Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

Bloke here.

Your husband is an arse.

Poor you, I'm so sorry. x

@Moominmama79
My husband it’s like this too.
Before our child was born in 2010 we were both working so we both paid 50% each.
After I went on maternity I became Sahm and I’m home as husband won’t pay for any childcare if I would work and our child would have to go to childminder etc..
So I’m home with only child benefit income, but I’m expected to buy child’s clothes, bits, my phone/ dental insurance bills.
DH also earns much that he after he pays all bills he is left with about £1500 for himself.
He plays golf nonstop ( that’s the reason why he says I can’t go work as WHO would be looking after our child as he is always out)
He likes expensive fancy stylish items( just bought himself 3 pairs of Raybans of £140 each)
He rarely buys me anything. I mostly shop like in cheap shops like Primark or H&M so occasionally he would buy me the odd item for £5-£8..
When I pointed that he just got himself 3 pair of Raybans and new apple earpods he said: oh I got you a lawn mower ( he did not- I don’t even ever do gardening as of Strong allergy, but the old lawn mower from 1991 he had given from his Nan blew up, so he bought new one last week - he paid only £50 anyway for it..
Anyway. So I sit home on £82 per month.
He can’t see that I clean, wash, look after our child...
Apparently I am lazing at home doing nothing.
And I don’t work and I never contribute.
When I say I want to go work, he says, oh no... I play golf, I work, don’t be selfish!
And most of the time I spent the £82 on food like chocolate or sweets for him... 3 weeks ago I spent it on stockpiling as he refused to buy extra tin of baked beans, apparently not need. So walked into shops and searched for any tins or soups left as I don’t drive..
And I can not leave him, I’m foreigner, have no family or friends here. I got nowhere to go, have no money..
rant over..

Op, of course he is wrong to not pay for your child and half the childcare to enable you to work. Families all work differently and no one way is the right way. Personally we have shared money from one pot since we married and when we had children I went part time which was a joint decision.

However these were all things we decided together and before we had children.

It does sound like you may be better off without him, even if your life style isn’t as good (but neither will his be).

@flirtygirl - dont really understand the point of your post highlighting mine. She won’t have £150 a week from uc that she didn’t have before post divorce as she will need to pay bills and buy food that her dh is currently paying for. And she won’t get anything for her mortgage so she may lose her home. So financially things are likely to be really tough financially post divorce (assuming that there are no facts we don’t know) unless op can get a job and reasonably paid one at that.

That’s not to say she shouldn’t leave him - if it’s a bad relationship she totally should. But financially, it will be difficult for op. Post divorce he will have to pay for his own housing and living costs and any settlement will reflect that.

He is of course being totally unreasonable refusing to pay his way in respect of childcare. He should also be doing his bit in the house. But he is well within his rights to ask op to contribute financially and it sounds like she hasn’t for some tome and things have come to a head.

@Oliversmumsarmy - she is unlikely to be better off financially once divorced unless she gets a job. That’s the reality of the situation. He will be very unlikely to be ordered to pay half the childcare - more likely she will just get CMS maintenance for her son which would be a few hundred pounds

But if she did carry on the way she is and say she got a f/t job then what would change apart from her being poorer and running herself into the ground doing everything. Paying for everything apart from 50% of the household bills etc

I doubt a ft minimum wage job, especially in retail where you need childcare on a Saturday or Sunday and f/t childcare with a Saturday or Sunday for 12 weeks of the year when children are on holiday + paying 50% of a mortgage and other bills would actually work out.

I don’t think she would earn enough to cover it all.

If she divorced then if it was 50/50 parenting then the days that her Ds wasn’t with her he would have to pay for child care so that means she would have to pay only 1/2 the childcare costs or at least a few days per week.

He would have his son at least 4 weeks of the school holidays as well so even less childcare she would have to fork out for.

As you say he could be paying her a few hundred per month so that is a few hundred more than she is getting atm

Then with housing she could get a smaller place with the equity, also be able to claim single persons council tax and get some UC

From where I am standing she would be far better off divorced.

Up to the emergence of Covid 19 she was managing to care for her child whilst working around a job and having only £150 per month which is less than £4 per day to spend on her phone, get herself to and from her job and any clothes, shoes, cosmetics, shampoo etc she might need or pay for any days out she might take with her Ds.

I don’t think you appreciate how little her dh is doing for both Moomin Or their Ds.

Even if she wasn’t working and money was really scarce she would still be better on her own.
She wouldn’t have to put up with a guy who brings her down and moans and whinges at her everyday because a worldwide pandemic has made her redundant and even if she could get a job in a supermarket who is going to look after her 6 year old.

As has been said before her dh has no interest in looking after him to do her a favour.

All he cares about is money and the fact atm he isn’t getting any.

Blue - I’m so sorry you’re in this situation too. He sounds like another entitled wanker of the highest order.

Are you sure you can’t leave him?

Please make plans to leave. Get legal advice. Get copies of every financial record you can find in the house. And make plans to go.

you'll be better off leaving on your terms than on his. Imagine him leaving when your DCs hit 18... after years of not being able to work properly, save while he's likely hiding funds planning his own departure. Could happen.

