Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

My Ex was like this too. It’s such a horrible thing. I can’t believe the posters telling the OP to go out and get a job. Who on earth would look after her child at the moment?

Don't have any more kids with him. He doesn't see you as a family unit, what's his is his and he doesn't value your contribution to the household.

And he bought you a new kitchen? Sounds like a misogynistic arsehole if there ever was one.

The financial situation does not sound great. In our house all the money goes into one pot and all the bills are paid out of it. Neither of us has “an allowance”, we regularly discuss bills & extras like Netflix, eating out etc. and how much we are both contributing to pensions and joint investments etc. We both discuss of we’re wanting to make a bigger purchase and while DH would we never spend any money, he knows he’s a bit nuts and is fine if I buy some shoes or whatever. This has been true even when he was on un paid parental leave, I was on mat pay, I was job hunting and now he earns double. If he was unemployed tomorrow, we’d both jointly reduce expenses and carry on... I can’t see how he has a “pot” of money and you do. You’ve given up the opportunity to have any kind of real career to be home for DC, and that is WAY WAY WAAAYYY more costly to you over the long term. It’s nuts that he thinks you need to contribute from your £150 a week!!!

Just a thought, if you leave him, would he let you take ‘your’ new kitchen with you? Thought not.

YANBU.

Since I had my children, l have had periods of working part time and also being a SAHM. My DH, has always said that the money he earns belongs to the family and l have access to however much I want. He has always said, that if it wasn’t for my support and contribution to the family, he would never have progressed in his career.

What your DH is saying is wrong. He’s being financially abusive. I bet he has never: dropped and collected his son from school, taken time off during school holidays, woken in the night, done the housework etc etc. All of this is your responsibility and he does not view it as a contribution to your family.

IMO, you can’t argue with him (because he will not believe he is wrong) so there is little point. After this pandemic, eventually subsides and the lockdown lifted I would find a full time job. I would get my ducks in a row, leave him and file for divorce. He’d soon realise, that what is his, isn’t just his. You’d get a share in his pension, equity in the house you own (if you do of course) and any savings.

As an aside, what the hell is wrong with some of you on this thread? Criticising the OP, for losing her job. Ffs, we are in the middle of a pandemic and many people are either losing their jobs or taking a reduction in salary. Also, why wouldn’t she keep her salary of £150? She was paying for her phone etc and things for her son.

FGS some of you need a lesson in comprehension.

Was your decision to work part time a joint one, or one you made on your own? How old is your son? Could you make use of breakfast and after-school clubs and work full-time?

I know it's not the point, but I'd be interested to know how he treated you before this happened? Is this one specific issue, the financial stuff, or is there anything else that makes life a bit tricky?

If this thread tells you nothing else, it will show you that you are in an abusive relationship. What you do about that is a different question, but I felt sick just reading your OP. Did you truly think his behaviour might be ok? Did you have boyfriends before you meet this man? It just seems so bizarre that you don't have anything to measure this against. How did your parents deal with finances?

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it's tragic.

If he’s out of the house on any occasion, take the time to make copies of his pay slips, pensions, investments, shares, mortgage documents and payments, bank statements. Stash them at your parents house or on a flash drive and somewhere safe. Check to see if he has any hidden investments. Do not leave evidence that you are doing this, delete online search info etc.

When this pandemic is over, leave this bastard and file for divorce. Or go and stay with family if they’re in a position to help. If not and in the meantime, if you need anything he won’t provide, perhaps reach out to your family and friends. Don’t be afraid to do so. If I found out my friend needed showed gel, toothpaste, medicines and sanpro or books for their Dc etc, I would have no issue getting it for them.

There is no point arguing with him. The only thing he expects to hear is: Thank you. You’re right. I’m an ungrateful piece of shit etc.

When we had children we pooled all our income and bills and we both had the same spending money. When you had the conversation about you not returning to work full time was this not acceptable to your DH. It sounds like he does not value your contribution to the family and my response to that would either get a full time better paying job and say he has to step up with childcare\ housework etc or suggest pooling money so you both pay the family bills and both have some disposable income. Having a child does not mean one parent gets to abdicate their responsibility for paying towards costs by working such a small number of hours and equally the other one should be recognising what you bring to the relationship by facilitating the lions share of childcare. I would never have a child with a man like your DH and you have left yourself very vulnerable by not increasing your earning power. What did you do prior to having children? Can you look for something better paid after this is over even if you have to pay more childcare costs which should be split between you if you don't have joint finances? What about pension? Do you have one? You have made yourself totally reliant on your DH financially. That works for some but not for everyone. Loads of supermarket jobs around now. Why not leave your son with your DH (is he working from home?) and get a supermarket job so you get some money and he realises how hard it is to look after children.

Remind him that you spend all day looking after “his” son and if he were to pay for a full time nanny plus a cook and a cleaner he couldn’t afford you!

He does sound like an arse,but I do think one person not working only really is a goer if both agree to it.

Personally I couldn't be dependent on someone else, I would always want to be able to support myself

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about the future,with all options on the table

I don't work (usually, had to go back cod of Coronavirus financial impact). We have a joint account. Neither of us questions what the other spends unless it's a budgeted purchase (like your tv) then we'll discuss budget and my husband will then spend more than I'd like (but that's a running joke, in a tight arse, he's a sieve thrift!)

