Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

@mam0918

I work part time, make £10k per year and have no access to DH money who works full time and makes double what I make... his money is his, mine is mine but I still pay half the bills and for many family thing because thats what families, couples and parents do.

I honestly dont see how you justify his money as the FAMILYS money but you money as just YOURS thats selfish as hell.

Yes I agree. Why is the DH’s money always family money? OP has left her DH now, but she was working around 4 hours a week for £150 a month. As her child is school aged, she could’ve searched a job with more hours, maybe 4-6 hours a day. Maybe not split the bills 50:50, but she could’ve paid her own share if she earned a little more.

@Notajogger

Weird that he thinks the money he earns is just for him - but you seemed to have that attitude too when you were working - you shouldn't keep your money for stuff for you but use his money for all the joint stuff.

Both of your earnings should go into one big pot to pay all the joint expenses from. Keep back the same amount of "fun" money from your salaries.

My thoughts exactly. When you’re both working, you should both be contributing proportional to the amount you earn.

You should also discuss the job situation. I know Covid put you out of work. But did he agree to you only working part time? All this must be agreed on.

Good for you @Moominmama79! I just read your thread and thought your ex husband was behaving like a total shit. So glad you got away, especially after his comment about you not being able to! Tosser!

Hope his enjoying having to definitely pay all the bills himself now & probably child maintenance too. 👍🏼

@Moominmama79 can you tell us how your ex took it? I hope he was gutted, as that serves him right.

@mam0918 no, that isn't what families 'do', as has been clearly indicated on this thread. Families put all the earned money in to one pot, pay all bills from it, then make sure each adult has similar disposable income, as invariably one is doing more childcare than the other.

That is great.

My sister and I both found that we had more money when we left the ex. Both of us could claim UC for childcare while we went full time working. Which neither of us would have been able to do as our respective others were the same as yours, had earnings that meant would have not been able to claim UC or tax credits. But then would not pay for it either.

In our cases the maintenance is only 29.12 per month because they have since gone on UC themselves. But I'm betting that your ex will find himself giving you more money now in maintenance than he ever did while you were with him.

Op, if you haven't done the consent orders yet, go for it on spousal maintenance. I've just got mine back, all granted by the courts, similar financial situation (though my ex shared all).

Thanks for the update OP, so pleased to hear you and your Ds are doing well.

He doesn't sound very nice. I recommend all women work full time and try to out earn their husbands as money is power and helps women and their children! I never went part time and ultimately earned 10x what my husband did and it certainly gives you many more choices.

Fabulous news-
well done you 😘

Weird that he doesn’t seem to understand the traditional concept of marriage — you raise the children and run the household while he brings in the income. It’s not some mad new idea. I’ll guess that he doesn’t demand the ‘right’ to do the housework and childcare.

That is so good to hear. Well done and best wishes for your new life!

Congratulations! So glad to see this update! Happy new year!

Honestly if I was him I would just like a cash cow .I think it could be more to do with your attitude to except everything off him rather than the amount .
Gone have the days where the man brings the fatted calf home to provide for his family.

Just seen your update — well done, OP! I wish you and DC happiness in your new life.

@Moominmama79 congratulations on your new life. I am so pleased this worked out for you.

I hope he is paying child maintenance and that you are getting divorced and you can list the carpets as being his gift to you, oh and that boiler. What a dick he was.

Good for you, it's great to read this update and know it turned out well. You're brilliant xx

Absolutely wonderful OP. You're doing brilliantly, don't let him drag you backwards - he's very abusive and you've done the right thing for you and your child by leaving. 🎊🎉

He is a selfish prick. 😕

Great news. Here’s to a wonderful 2021

So he works full time and was contributing, you worked part time and didn’t contribute anything but kept that money for yourself. Why were you not contributing anything when you were working, albeit a relative amount.

Now you have no job he’s not happy to have to pay for everything. It goes without saying that he’s being unreasonable and should be providing for you and your child.

The main thing that jumps out at me is that you don’t sound like you work as a team at all. I Imagine he’s one of thousands of main breadwinners who may be feeling under pressure to provide everything. That’s no excuse for him refusing to provide.

I don’t understand couples who live having separate financial lives. I’ve been married 25 years and we’ve always pooled our money. It’s never been a case of your money/my money and we’ve never had any issues.

Xenia

He doesn't sound very nice. I recommend all women work full time and try to out earn their husbands as money is power and helps women and their children! I never went part time and ultimately earned 10x what my husband did and it certainly gives you many more choices Yes we all know this as you state it every thread 😂

Immrswhistledown if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread, at least read the OP's last post. You've completely got a skewed view of the OP's past situation.

Well done OP. I remember your original posts and thanks for updating. You've done so well. Be really proud of yourself.

@WaterOffADucksCrack . Yes she doesn't get that not everyone would achieve this even if they did work full time forever!

Congratulations OP, he was not a decent man. I hope you enjoy your new sense of self and power.

Handy clicky link copied here from the top of the thread for Immrswhistledown and anyone else who feels fully entitled to lecture the OP whilst demonstrating insufficient capacity to read her posts.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3875114-Husband-not-happy-with-money-situation?msgid=103201404&postsby=Moominmama79&fromid=95450868