to invoice him for his portion.

And then divorce him.

Neron · 09/04/2020 09:21

I would be making plans to be leaving when possible this is abuse

Comments like this are a mockery of women (and men) going through REAL abuse.
No. The DH wanting his DW to get a job where she can contribute financially isn't abuse.

Aworldofmyown · 09/04/2020 09:25

Who looks after your son in the holidays? Who takes and collects him from school? You are not contributing nothing, if you were not around your partner would have to do these things.

Pinkocelot · 09/04/2020 09:26

I find it incredible and depressing that 10% of voters think you are being unreasonable. You need to keep pushing for his salary/wages to be out into a joint account to cover family expenditure

Largely because they haven't read the OP's comments. They haven't been able to take in the fact that she was expected to pay for the childcare, so wouldn't earn significantly more than a part time wage if she had to pay for all the after school and breakfast clubs and then all of the holiday childcare. Oh and just for giggles, I bet she has to do all of the housework and sort out the builders for 'her' kitchen - because a guy who would see his wife without toiletries and his child without days out is unlikely to be generous about getting the marigolds out and scrubbing the loo.

If she had to do all that and not have much left after paying her share of the bills and all of the childcare, then she'd be resentful.

I just don't get why someone would leave the person they're supposed to love without basic necessities. It's really not like a loving relationship to me.

If he has a problem with the OP not working and feeling the burden, which is the narrative of a lot of you here, then a loving partner would sit down and explain this and say how they think it could work, offer to pay at least half the childcare, say how they would use some of their leave for appointments etc, offer to do more (some!) housework. That's what a caring person would do, not just leave their partner with no money at all, that's not an overburdened breadwinner, that's an abuser.