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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 17:58

Realistically would op be better off financially if divorced?

Op you haven’t really said what you are going to do even though you’ve have had plenty of posts advising you. If you just want a rant and moan that’s fine then others can stop offering advice.

Lillygolightly · 09/04/2020 18:02

@Moominmama79

I bet if you did work full time he wouldn’t agree to paying 50 percent of the childcare costs now or ever because as far as his is concerned you already owe him. You are in his debt financially (as he sees it) which makes it absolutely impossible to ever be on a equal footing financially or otherwise with him. Despite what he says he likes it this way and I bet you anything that if you got a job paying equal or more than his tomorrow he would be quiet put out and make it as difficult as humanly possible for you to do or take the job. I’d be sorely tempted to tell him I’d found such a job just to see the mean bastard squirm, especially when you mention the long hours and the fact he will have to step up more in the home. Watch how fast he makes excuses for why you can’t take the job Angry

crispysausagerolls · 09/04/2020 18:04

Leave him. What is the point in this

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 18:08

@Iateallthecookies000 I have read all the posts and taken on the advice 😊 I think I am going to look into how I could leave and how it would work. I can't live the rest of my life the way we are. Even when I'm working again and able to contribute I still don't feel it would be enough for him. He will always be the higher earner so there may be times when he has to pay for something that I can't afford and he wouldn't be happy with that.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 09/04/2020 18:10

It’s completely batshit for you to get a full time job and pay 100% of childcare and 50% of bills. It’s fucking mental. If he can’t see that he’s a moron of epic proportions.

Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 18:31

Good luck op hope it all works out for you Flowers

stanski · 09/04/2020 18:32

Why on earth would you be paying all the childcare and 50% of bills? And how are you meant to live on 150 a month out of which you have commitments. He's a dick sorry

Jux · 09/04/2020 18:36

Why oh why does he think that he shouldn't be paying 50% (at least) of the childcare? Did he not want a child? (Even if he didn't, he should still pay half the childcare.)
,
Keep notes. Write that one down. Ask him each time you get a bill if he will contribute and write that down too.

Keep a note of all your finances and his as far as you are able - pay slips, bonuses, bank statements.

You don't know when any of it may be very very useful.

If you were my sister, I would be raring for you to leave him, divorce him and get as much CMS and settlement as you can. That's my advice. you're going to be so much better off, not least for shedding the 15st weight around your neck.

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/04/2020 18:43

A lot of men have the attitude you wanted the child you have to take care of it and pay for it, they just refuse. I've come across that attitude before

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 18:43

But when he just “refused” to pay for childcare for HIS child, I mean, what did you say to that OP? I can’t comprehend this really. Does he think his child is an optional expense? What frame of mind is he in?

He sounds deranged, to be honest. The quicker you get yourself and your child away from him the better.

Diss he have any family or friends and are they aware of this? I would name and shame him from the rooftops.

Maybe suggest he goes for a psychiatric assessment because his behaviour is honestly so bizarre that I can hardly believe it. Has he ever been assessed for anything? What are it’s family like?

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 18:47

This thread is very sobering actually because it’s a reminder that there are so many women and children that are in lockdown with deranged, abusive men of all descriptions. This one is a particularly special breed though.

OP, you can still contact Women’s Aid and get advice, you know.

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 18:55

My mind is boggling here. What is he like on birthdays and Christmas, I wonder? Does he deign to buy any gifts for his child, or does he just “refuse” on that front too?

What was he like when you were dating? Were there no clues then as to the shambolic persona that was to unfold?

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 09/04/2020 18:58

Seriously op why are you with him?

Heldupwithscaffolding · 09/04/2020 18:59

OP I think you are absolutely right 'it wouldn't be enough for him' he will always see everything as his , so leave him to his money , lets hope he's happy with it. And you move on with your life with your DC.

Jux · 09/04/2020 19:00

see your gp - I guess it's possible he's not an entitled twat but that he's actually ill and needs care...... unlikely, but if you're not in a hurry you might as well cross the Ts. Not a bad idea to see your gp anyway; they need to know who amongst their patients is being abused.

KellyHall · 09/04/2020 19:00

I'm pleased you've been strong enough to recognise he's financially abusing you and you're going to plan to leave. He'll have to pay child support when you split up, whether he wants to or not. I'm sorry you're stuck with this prick in lockdown but at least you know it will get better now, you're starting to make a plan. Well done Flowers

Sexnotgender · 09/04/2020 19:01

Please, please leave him. He’s an absolute arse. Don’t waste your life on him.

topcat2014 · 09/04/2020 19:02

WWhat a jerk. And I say that as a sole earner

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 19:05

@Cosima1 it was actually our son's birthday yesterday but I bought all the presents. For my birthday last year he said the new carpets were my present 🙄 It was only after I suggested an actual present that he bought me something. For mother's day I buy my own card. When we were dating he was not like he is now. It's only really since we had our son and my working life changed that he has become like he is now

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 09/04/2020 19:12

All this aside, how the hell does he expect you to find a job during lockdown when thousands of other people are also looking for jobs?

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 09/04/2020 19:14

MoominMama I am so very sorry you're going through this. Its just awful, its not normal. I'm shocked at some of the posters endorsing his behaviour but there seem to be a lot of trolls and MRAs on here at the moment so it shouldn't suprise me too much.

A marriage is a partnership, a team. You work together to support each other otherwise it fails. I agree with PP who said Shame on all of you for not valuing sahm. There's many a man who wouldn't have the income / success without strong support from home.

Unfortunately I think your husband doesn't see you as a team and I can't even start with this attitude to his own child. I think it doesn't matter what you do it will never be good enough for him, hes doing this to break your spirit. I don't know why but hes not your problem to fix.

Take your time, get your ducks in a row and make sure you have everything in place before you leave. a look at this [[https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/]] and good luck Flowers

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 09/04/2020 19:15

Opps, try again! www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 19:16

Thank you everyone for your advice and comments. I'm going to do what's best for me and my son as soon as I'm able to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 19:18

@MrsDoylesTeaBags thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 19:19

“I don't know why but hes not your problem to fix.”

Yes this exactly.

You can’t fix him so stop trying and wondering if you are to blame.

I can’t believe you have to buy your own Mother’s Day card Shock

It’s too much. How have you not smacked him in the face?