Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

Neither of you sound great to be honest.

Excellent news! Well done for being so strong, I remember your posts. I hope 2021 is a good year for you. Upwards!

I’m so happy to read this. Thank you for coming back and updating. Best of luck xxxxx

Is he over 50? They all, without exception, turn into miserable old tight bastards when they turned 50.

Sorry OP, I feel.your pain. This lockdown has given me a glimpse of what retirement will be like. And it aint pretty. No wonder so many women leave their husbands when they retire and the kids have grown.

So pleased to see your update. Congratulations on your new life!

This has cheered me up this morning. Well done and a happy new year 😃

When you worked, you should have been contributing to family money. Keeping all your money seems a bit off. You say you have been out of work a few times - maybe your h thinks you're trying to get out of working?

Didn't you talk about money before you moved in together? What would be joint, who would pay for what, what to do with leftover money?You need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that his money should be family money, that you are looking after dc so he can work, that you want to work but can't due to the pandemic, etc.

He should not have loads of money for him and you have none. That's not how supportive relationships work.

The update is great. Hope you and your son are much happier now x.

Amazing update! Happy new year! Hope this year is happier and more free xx

Fantastic update, OP.

I hope you have a SHL to ensure you get everything you and your child are entitled to after the long term financial abuse he inflicted upon you. Total wanker.

@Moominmama79

I'm not sure if updates are the done thing on here but I know a few of you were concerned about my situation. I just wanted to let you know that I left my husband 5 months ago. There were many other problems in our marriage, this was just one of them. My son and I are doing really well and have adjusted to our new life. I've never felt happier and wished I had the courage to do it sooner. My ex was also wrong saying I would never cope without him because I'm doing just that

Fantastic OP! I am so glad of all these updates. Seem to be a few in your boat today and all doing better than before!

I'm so damn happy to see your update, well done. Honestly you made such a brave choice and you're thriving. Thank you so much for the update and doing it. Well done xxx @Moominmama79

TBH I would be happy to completely financially ssupport another adult. But everyone's relationship is different. I agree that the younger generation don't have this all money is family money attitude.

I’m so delighted to read you left him! Good luck to you :))

@jimmyjammy001

And you married and had children with him because...... The money situation should of been discussed, done and settled before any major life events have taken place so the situation you are in now would not have of happened as he would of allready been contributing fair share and you working part-time

I agree these things should have been discussed. For all we know they may well have been. It doesn’t mean people will keep their words though.

It’s a good thing when anyone leaves an abusive relationship. It takes courage.

Great update, well done 💐

never felt happier and wished I had the courage to do it sooner. My ex was also wrong saying I would never cope without him because I'm doing just that

So pleased for you OP. Onwards and upwards!!

@mam0918

I work part time, make £10k per year and have no access to DH money who works full time and makes double what I make... his money is his, mine is mine but I still pay half the bills and for many family thing because thats what families, couples and parents do.

I honestly dont see how you justify his money as the FAMILYS money but you money as just YOURS thats selfish as hell.

Thankfully Moomin has left her husband.

Sounds very unreasonable OP. Once you are married then everything should be shared.

Not everyone sees it that way but I think those who don't are usually controlling, unpleasant people.

You are raising his child, looking after the house and also working part time when you could. You contribute just as much as he does, even if he is the one being paid more.

It sounds like your husband is very controlling. Unfortunately I think people who are wired this way are unlikely to be able to change. He is unlikely to ever see "his" money as being shared or being yours.

This is brilliant news. He sounded horrible!

This is classic financial abuse. You would get more if you divorced him and he had to pay maintenance and the mortgage. What a selfish and immature twat. Please show him this thread as he us a disgrace as a husband and father.

@tenlittlecygnets

When you worked, you should have been contributing to family money. Keeping all your money seems a bit off. You say you have been out of work a few times - maybe your h thinks you're trying to get out of working?

Didn't you talk about money before you moved in together? What would be joint, who would pay for what, what to do with leftover money?You need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that his money should be family money, that you are looking after dc so he can work, that you want to work but can't due to the pandemic, etc.

He should not have loads of money for him and you have none. That's not how supportive relationships work.

Um. Think you've missed a few posts...

I would speak to before and after school clubs and put together a quote if what it would cost 5 days a week if you were to work full time, and ask him would be rather pay this added bill every month and split the cooking cleaning and parenting 50/50 as you will be working the same hours he does.. he will probably change his mind then. What he would be spending out on school clubs is probably about the same contribution you would be making so he’s not going to benefit is he. However I would break my back to find another part time job so that he can never try hold money against you

Wow sorry ignore my last post for some reason I didn’t see all of that!! Well done! Xxx