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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 10/04/2020 19:18

Currently he pays for the mortgage, food and all her living costs. Post split, as I said she would be exceedingly unlikely to get spousal support. So even if she got to keep the house, unless she can get a job she won’t be able to pay the mortgage as uc doesn’t pay for that. If she gets a lump sum instead of the house, she won’t be eligible for uc at all

She would get some sort of maintenance either in the form of 1/2 the childcare paid to her or he would do 50/50 parenting in which case she wouldn’t have to find 1/2 the childcare costs.

If the house was sold then the equity would go towards buying a smaller place for her and her Ds.

If he bought her out then she could buy with the “lump sum”

You can still get UC if you own a place.

You make it sound like Moomin should be grateful that since she was made redundant because of this virus that her dh feeding her is a really huge thing for him to do.

Whilst he is buying food and paying the mortgage at the moment she is paying for it in other ways. She has to put up with the nasty remarks all the time.

The way you write do you think her dh would be better off financially if Moomin wasn’t there,

If she wasn’t there he would save on food and the £150 per month that Moomin costs for her phone and toiletries etc

But he would have to employ a cleaner and ft childcare which my guess would be a lot more than the measly £150 per month an a few dinners.

Mary46 · 10/04/2020 19:42

God this is awful feel for you. I know what you mean work more hours then its gone in childcare cost. He sounds a controlling bully I hope you can get out in time x

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 19:51

If he was living in the house on his own, he’d still have to pay the mortgage and all the same bills more or less. He’d have to do all his own laundry and cook for himself. He’d need to spend a good chunk of his weekends or evenings cleaning. Or - shock horror - pay for a cleaner Shock When the boiler breaks down, he’d have to “treat himself” to a visit from an engineer. No need for anything else after this great treat - it will do for Christmas s well. For his birthday, he would do well to remember that carpets were once laid and when it turns chilly, he could always fashion a cape out those leftover carpet remnants. Who needs a coat when you have carpets after all?

The only thing he might save a bit of money on is the “free food” he has so magnanimously found it within himself to provide for his wife and child. You can bet your boots, he keeps his eye in the shopping budget like a hawk. I bet the OP has very little say or choice in her “ free food.”

I think this “man” has a big shock coming his way.

The only reason I can think of for his behaviour is that he’s so insecure within himself, he needs to feel like “the big man” by making his wife feel wholly dependent on him - literally at the basic point of survival of food and basic clothing. Men like this get off on the power trip and breaking someone else down.

beanaseireann · 10/04/2020 19:58

Moominmama79
I'm so glad you made a decision. It is financial abuse.
What I'd like to know, did you date for long before marrying ? Did he woo you and then change ? Was he always mean ?
Were there red flags ?

He wouldn't pay towards his own child's care. Shock I despair !!!

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 20:07

@beanaseireann we've been together 16 years, married for 5. I noticed the change in him when I started working part time after having our son. Before that I worked full time, all bills were split equally and I paid my share. He was always very generous and caring so I didn't think he would be any different when our circumstances changed. It was a joint decision for me to work part time.

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 10/04/2020 20:08

@Oliversmumsarmy - I’m just being realistic about ops financial position post split. As I said I’m a single parent and have been on uc (although now I work full time).

She won’t be entitled to housing element of uc for mortgage. Also if she’s not living in the house it will count as capital and may exclude her altogether from a Uc claim. She would not get half the childcare at all - she would get a CMS minimum payment. From the information she has given I would estimate about £300 - £400 a month child maintenance at most. That’s if she gets any at all - her dh is obv a difficult character and the CMS is not fit for purpose.

So sorry to burst your bubble but I’m afraid the life of a single parent is much harder than you think. That being said there is no reason for the claims that you can’t work and look after a 6 year old - I do and so do many other single parents.

Op - glad you’re planning to leave and wish you happiness in the future.

