Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

@Cosima1 my mum is aware of the situation, I have spoken to her many times about it before. She lives nearly 200 miles away from me so it would be a completely fresh start and new life for me

I don’t agree with everyone else. Why don’t you get a full time job. Your child is in school there are jobs that will fit around this. What do you do all day when your child is at school.

He will make a point of how much he spends on food shopping every time he goes and remind me that I'm getting 'free' food.

Jesus wept, what an arsehole

And quite a few later commenters would look a lot less stupid and cruel if they read the whole thread, or even just the OP's posts.

Northernkeyboardwarrior, how about you RTFT.

I imagine there is a bit of pressure associated with being the person who went through pregnancy and birth, who does all the parenting, works pt out of the home, pays for everything for herself and the child out of a very small wage, while the other parent spends his very large wage on himself.

I’m so relieved to hear your palm, just make sure you play it very carefully, and get those ducks organised.

@Northernwarrior. Mmm, either you haven’t read her comments properly, or you’re shit stirring. Utter cobblers.

@Northernwarrior I would work overtime if it was available whilst my son was at school. If not I would be doing housework, not just sat on my backside for 6 hours whilst he was at school. If I work full time what would I do for childcare before and after school? Breakfast clubs don't open early enough for me to get to work and after school clubs close before I finish work. And what about during the school holidays? How would I afford to pay for full time childcare? Because as well as contributing 50% to the household bills I would be paying 100% of the childcare as my husband refuses to pay for it. I work in retail, I can't get Christmas school holidays off. I also can't get 6 weeks in the summer off. So whilst 'why don't you work full time' sounds like a great solution it's not for me. I worked full time before having our son and went part time to help with the childcare situation. If working full time was doable for me I would've gone back to my original job working 50 a hours week 👍🏼

How are you going to work ft when you leave? Surely none of the stuff you have mentioned will change. You will still have childcare issues then wont you? Or do you mean that he will have to pay for childcare at that point?

Oh I just realised you arent planning on working full time when you leave.

Would your mum help with childcare?

@Gamechange my mum will help with childcare when needed so hopefully I'll be able work full time when I leave.

That sounds like it might be a happier situation for you in the long run.

@Moominmama and @Bluecattt To put it mildly both of your husbands sound like complete prks and are abusive! They disrespect you both in the most awful ways as the mothers of their children. That's not love, do you feel they even love their children?
@Moominmama well done, you are doing the right thing in planning to leave him with your child, just make sure you plan carefully so that he doesn't suspect anything beforehand. Cover your tracks including NOT using your home WIFI because if he is tech savvy he can log into the router to see your internet activity even you delete your cookies on laptop or phone. I hope you have enough money for phone data.
@Bluecattt contact Women's Aid, they will help. You and your child really CANNOT continue to live like this any longer. They can still help you even during the Coronavirus outbreak...

Sorry I don't know why most of my previous post appeared in bold!!

as a husband myself and the wife decided to to get a joint bank account and pool both salarys into it (I earn 10k more)

neither of us really have seperate accounts until recently to pool off some 'play money' for nights out, luxurys etc, I suggested recently to her, perhaps we start off 100 each a month and work it from there, mainly cos i dont really go out as often as the missus and shes always getting nails done, hair done, sunbeds, all other girl related luxurys, so im just working to pay bills house and holidays.

if she didnt have any income i wouldnt stop her from using 'our' joint acc for stuff she wanted.. we are a team..

OP good luck and I hope you find yourself and your son in a happier environment after this lockdown..

Best of luck to you OP.

@BumbleBeee69 Thank you
@isitsummertimeyet that's how it should be! Unfortunately my husband doesn't agree

@sageandroses thank you

I’m the main earner now and wouldn’t dream of treating DH like you are being treated - it’s not my money it’s our money! Just like it was when I was a SAHM.

I really do wish you well - you are worth it.

I'm so pleased you have decided to leave OP, I think you and your DC will be so much happier and your child won't grow up believing that this is how women deserve to be treated.
X

I'm delighted to read that you have made a decision OP.

How you have lived with this vile man lording it over you and your son for years goodness knows.

Make sure you let everyone that is a mutual friend know that you have left because he was abusive.

Do not let him know you are leaving.
Gather all the financial information you can.

Easy to get it now that when you are 200 miles away.
Get payslips, deeds, bank accounts etc.
Anything financial that a solicitor may need.

Delighted that your mum will help.
Your son is a great age and hopefully will be easy enough for your lovely mum to mind.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.
You are not alone.

Keep us posted

It doesnt sound like either of you are happy in this situation and you arent in partnership.

He clearly has a huge amount of resentment towards being the sole financial earner.

Could he be feeling a lot of pressure that you want to continue the situation?

Personally I believe women should financially contribute to the household if they can. But to expect you to get a job right now is utterly stupid of him.

The problem is that there is simply no advice to give you except to leave. That’s it.

It sounds as if your life will improve tremendously moving back with your mum.

Start quietly copying any financials you can find.