Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

Sorry but at 6 childcare isn’t an issue you get it free, it’s not hard to get into cleaning/caring work that’s flexible around school hours.
Financially abusive is a term used too loosely on here, don’t rely on a man for money go out and earn your own.

Thank goodness you didn't have two children with this man.
You have a choice at the moment, if you leave him now you can still have a lovely enjoyable life with someone else who will delight in seeing you happy.
If all this one has is £800 a month after bills he won't be taking you on nice holidays, trips out etc and that doesn't seem to cross his mind anyway. Find one that will.

@dontdisturbmenow my dh would say that word for word - he is over 70 - even when he was sole wage owner we had joint account & he put his whole wage in - when I restarted work my money was controlled by me & out extras - when we had hard times it was used to pay main bills by my choice because we were & are a unit a co-op if you will - that is what marriage or a family unit is about - if you want to spend on big thing you discuss, & sometimes debate! what you should do - I cant get my head round these modern readapted Victorian attitudes - he is a mcp (male chauvinistic pig you can tell my age!)

Sorry but at 6 childcare isn’t an issue you get it free

Can someone explain this to me please?

Bbyj2019 free childcare? Whats is this you speak of???

It doesnt sound like your DH sees you as a team

This is the problem here. You’ll see endless posters telling you that their way is the “right” one, when the truth is that there aren’t right and wrong ways to split family responsibilities; different things work for different people. But you do need to feel like a partnership, however you do it. And it’s pretty clear from your posts that, despite being married and having a son, he sees you as separate entities rather than a team.

Have you sat down and had sensible conversations about this as your child has grown up? Current situation aside, by six, there’s no reason you have to work school hours, so long as your child can access wraparound care or your husband can do some of the childcare. It sounds like you’re both set in thinking you’re right but haven’t actually discussed it.

From what you’ve said, he’s behaving appallingly (particularly now, when jobs are scarce and everyone should be supporting each other) but if he’s been consistently saying he wants you to contribute financially, that needs discussing. What does he envisage happening with regards to childcare etc? Is it realistic?

Bigger picture though: do you love him? Does he have any redeeming features?

He is a dick, he doesn’t love you as much as his money.
If I were you I’d have a sit down with him and say you always imagined as a married couple you’d have shared finances so you were happy to put your career on the back burner in favour of being the carer for your ds and housekeeper. However It is clear he expects to continue with his salary being at his disposal and so the arrangement can’t continue and you need to get back to work full time, so you need to decide how the childcare will now be split equally and any shortfall paid for. I’d give him two days before he realises what a complete prat he has been.

And if you can’t get a job that pays as much as he earns then you say you also feel you need to downsize home etc in order that half the bills are within your budget if he wants that split 50/50. You are happy to pay your half but what you can afford will have to be reflected in your lifestyle choices as a couple. Or you can just share like any normal family unit would.

Of course he is awful OP.

Hard to imagine you can still love him.

I think you should reach out to family and friends and let them know of the abuse.

Let him know too that he is abusive that you will be seeking help.

Men like this are a disgrace.

They clearly don't want children.

How could the want children when they are determined not to pay for them.

Ugh.....Reminds me of my ex husband... You really ought not live like this.
My ex {when I was SAHM with baby} made me bring my old shoes to him to see if I needed a new pair. Or clothing.
It was horrible having to ask for money every few days to do the food shopping.
It was so disempowering, yet when ''his'' car broke down, when I was working, he expected me to pay half the repair costs , despite the fact he never let me use it.
You don't have to live like this though. Tell him how utterly unreasonable h is being.

This is financial control. It is not right anyway you look at it

You have lost your job due to the covid situation and your DH instead of supporting you is banging on about money. How lovely, does he have any redeeming features?

Tell him when the crisis is over that your returning to work fulltime and that you both need to come up with a plan for your DS as childcare is a shared responsibility.

Your Husband doesn't sound at all nice and is controlling you with the money. His earnings are your earnings too and should be used for you all. I would def not stay with him! My Husband opened up a joint bank account when I left my job so I have money available without having to ask. Please consider your future with this man.