Leave as soon as you can on your terms. And get a good solicitor to get everything you're entitled to.

@Oliversmumsarmy - not really. I’m not saying she couldn’t cope financially post divorce and I for one would want to be shot of ops dh (although obv we haven’t heard his side). But she won’t be a few hundred pounds better off than she is now.

Currently he pays for the mortgage, food and all her living costs. Post split, as I said she would be exceedingly unlikely to get spousal support. So even if she got to keep the house, unless she can get a job she won’t be able to pay the mortgage as uc doesn’t pay for that. If she gets a lump sum instead of the house, she won’t be eligible for uc at all.

I’m a single parent and I’ve been on uc. It’s not easy. You’re living in cloud cuckoo land if you think ops dh is taking their ds 50/50 when he shows no interest in him now.

He may not be a very nice man (doesn’t sound like he is) and op may well be happier without him. But financially it will be a big struggle unless she can get work.

To the posters who have said op needs to work more hours, it's not as easy for some despite after school clubs and childminders. In my area the only childcare club for children that age has closed down before the epidemic and after school clubs here finish at 4.30. Which is not late enough for shop workers and carers and office workers. It can be difficult and I understand op taking a job that had fewer hours to keep working!

I worked 15 years on nights and did the school run, all cleaning cooking housework while my ex husband had a cushy 9-5 and plenty of sleep and rest. It took a toll on my health, but I felt I was doing my share and paying my way. It's not easy for the mother when the father thinks that children and house work is for women. Yes easily op could work full time but he'd have to cover childcare and with his attitude that op should have no money as she is out of work due to Coronavirus and caring for his children is appalling and beyond selfish. He will not change.

I'm so sorry for you op, you would do much better on your own, he sounds like a selfish man child and you can do better.

@Bluecattt your situation is the same as mine 😞 it's not nice is it. Please read through the other posts, there is a lot of advice you may find helpful.

@Oliversmumsarmy you can’t make a man like that do childcare. My ex will not take our child. He refuses. I did actually force him to care for his own child once and he called SS said I’d abandoned the child - and they agreed with him

Wow, ChrissieKeller - that's astonishing that they agreed with him!!
I assume your child has no contact with this waste of skin now? Jeez!!

@Bluecattt how thoroughly awful, I'm so sorry

I just don't understand how a husband can see his nearest and dearest go without when he's got plenty

Please seek advice on leaving this 'man'. Don't give up, there has to be a way.

cheeseandwin5 have you read the thread? Stop talking nonsense. OP kept her 150 a month to pay for expenses like her mobile phone, travel to work and cosmetics. Her DH has far more money which he won't spend on his family but buys himself whatever he likes. How can her money be joint money if her won't pay for what she need. And f she went to work for more hours who would pay for childcare?

blue yes you can leave. Call women's aid and make a plan. You have options. This can't continue

@Cheeseandwin5

Have you read the thread?

Have you understood what's been said?

Its disgusting NannyOgg absolutely disgusting.

@Cheeseandwin5 Wow. You'd like to question how I've been made redundant so often? Do you understand how redundancy works? It's nothing to do with me or how capable I am of doing my job, it's something out of my control. I work in retail. I think that explains it all. Also if you'd read any of my other comments you would see that I have always contributed when I've been able to do so. It's only in my recent job (the last year) that I've had a low wage and used that to pay for my own essentials.

This is like modern day slavery. Leave him OP you’ll be better off and not just finically but emotionally also.

I say this every time someone in an abusive relationship posts on AIBU.
OP, please post again on the relationships board. There are women there who have survived/ escaped coercive controlling relationships. You will get good support and advice there.
Thank goodness some people on here have been understanding.
Unfortunately AIBU brings out some of the nastiest, spiteful people. So cruel to kick someone when she is already down.

@endofthelinefinally Thank you, I'll do that

It sounds like he's refusing to have his life impacted by his child at all. Out of interest, did he want a baby?

I agree you should consider separating. You might not get him to do childcare, but you would at least get some CMS payments.

@cheeseandwin5

THE OP's HUSBAND WON'T PAY ANY CHILDCARE DESPITE HAVING HUNDREDS LEFT OVER A MONTH

HE WON'T BUY HER A WINTER COAT WHEN IT IS COLD OUTSIDE AND SHE HAS NO MONEY TO BUY HER OWN

BEING MADE REDUNDANT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW YOU DO YOUR JOB AND IS NOT A REFLECTION OF CHARACTER

DESPITE BEING MARRIED WITH A CHILD THE OP'S HUSBAND THINKS THAT HIS MONEY IS HIS TO DO AS HE LIKES WITH BUT HER MEAGRE AMOUNT SHOULD BE USED FOR FAMILY PURPOSES.

Sorry for the capitals but your post was so stupid i thought you must have some trouble seeing. Hope these points are a bit clearer for you now!!!!

I get where you are coming from especially in lockdown but I also see his point of view.