In all honesty your situation is shit. What would he do if you weren't providing childcare? You're not living off him, you're living WITH him, you're a family. If he can't see that you should leave and he can pay maintenance!

I have always earned a lot less than DH. We met in school and i followed him all over the world for his career while i just took jobs here and there to make some extra. After we had kids i stayed home and ive been a SAHM for 5 years now. I dont work. I do some tutoring here and there, but i dont earn much and its my pocket money. It goes into my seperate account.
Other than that we have a joint account where DHs full salary goes and i have full access and get to spend freely.

It doesnt sound like your DH sees you as a team.

Hey I hope you are ok. This crisis is bringing alot of issues into sharp focus.
He doesn't sound that nice. You are not being unreasonable. It's not 'his' money as you are married. It's a 50/50 split.
I would be thinking about leaving.

I think there is much more to it than what you are opting to share and your position has changed quite a bit since your first post.

The way I see it is he's supporting his family

I think this is what the issue is. It sounds like you saw the opportunity to have a child to work few hours and contribute much less to the family as you did before. I suspect it's this attitude that now that you have a child, it has become his responsibility to support the family, and that's not his vision of life and likely not what was discussed and agreed before.

Maybe he would be very happy to pay for after school care if you went back to work FT and earn a reasonable amount of money for the family. Maybe he feels that you've made a choice by working few hours when you could work FT and therefore it's your choice to have no disposable income for yourself.

In MM's world, many women sees becoming a mum as the road to stopping working or working few hours. In the real world, at least the one I evolve in, most mothers of kids in school work FT and the kids go to after school clubs/CMs so that they can contribute to the family income.

He sounds disgusting... who treats their wife and mother of his child like this? Don't you deserve better?

A thoroughly unpleasant mean man.

What attracted you to him?

Yet another one of these cunting financially abusing men. Like you said op, you're his wife, not his lodger. Even if you find another job soon after the virus situation changes, he won't be changing any time soon. Wouldn't you feel better being free of him and his shit?? Nothing will change if you stay.

I was probably wrong to assume that. Er Yeah!

I love your name but I must say Moominmama would never have put up with this shit from Moominpapa!

Your husband is very rigid. Life is not like that - it throws us off kilter every now and then.

In most normal relationships -if both partners works and then one is made redundant,/goes on maternity leave then the financial burden is on the one still working.

You should have left a long time ago. Red flags all over the place!

When you leave him, before setting up home with anyone else you are going to have a talk about money. Especially if planning to add to your family.

I don't see why you only worked 4 hours a week (obviously before coronavirus). Your child would have been at school all day and there are breakfast and after school clubs which don't cost a huge amount. Loads of women manage to work more than 4 hours a week as well as having a child.
If the sexes were reversed the answers on here would be a lot different.

To all the posters saying I should get a job and contribute, I have just lost my job

But with all due respect OP, it was four hours a week. It's not what most people would think of as a "proper" job

My last job I didn't earn enough to contribute

Whilst I completely disagree with your husbands attitude around "his" and "hers" money, I don't think this is acceptable either. Why is it ok for you to have a job that contributes nothing to the support of your family, but you absolutely expect your husband to be ok with fully supporting you all and not complain? That doesn't seem very fair to me, with all the financial burden falling on one person.

I realise it's an unpopular view on MN, but I really don't see why you need to find a job that fits around school. There are plenty of childcare options available to most people to facilitate parents working normal office hours - after school clubs, childminders, arrangements with other parents/family members, etc. Admittedly not all available to all people, but I think some mothers in particularly become absolutely zeroed in on the idea of being around for their children before and after school, to the absolute detriment of their own careers and finances. If you have a family set up that can support that and everyone's happy, fine. But you're not happy with the set up and neither is your husband. So what's going to change?

I feel like there's probably some kind of backstory here.

One thing I can't wrap my head around is why anyone would agree to this:

We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself.

So his post-kid bills remained the same, let's say £500, and yours were £500 + childcare???????

I can hardly believe anyone would agree to this. Can you please specifically explain what you were thinking?

Or have I missed something?

Difficult but tbh as the main earner you can feel that you are just a cash cow and your only wanted to pay for everything .

after CV you need to have a chat about childcare and you working .

Ffs sake rtft.. She has explained repeatedly why she was working 4 hours. She has also said that her DH said she could get a job if it covered the childcare expenses. That to me is the biggest tell-all. She is HIS childcare so he can go out and earn HIS money, but she has to pay for outside cc if she works. This isn't about the op being a fanny lodger anymore than any other SAHP is. Using wraparound care is absolutely fine if that's your choice and need, it is for me, but 6 is still young and maybe the op, given that her husband and child's father CAN provide for the family alone would like to avoid that route for now. I agree that after the crisis she should suggest she makes every effort to get the best paying job she can and offer him the choice of splitting childcare.. Both finances and logistics, sick days, school holidays etc or use her wage to be independent and leave. See how he gets on with a 50/50 split