1- GET LEGAL ADVICE
2- get copies of all his accounts
3- divorce the shit head

Control freak - a marriage is a partnership, you are NOT being unreasonable

Sorry but in my eyes everyone in a household should work I had my oldest aged 10 during my nurse uni training I had maternity and went bk in 2nd year with a baby. I finished training and have worked full time ever since I have 2 kids now aged 10 and 5 I'm 30 and have never not worked full time my husband also works full time. If u have lost job due to covid19 ring and ask them to furlough u. My sil has just started working in an evening for dominoes she hasnt ever worked and had 3 small kids but husband bk then so it works for them for childcare maybe u could do this?

Presumably the "free childcare" mentioned above is school?

She works 6 til 11 every 5 night per week for dominoes and gets around 500 a month they are recruiting give them a ring x

@HugeAckmansWife, where does OP said that he agreed to her working PT to allow him to progress in his job? He said it was ok as long as it covered childcare and half the bills.

What is clear is he doesn't agree with OP working few hours and expecting him to support her luxuries and that's fair enough.

Being made redundant 4 times in 3 years, that's a lot of redundancies, so either very bad luck or something is going on.

If my OH had said to me when the kids were at school that he wanted to work PT whilst I continued to work FT but also pay for his luxuries, I would have said no. We both work FT, both PT or the one to work PT accept they get less.

Some men are probably happy to work more and share all their income, many don't and I don't blame at all.

I totally agree that if it was the other way around, the guy would be accused of being a cock lodger.

You could get another job with more hours and being able to keep more and contribute more (as and when cv has sorted itself out

How if the longer hours means more childcare.

At 6 he would still need to go to a childminder before and after school need to be picked up and looked after till he is picked up

Then during the holidays the childminding costs would be more than op was actually earning.

She would be in no better position.

He would also expect her to pay 50% of the household bills given she was working ft

How would she afford to actually get to work? How would she afford to buy sanitary protection or shower gel. How would she be able to have any nice days with her Ds.
I doubt very much his father is bothered about taking his son anywhere

Her dh would probably complain his tea wasn’t on the table because op hadn’t returned from work and been able to pick their child up from the childminder.

After all he bought her a new kitchen
She is probably expected to do all the cooking in her kitchen.
The fact her husband uses the term “her kitchen” suggests he doesn’t ever cook a meal

Then there is the housework. Does anyone believing that op is a fanny lodger actually believe her dh would roll up his sleeves to clean up if op was to work ft when it sounds like anything to do with the house and child is her domain

Op I am interested when your dh talks about being the only one working in your family (he should think himself lucky. 4 adults in our family and no one is working because of this virus)

Do you ever tell him to just Go F**k himself or tell him you will go out into the road and give him a clap.

Things happen. Life never runs smoothly

Getting married is supposed to mean there is someone who always has your back.

If you are expected to run yourself into the ground doing everything whilst the other swans around then I think you really need to think about your pathway in life.

Either you sit down and work out a fairer plan. Providing of course your husband actually wants to step up as a husband and father or after this is all over you tell him and his telly where they can go and you start again.

You would be financially in a better position

Do you own or are you in rented?

You would be able to work ft as dh would be expected to pay 50% of the childcare to enable you to work f/t

You would get CM, half the equity in the house, furniture and his pension and you would not have to listen to someone going on about everything that they have bought for you every night and be expected to be grateful

This is definitely financial abuse. I'm sorry you have been living with this. It might help to research childcare costs and cleaners costs so that you can show him that the work you do would cost him money if you weren't doing it. If you can't get a joint account he should be paying money into your account to pay for the childcare. Traditional 'women's work' such as childcare and housekeeping is made invisible in exactly this way, by men expecting you to do it purely on the basis you're female and calling you a freeloader because it doesn't bring in hard cash. I'm not surprised you spent your money on yourself when you were working because he isn't sharing the household income with you. He sounds like an utter utter twat and he needs a hard dose of reality.

Op, do you resent your husband? Surely he can see you are a partnership working together for a better life for your family. Sadly he doesn’t see this, therefore how happy is the marriage?

You are being financially abused. I hope you see that now, OP.

Get legal advice, plug his salary into CMS, and start thinking about leaving him.

don’t-disturb - I have to be honest and tell you that you come across as having very low standards in men. This is a shame.