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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
UpShutTheFuck · 02/01/2021 11:24

@caringcarer

Maybe read the OPs updates.

She has left him. Months ago.

Almostslimjim · 02/01/2021 11:24

Sounds like you're both pretty awful to be honest. Both seeing the money you earn as "mine" and the money the other earns as "joint".

Whilst I feel that he should support the whole family whilst you seek new employment I don't think he's unreasonable to want you to work and contribute to the household income.

Being a SAHP is completely reasonable but only if both parties agree it works for your family.

hansgrueber · 02/01/2021 11:25

@GoodnessSake

Sounds...weird, not like a partnership. You are married and he doesn't see your finances as joint, this would be a red flag for me
But the OP saw her income from a part time job as 'her' money to treat herself. Neither of them seems to have a good attitude towards money.
Velvian · 02/01/2021 11:25

That is great news, op Flowers. Tell us more.

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 02/01/2021 11:28

Wonderful news OP! I'm so pleased you're doing well without him. Well done you!

caringcarer · 02/01/2021 11:29

Just read your update. Why were you paying all childcare cost and DH paying none? It is his child too isn't it?

sanmiguel · 02/01/2021 11:30

Great update OP. Did you move closer to mum? How has your son settled? Does he have contact with dad? Did you find work and is ex paying his way now?

2andahalfpints · 02/01/2021 11:30

Happy New year op. That is fantastic! I do hope you are making sure you get maintenance for your son too.

Your ex sounds like a complete idiot - what a wonderful and brave thing to have done. I am really glad you are away from it all and happy 💐

jeaux90 · 02/01/2021 11:32

Well done OP. I'm sure the financial settlement and the split of assets will teach him a well earned lesson in the concept of what marriage means financially.

Not sure he will learn much else as he sounds like a selfish prick.

From one single mum to another I wish you the very best, hold on to that sense of freedom you now feel. Enjoy the autonomy.

SueDeNimm · 02/01/2021 11:33

Updates most certainly ARE the done thing OP! Next up is a good career that pays well and you treat yourself to a proper life. With two fingers straight up to your horrid ex. Retail is poorly paid most of the time and doesn't offer great career progression so switching to something better paid, less covid vulnerable and more likely to progress and be an interesting career in your 50s and 60s will be well worthwhile.

Well done you Flowers

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 02/01/2021 11:34

Didn't see your original thread until today Op and then read your update. WOO HOO, well done you brave woman. Did you move away like you planned, close to your Mum? I do hope your stingy H is paying child support. I wish you and your DS all the best for 2021.

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2021 11:34

Well done op for leaving him and starting a new life!

Nanny2many · 02/01/2021 11:35

It’s a case of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine too. He’s actually expecting you to subsidise him!

caringcarer · 02/01/2021 11:44

I cannot believe what a hard time OP is getting on here by some. She was not keeping all her money to herdelf. She hardly had any money. Out of her £37.50 she is paying travel costs to get to work and her mobile and stuff for son as dickhead father would leave his child without. When she worked full time she paid half of everything even tho ugh he earned loads more. She had to pay all childcare cost because again dickhead father would not. That is why she could only work so few hours to drop off child to school and collect because as usual dickhead refused to do anything for son and made her take full responsibility for their child both physically and financially. I am sure you would be happier without dickhead OP. If you were divorced he would be forced to pay for his son and no matter whose name the house is in if you are married you will have equal claim regardless of him paying the mortgage. You could get benefits until you can get a job too. You or your son should not be going without things while he has £800 per month to spend on himself. I can't think why you would have sex with someone so abusive. Whatever you do don't get pregnant again by him.

SpudulikaSlob · 02/01/2021 11:48

Well done @Moominmama79

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 02/01/2021 11:50

@mam0918

What you and your partner are doing is not what most married couples do. The way you 2 do it isnt a partnership. I'm guessing you work part time because you have joint children with this man? And someone needs to sacrifice in order to care for those kids. You've sacrificed, but his financial position remains the same. You're paying more than your fair share.

If you dont want to have a joint pot where all the money goes then, at the very least, the bills and mortgage need to be split to mirror the difference in your income. So something like he pays 70% and you pay 30% or whatever.

Dont come onto a thread and tell someone else that what they're doing it wrong when you yourself are being put into a financially abused position.

tenlittlecygnets · 02/01/2021 11:50

Great update, op! Glad things are going well.

How did your h react when you said you were leaving? Did you move to live with your mum? How is your dc?

PurpleMustang · 02/01/2021 11:51

I have just found this and been reading and been hoping it had popped up because you had updated. Am so happy you managed to leave and you are happier for it. Hope he now regrets how he treated you. Good luck to you

Thehop · 02/01/2021 11:55

Bloody brilliant update Op well done x

VinterKvinna · 02/01/2021 11:56

[quote Moominmama79]@Shitsgettingcrazy I've been made redundant 4 times in the last 3 years. I've had spells of being unemployed as I struggled to find a job that would fit in around school. 6 months has been the longest I've been out of work[/quote]
So you need to tell your husband its his turn to sort out all the child care etc, as you are going back to work full time

VinterKvinna · 02/01/2021 11:58

@Moominmama79

I'm not sure if updates are the done thing on here but I know a few of you were concerned about my situation. I just wanted to let you know that I left my husband 5 months ago. There were many other problems in our marriage, this was just one of them. My son and I are doing really well and have adjusted to our new life. I've never felt happier and wished I had the courage to do it sooner. My ex was also wrong saying I would never cope without him because I'm doing just that Smile
OP HAS AN AMAZING UPDATE!!
HTH1 · 02/01/2021 12:07

What does he think will happen financially if you divorce? Perhaps put that to him and see if it changes his perspective.

HTH1 · 02/01/2021 12:08

Just saw the update, well done OP Grin

UpShutTheFuck · 02/01/2021 12:10

@HTH1

What does he think will happen financially if you divorce? Perhaps put that to him and see if it changes his perspective.
Read the post immediately above yours!

His perspective is no longer of any relevance.

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2021 12:45

I think you’ve done the right thing and thank you for the update!