Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

All of mine and my husbands money goes into a joint account, all bills come out of there and we both spend from it too, we never see it as his money/my money... it’s our money... but I also don’t think I agree with you paying nothing while you were working, unless you were earning a very very small amount I can’t see why you couldn’t contribute towards some of the bills.

Who are the idiot posters missing the bit of the OP where she lost her job due to the worldwide pandemic.

And who are the idiots suggesting the OP gets a job around school hours, missing again the worldwide pandemic.

Regardless, the husband is being financially abusive. Stop victim blaming here ffs.

OP I’m not sure what you can do right now to be honest. Get your ducks lined up and be ready to leave when life returns to “normal”.

She was eaening £150 pm. Please at least read the OPs posts.

Sorry, but your husband sounds awful!

If you still want to be with him I'd get a full-time job and make him share the cost for a nanny and go out and live your life with your own money. take your son to do things and leave him to do the house stuff.

Why are you with him? He’s being abusive by denying you basic things like clothing etc. Why on earth should your income cover any childcare / clothing. This is your husbands child too. It’s obviously your choice but I would rather be on benefits and rent somewhere than with this man. I think once this lockdown is over you need to consider your future with this man.

Why is childcare purely your responsibility?
It should not be.

I personally would go back to full time work and split the childcare and bills with him. It would also give you financial independence and a pension - because I would bet my bootstraps you are not putting anything aside now.

OP, for the sake of yourself in a decade's time, do something about this now. Either there's a joint point for money (including savings, house, etc) or there is not in which case, you need to protect yourself.

I can't understand how your Dh can watch you go without when he has the means to buy stuff for you. How is that a relationship? If he was my son I would be ashamed of him.

Dh was a student when I met him, I had already graduated uni and was working. He graduated and got a job that earned a few thousand more than me. I went with him leaving mine behind as it was in another county. His career was doing well, we got married, saved money for my maternity leave. When I was on a reduced wage we just floated the joint account from our savings account. This was never phrased as replacing "my" contribution.

I returned to work part time as we could afford it and as always, all money went into the general pot. After another job move for him, I left mine, again, and this time became a SAHM. I have remained one for 15 years. I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, childcare in the holidays (they are 17 and 14 now, so not so much) Dh is incredibly grateful for all my input. It may not be financial but I contribute.

I have access to the joint account, all money is family money. I am sensible, no blowing it on fast cars and horses

I would wonder why you are still with him when he has almost £10k a year extra to burn through and you see none of it. I bet he doesn't spend money on your son either.

I’ve just seen that you only worked for four hours, I can’t really see how you’d have enough to pay much towards bills on four hours a week so he’s definitely being even more unreasonable. If you were going out and spending £££ on things you don’t need or want then fair enough, but I can’t see any other reason to make sure he’s financially independent from you!

Why should the financial burden fall on your DH? Your child is 6 so at school and you worked 4 hours a week. You had the time to work if you wanted to, after school clubs etc. For all the PP saying you should LTB/divorce him, won't you need to get a job to support yourself if that happens?

Would all the women on here be prepared to do that for their part time earning husband?

I can't speak for others but I have always vastly out earned my husband, who works part time. We have separate finances and I pay almost all the bills. The deal is that he does the lion's share of the housework. It works for us

We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself. My husband earned 4 times as much as me a month but was paying the same amount into the bills as me

This sounds abusive in itself. Your child has two parents, why was the cost of childcare coming solely out of your wages?

Imo, when a couple are married and have a child, all the money should be family money, regardless of who earns it. If a couple decide to allocate an amount each for "personal" spending, eg hobbies, clothes, treats, that's fine. But household bills are a different matter, as is childcare.

Yanbu.
I'm taking a wild guess here but I suspect that part of the reason the op works part time (as well as the rotten luck with jobs) is because her H doesn't parent or work as a team around the house and she has to shoulder it all. If he won't share money I doubt he'll be sharing the mental and physical load around the house.

Why should the financial burden fall on your DH? Your child is 6 so at school and you worked 4 hours a week. You had the time to work if you wanted to, after school clubs etc. For all the PP saying you should LTB/divorce him, won't you need to get a job to support yourself if that happens?

Their kid is 6, not 16!

I don't think you are being unreasonable but for sure your current situation is untenable. Have your DH pay for wrap around childcare and then get yourself the best job. Have your DH then do 50% domestic chores as well look after your child when not in childcare.

I was a sahm for 2 years but my DH didn't deal with pressure of being breadwinner. I've also been the breadwinner at times and I bloody hated it. So now I work and actually earn more than DH. I think you need to resign yourself to working full time. Then you can decide if you want to stay with DH.

