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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
bobby81 · 02/01/2021 09:07

I love updates like this! Well done OP & Happy New Year xx

TooTiredToBeCreative · 02/01/2021 09:08

That is so wonderful, well done!

Sexnotgender · 02/01/2021 09:09

Excellent update! Glad you’ve left the asshole.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 09:10

Awesome update!! I love good updates. Well done op 💪

Dontjudgeme101 · 02/01/2021 09:10

Brilliant update. 2021 is going to be your year!

pickingdaisies · 02/01/2021 09:15

What a brilliant update, I'm so pleased for you and your son

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/01/2021 09:15

I remember this thread and it struck a chord as my god daughter is in exactly the same situation.
So pleased to read your update and well done for being so brave.
Does your ex see your DC? Does he pay CMS ?

mam0918 · 02/01/2021 09:16

I work part time, make £10k per year and have no access to DH money who works full time and makes double what I make... his money is his, mine is mine but I still pay half the bills and for many family thing because thats what families, couples and parents do.

I honestly dont see how you justify his money as the FAMILYS money but you money as just YOURS thats selfish as hell.

MadameBlobby · 02/01/2021 09:17

Your husband is a cunt and financially abusive

RandomLondoner · 02/01/2021 09:17

He is unreasonable. 50:50 sharing of expenses is a good model of fairness, for relationships that are expected to end when one person can't keep up their contribution. It only works for a marriage for as long as both have more than enough income.

All-in-one-pot would be the opposite end of the spectrum, and also doesn't work if one person feels the other isn't making enough of an effort to bring in money.

That leaves splitting expenses proportionate to income as the best way to share finances, here.

Having said that, to the extent OP is removing the need for paid childcare, she needs to be paid a full commercial rate for her work. So, for example if he earns 40K, she gets a job earning 10K, and the childcare she provides saves 10K in expenses, then her income will be 20K, and she will pay one third of the household bills. (Including one third of the 10K childcare to herself!)

Genevieva · 02/01/2021 09:18

Congratulation! Hopefully he has now realised that he also has a legal obligation to continue to contribute towards raising his family, whether they live under the same roof as him or not. I hope you kept all the things he says that he bought for you rather than for the family, after all, it was him who said they were yours!

MadameBlobby · 02/01/2021 09:18

Oh sorry didn’t realise it was an old thread! I need to wear my specs! Ignore my reply

RandomLondoner · 02/01/2021 09:19

I should possibly have read the whole thread before commenting...

RandomLondoner · 02/01/2021 09:20

And realised it was an old thread...

MadameBlobby · 02/01/2021 09:22

@Moominmama79

I'm not sure if updates are the done thing on here but I know a few of you were concerned about my situation. I just wanted to let you know that I left my husband 5 months ago. There were many other problems in our marriage, this was just one of them. My son and I are doing really well and have adjusted to our new life. I've never felt happier and wished I had the courage to do it sooner. My ex was also wrong saying I would never cope without him because I'm doing just that Smile
Excellent news I am so glad you have binned off this total arsehole and are doing well
jimmyjammy001 · 02/01/2021 09:22

And you married and had children with him because...... The money situation should of been discussed, done and settled before any major life events have taken place so the situation you are in now would not have of happened as he would of allready been contributing fair share and you working part-time

Ponoka7 · 02/01/2021 09:24

I'm so pleased for you that you've got out. Women might have to take a drop in material lifestyle, but it's very very rare that we don't cope without men, especially useless bastard ones. Happy New Year, onwards and upwards!

Onetimenamechanger · 02/01/2021 09:25

@Greydove28

That's terrible OP. You need to call him out on his behaviour. Its not right at all.
She has discussed it with him and he disagrees
Ponoka7 · 02/01/2021 09:26

@jimmyjammy001, nice bit of victim blaming.

Thatsmygrandma · 02/01/2021 09:27

Well done OP! So glad you left, happy new year Flowers

WantChewbaccaForGood · 02/01/2021 09:27

Very well done, op! Onwards and upwards! X

CuteBear · 02/01/2021 09:29

@ivykaty44

Tell him you'll be going back to work full time and he will be expected to pay half the child care - from now.
Agreed. @Moominmama79 I hope you find a 9-3 job that will fit around school time and after school clubs.
HikeForward · 02/01/2021 09:31

Even when I wasn’t working DH still have me an allowance plus his credit card in case I needed more.

When I worked part time he calculated the percentage I could pay into the family account, same when I was full time. Currently working ft and I contribute over half my income to the joint account.

If I stopped work (which I could) we could afford to live on DH’s salary and he’d like that as I’d be ‘working’ in the home and we’d have no wraparound care, cleaners etc to pay for etc. But I’d expect access to the credit card and a decent allowance!

RantyAnty · 02/01/2021 09:32

Yes, I love updates!

Well done on leaving him!
Sounds like you and your DC are doing great without him and his miserly ways.
All the best in this new year! Flowers

Ideasplease322 · 02/01/2021 09:33

@Lazydaisydaydream

Sounds like he is financially abusive to be honest. Sad
This 100%