Rubytinsleslippers · 10/04/2020 20:12

Leave now. Go to your mum's for the lockdown. People leaving due to this abuse is allowed. Go, start afresh and be free. Flowers

beanaseireann · 10/04/2020 20:14

Thank you for your reply.
I often wonder when I read posts about financial / physical / emotional / verbal abuse was the partner like that in the early days / early years of the relationship.

zsazsajuju · 10/04/2020 20:15

I think some Other pp have a bit Of an unrealistic idea of how things work out post split for many couples. The men do generally end up much better off and very few bother doing 50/50 childcare or paying decent maintenance if they pay any at all.

I was the highest earner (and luckily didn’t marry my ex). However I am still left with pretty much 100% of the childcare and child costs. I can manage but the idea that ops dh is going to get some sort of awakening thanks to the uk’s wonderful child maintenance system is unfortunately rubbish.

Cheeserton · 10/04/2020 20:17

I'm not 'going against the grain' I'm disagreeing with almost every poster.

But that is literally a dictionary standard example of what going against the grain is.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 20:18

@Rubytinsleslippers my mum lives nearly 200 miles away, if I could go now I would. I don't drive and would usually go on the train to visit her but they're not running. I will be going as soon as I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 20:22

I'm aware it won't be easy financially but for the sake of being happier and not feeling controlled will be worth it. We would sell the house so I would have my share of the equity. I'll be moving away and will likely rent until I am settled in a job and can afford to buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 20:28

I will also have my mum close by to help with childcare so being able to work full time will be easier.

OP posts:
Orangers · 10/04/2020 20:41

Golly, that does sound really really difficult.

I think maybe your son will also be better off (not materially maybe, but psychologically) without living in this situation, sadly.

It also sounds like your husband didn’t really want a child. Flowers

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 21:00

I would say, after a marriage like that, being able to live on your own terms would be priceless.

So glad you’ve got your mum OP.

billy1966 · 10/04/2020 21:30

@Moominmama79
OP, the truth is awful to read...

You were with him for years before this side to him appeared..

As the mother of two daughter's, I find this truly horrible to read.

Flowers
RandomMess · 10/04/2020 21:35

He is being abusive, you can leave abusive situations during lockdown. Please speak to Woman's Aid they can get you free rail travel to your family Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2020 12:47

I'm not making excuses for him, because I think he's being foully abusive, financially at least - but I do believe that many men have this "fear" that they will be "taken advantage of" by women.

My own husband tried this form of dickery on me after DS1 was born - we were still in the UK at that point, I had access to both my jobs (P/T employment and self-employment), albeit after taking a break from the SE job and being on SMP for the P/T job. I bought a couple of cushions - he had a go at me about me "spending his hard-earnt money" - at which point I added up exactly how much in a week I was earning vs how much he was. I was only a few £ down on his weekly income. He shut up after that - but I knew that part of him was in there, ingrained from somewhere (Fuck knows where!) that women were only out to take financial advantage.

zsazsajuju · 11/04/2020 13:00

Hi op yes sounds like you have a good plan. It won’t be easy financially but it will be worth it. Good luck

JKScot4 · 11/04/2020 13:05

OP
I’m glad you are going to leave, working part time with a top up from Universal
Credit and you and your DS will be fine and importantly happy away from that miserable man.
Good luck x

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/04/2020 13:49

Owning a home does not preclude you from UC.

the life of a single parent is much harder than you think

The ones I know (and I know a lot) are one of the happiest people I know.

Atm as far as parenting is concerned she is a single parent but trapped having to listen to how awful she is and how grateful she should be to be able to eat.

Now that is hard

Shitsgettingcrazy · 11/04/2020 14:02

Owning a home does not preclude you from UC.

It does stop you from get the housing benefit part though.

Kisskiss · 11/04/2020 14:31

Hes an @rse. Obviously thinks the career sacrifice you made by going part time to look after his child isn’t worth anything. The fact it was a joint decision makes him look even more unreasonable.. unfortunately taking care of a child takes a lot of time and effort. It’s not just wage sacrifice either, you lose out on job progression and you don’t get those years back!!

BumbleBeee69 · 11/04/2020 15:06

I'm aware it won't be easy financially but for the sake of being happier and not feeling controlled will be worth

damn right OP.. you will be okay Flowers

BlueSuffragette · 11/04/2020 15:45

Glad you have decided to leave OP. Best of luck for the future for you and your son. Flowers