Your his wife not a roommate everything Is both of yours! My wife hasn’t worked since DD was born but the money I earn is ours. It’s a partnership it would work the other way round too. This isn’t right

"Before we had my son I worked full time and everything was split 50/50".

That would have worked only if your salaries had been similar, I am wondering if that was the case.

"We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself".

That was deliberate as well on his part because he knew you would end up with nothing. You are being financially abused Moomin, no two ways about it and his dad's actions also affect your son. This does not just affect you. Financially abusive men too are not just financially abusive either.

Post this in Relationships rather than just AIBU (this is not an AIBU issue) and see what responses you get.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Would you want your son to think that yes, this is how men treat women in relationships?.

Time to make plans to leave this man Moomin, he is not going to get better here and will merely further ramp up the power and control in this relationship against you.

Look at his parents too, chances are one or even worse both of them are similar. This is learnt behaviour and such entitled men do not change.

Please OP, don’t bring up your son to have thIs unhealthy attitude to money and both your and DH’s take on family life. I suspect that even if you were to get a job soon he would complain that he contributes more financially. That’s because any career progression you might have made has been hindered by having to look after the child you’ve both brought into the world.

He sounds awful. I think from what you’ve said, and your continued use of “my son” (as opposed to “our”), is quite telling of your relationship: he doesn’t see you as a unit. I bet he thinks childcare, cooking, housework are all women’s work?

I would seriously have a think about whether you want to continue this relationship. Take this time now, whilst the world has slowed down, to think about it and, if need be, start making exit plans.

I can see why he may feel some resentment - you working 4 hours is pretty slack to be honest, but that’s just from the outside. If you’re pulling both his and your own weight in life, then how would you have time to work a full time or part time job? It’s not easy to find jobs that work around school, or a job when you have a shitty husband who doesn’t look after his own child. Be kind to yourself, but do put the needs of you (and your child) first.

When you had a child,did you not discuss how it would work? I was a sahm for 7 years, financially supported by DH and our mutual savings. DH never had to worry about housework, childcare (especially when DC were sick) or even cook a meal. He was not hard done by and I loved being at home. He knew and I knew that it was temporary and when the youngest started nursery at 3,I started part time work. It was always going to be the case. We deliberately based our mortgage on DH’s salary so that I didn’t have to work.

He is being financially abusive.
He is enjoying having power over you and your finances.
This is not love.
You’ve not said much about other aspects of the relationships.
Is the property in both names.
If he has £800 per month less he’s proably got 1000s saved.
Get a grip on his finances without him knowing.
Don’t feel you need to defend yourself on this thread.
Did you both have a conversation what life would be like with children.
He likes you being where you are. Is he encouraging to you to retrain or get a full time job.

Your husband I horrible and you should tell him to stop being a dick and when he doesn't don't cook for him, wash for him, screw him.

The minute I discovered I was pregnant we discussed what was happening. Dh has supported us all financially for over nineteen years while I have supported him by running the home, bringing up our children and everything that involves. That has meant he has gone far in his career and our children have had a stable upbringing. Before anyone kicks off I am not saying children of two working or a single working parents have unstable upbringings.

Don't let this go on another day.

You could get another job with more hours and being able to keep more and contribute more (as and when cv has sorted itself out).

But his attitude stinks, you're in a relationship and should be a partnership. It seems he thinks you're a lodger.

Tbh I'd be telling him you're going to look at furthering you're career ASAP and that he has to step up with childcare etc to help you out.

You do also know that you'd be better off financially if you didn't live with him.

What exactly does he bring to the relationship other than money for bills?

I could never live with a man like this. For years My dh handed over his whole wage to support me and his stepsons, no complaints. And I have always worked full time. I would not expect my husband to be treating himself whilst watching me go without. OP please seriously consider leaving him and making your own way in life. If not, do full time work with wraparound childcare on the understanding that household chores and childcare bills become the responsibility of both of you.

She is HIS childcare so he can go out and earn HIS money, but she has to pay for outside cc if she works
The usual line thrown to justify not working ft and taking some responsibility towards financially supporting the family.

You have no idea whatsoever that this is the case. Maybe he'd be happy to help if OP worked FT too. Maybe he'd be happy to pay all the childcare to enable her to work FT.

It comes strongly that OP doesn't want to do so and he most likely is taking that stand because otherwise she never had an incentive to do so. For all we know, the agreement always was that she'd go back FT once the child started school but OP has been coming up with excuses not to.

Of course, none of this applies right now but the discussion was about what happens afterwards now that OP is without a job.