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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 02/01/2021 07:50

That's fantastic news!
How did he respond when you left?

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 07:51

I think your wrong OP. When you worked you should of paid towards something even though you earned less than your DH. If you have been out of work previously maybe he is sick of having the full finicial responsibility.

Now you have no job I think for days out he should help you out with money until you find another job and basic things.

billybagpuss · 02/01/2021 07:53

@Moominmama79

I'm not sure if updates are the done thing on here but I know a few of you were concerned about my situation. I just wanted to let you know that I left my husband 5 months ago. There were many other problems in our marriage, this was just one of them. My son and I are doing really well and have adjusted to our new life. I've never felt happier and wished I had the courage to do it sooner. My ex was also wrong saying I would never cope without him because I'm doing just that Smile
I do hope he’s paying you way more in maintenance than you used to get from him, and he does his share of child care with his access 🙂
SatyajitRayFan · 02/01/2021 07:54

Fantastic news OP! Well done!

soopedup · 02/01/2021 07:59

That’s brilliant OP. So happy for you. Did you move back to your mums? Did he realise that he wouldn’t be able to keep all his salary to himself? Are you better off now?

soopedup · 02/01/2021 07:59

So glad you updated us

AngelDelightUK · 02/01/2021 08:00

I’m going against the grain here, but you both seem a bit selfish with money. You’re calling your money yours and he’s doing the same with his. I do wonder how much of his attitude is because of yours when you weren’t earning much.

Could you get a childminder for after school and look for something with more hours? Or look for something online, Indeed has a lot of remote working jobs at the moment. It sounds like your husband is annoyed that you’ve not contributed for the last six years and even if that was what you agreed it is grating. I had a very similar situation with my late husband but it was me earning more. He thought nothing of taking anything I earned but complained if I ordered a takeaway

REignbow · 02/01/2021 08:04

Fab news @Moominmama79!

As PP have said, get yourself a very very good solicitor to fight for what is rightly yours. Also, I’m hoping that you applied to CMS —and l bet he hates the fact you are taking his precious money—

REignbow · 02/01/2021 08:05

@AngelDelightUK please read the full thread.

SunshineCake · 02/01/2021 08:05

Brilliant news.

I would have said you weren't getting anything for free but he was. Childcare. Twat.

Autumnchill · 02/01/2021 08:05

I started reading this thread then realised it was from April and was rooting for you to LTB and I'm so glad you have. I've never heard anything like it 'your boiler', 'your carpet'.

I hope you have a great 2021!

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/01/2021 08:07

This sounds like financial abuse but you should have sorted this out much earlier in the relationship. What is he like with childcare? Is that all down to you too?

firstimemamma · 02/01/2021 08:08

How awful. Google 'financial abuse' and see how what he's doing to you fits the description perfectly.

In our house (I'm a sahm) we have a joint account and I have access to everything. All money is very much seen as 'our money', as is the norm for marriage. Do you have any real life support? What do your friends say? Thanks

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/01/2021 08:08

@Moominmama79

I'm not sure if updates are the done thing on here but I know a few of you were concerned about my situation. I just wanted to let you know that I left my husband 5 months ago. There were many other problems in our marriage, this was just one of them. My son and I are doing really well and have adjusted to our new life. I've never felt happier and wished I had the courage to do it sooner. My ex was also wrong saying I would never cope without him because I'm doing just that Smile
Oh I’ve just read this! Well done you!
fullofhope100 · 02/01/2021 08:15

@BuffaloCauliflower

He’s an arsehole and this is financial abuse. What does he think marriage means? Legally everything he has is yours, including all his money. Why don’t you have a joint account? Maybe tell him he needs to start paying for all the childcare he’s been getting for free that allows him to work?
Bloody hell - THIS! Sorry OP, I haven't read all the messages but am so angry on your behalf I had to leap in and comment. As well as totting up how much f/t childcare would be (if and when you choose/are able to get a f/t job), you might like to factor in the salary of a housekeeper, gardener, cook etc etc. Please do not put up with this disgusting attitude from him anymore. He's an apology of a man. SHAME on him. xxx Flowers
Iggly · 02/01/2021 08:20

@Dreahil1

I think your wrong OP. When you worked you should of paid towards something even though you earned less than your DH. If you have been out of work previously maybe he is sick of having the full finicial responsibility.

Now you have no job I think for days out he should help you out with money until you find another job and basic things.

I’m glad the Op didn’t listen to this sort of nonsense. She was contributing and her partner took the piss.

Well done OP!

RandomMess · 02/01/2021 08:23

What an amazing update, I am so glad you left.

Thanks
user1471538283 · 02/01/2021 08:24

He is resentful of both you and your child. He doesn't see you looking after your child as work. I would get a full time job as soon as possible and explain that you will both pay proportionately for everything including childcare. Hopefully you will then be able to save as I think you will need a financial cushion soon

SlayDuggee · 02/01/2021 08:27

Congratulations OP! Hopefully you have a SHL since you were give your ‘DH’ free childcare, free cooking, free cleaning, etc

ApolloandDaphne · 02/01/2021 08:28

I do wish people would RTFT. At a minimum read the OPs posts.

Well done OP - it is great to hear you left and are doing well..

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 08:30

@Iggly ahh yes sorry. OP didn’t explain that in the first 2 posts. I realised when I read further.

ThelmaNotLouise · 02/01/2021 08:33

I hope you took "your" carpets with you when you went! Jokes aside, I hope you've found peace and happiness OP and that your ex has realised what damage his weird attitude to paying bills has brought about. Me and my OH aren't married (own a house jointly, legal papers protecting us both lodged with our solicitor, before anyone kicks off!) but we still view our collective funds as family money.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 02/01/2021 08:33

Great update ! Well done 👍

countbackfromten · 02/01/2021 08:39

Congratulations @Moominmama79!!! Good for you and wishing you and your son a fantastic 2021

zigzagbetty · 02/01/2021 08:39

Well done! Hope you get a great legal advice and get everything your entitled to! I would have also taken my carpet and boiler too but I'm a petty cow Grin