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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2020 11:11

@Gamechange

Please read the post above yours.

How is his 'POV' in any way reasonable or acceptable?

He's supposed to love her!

Original poster

Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 11:12

@sageandroses thank you 😊 For a moment I thought @Cheeseandwin5 was actually my husband in disguise

OP posts:

Gamechange · 10/04/2020 11:23

It's just my opinion.

Original poster

Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 11:27

@Gamechange I'll be working again as soon as I am able to. I've always worked since having our son apart from when I lost jobs. I've also always contributed whenever possible. I didn't in my last job as I had a very low wage and used it for my own essentials.

OP posts:

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 11:43

Moomin - don’t even bother justifying yourself.

On the internet there are all sorts, ranging through the deluded / deranged / sycophantic / insane.

Sad, but true. Don’t worry about it.

I’m sure Gamechange would be delighted to have your “H”. In fact, you could send him her way once you kick him out.

Gamechange · 10/04/2020 12:40

Sorry. I did say I get where you are coming from for all the reasons you have stated but I also understand the pressure that comes with being the main earner too.

As others have said if you dont like it leave. Financially you will be worse off of course but at least he wont be making you feel bad about what you bring in.

Gamechange · 10/04/2020 12:42

Also, I am married myself and have no interest in anyone elses husband. Thank you.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 10/04/2020 13:00

So if you lost your job through circumstances outside your control and had no income and Mr Gamechanger were to say no I won't buy you a winter coat because I brought you a boiler you'd say okay fair do, good point.

The whole point is OPs husband doesn't see himself as a husband and father. H see's himself as a single man who just happens to have a woman and her young son living in his house

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 13:05

I’m sure there are pressures involved in being the “main earner“, but what is this man actually doing that he wouldn’t be doing anyway if he was single.

There are also alternative pressures involved in being the “main parent.”

If your DH had £800 per month after bills and you had nothing, would he buy you a coat? Would he make you feel beholden to him?

I can’t understand marriages anyway where there’s this “my money”, “your money” attitude. It’s such a cynical and depressing way to live. Surely it’s all family money, regardless of who earns what? Isn’t it in the wedding vows -“all that I have I give to you...?”

Gamechange · 10/04/2020 13:21

Yes I would be pretty pissed off if he wouldnt buy me a winter coat in those circumstances. Hence why I am saying I get the OPs gripe.

I'm sure the single mums will be along to tell you how hard it is to go it alone.

Original poster

Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 13:25

@Cosima1 I see it as family money too, no matter who earns what. If you're a family you're one unit. He is very hung up on money and makes a big fuss about every bill he pays for. Bills he would be paying even if he wasn't with me so I don't know why it's an issue? He will make a point of how much he spends on food shopping every time he goes and remind me that I'm getting 'free' food.

OP posts:

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 13:26

I’m sure it is hard to go it alone, but at least you don’t have to feel like a second class citizen in your own home. The OP is used to living within her own budget anyway.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2020 13:28

He's a miserable, miserly, joyless git.

You will be so much happier divorced.

MsTSwift · 10/04/2020 13:29

Too strange. Surely the child is his too? If you are married you’re a team. Never understood this weird “this is mine this is yours”. Nonsense legally as if you divorce it’s all on the table and in whose “name” anything is is utterly irrelevant. So I always think if people like this man as being abit thick as well as mean.

Gamechange · 10/04/2020 13:30

Oh he definitely sounds like he is being a prick on purpose. Honestly, it sounds to me like he is trying to force you to appreciate him more but it's just making you feel like shit instead.

Quartz2208 · 10/04/2020 13:32

I would almost think about charging him for cleaning and childcare services but I dont think it would go well

dontdisturbmenow · 10/04/2020 13:34

Why are you staying with him?

mummmy2017 · 10/04/2020 13:38

Use this against him.
£8.73 per hour. £210 a day £1470 per week.
Tell him this is the price of wrap around child care and house keeper as if you left a child alone the police would arrest you.
Tell him so tell him he can pay min wage and deduct the food if he wants.

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 13:38

Moomin, my DH is not perfect and he has his issues which I’ve posted about on here actually, but what I do respect about him is that he has never once, in over 15 years, made me feel beholden to him for anything. We have 3 children and I haven’t worked for 15 years. I possibly have the opposite issue in that he hasn’t actually wanted me to work since we got married because he is a workaholic and he knows I hold everything together at home and he needs that, but nevertheless, he has never once questioned me about anything I spend on myself or the kids. It wouldn’t occur to him that the money is “his”, any more than it would occur to me that the children are “mine.” The money Is just in the bank and, even though we have different spending patterns, we know our means and trust each other, Our focus is on the kids anyway and we each play our part to the best of our abilities and that’s all there is to it really.

Original poster

Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 13:39

@dontdisturbmenow I have decided to leave. It's something I have thought of doing before but the last few weeks have shown me, and comments and advice on this thread, that I can't spend my life living like this. Once the lockdown situation is over I am planning on staying with my mum until I can find work and somewhere to live

OP posts:

SD1978 · 10/04/2020 13:44

Sorry- to clarify. He paya all the household bills- mortgage or rent, electric, gas, council tax etc and shopping. Your wage has only ever been yours to spend on things for you? He sounds like an area for how he's spoken to you- but you also don't seem to have financially contributed at all due to your lower wage? Have you saved anything?

Cosima1 · 10/04/2020 13:48

SD, have a scan through the thread.

Moomin - good for you. How is your relationship with your mum? Have you been able to tell her anything about how he treats you?

Original poster

Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 13:49

@SD1978 I contributed regularly until my most recent job, within the last year, where my wage was really low and I used it to pay for my essentials or anything our son needed. If I was ever able to contribute I always have done.

OP posts:

ThinkPink71 · 10/04/2020 13:51

You should have been putting to when you did work...then maybe he wouldnt be giving you such a hard time now. Even if it was just a small gesture.

Original poster

Moominmama79 · 10/04/2020 13:54

@ThinkPink71 I did put in when I was working. When I first went back to work after having our son pretty much my whole wage went on childcare and money towards the bills. My last job was very low paid and I needed that money to pay for my own essentials.

OP posts:

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