Husband not happy with money situation

[Moominmama79]

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

To the people saying leave, it is something I've thought about before. He makes me like I'm an inconvenience to his finances when in reality he wouldn't be spending any less on his bills if he was living on his own. He doesn't spend any more money by being with me than he would on his own but he seems to think he does because he buys 'everything' for me. He doesn't buy anything for me personally, I pay for my own toiletries, clothes etc when I can afford to. When he says 'everything' he means bills, food and whatever we need for the house.

No woman should be dependent on a man when he doesn’t want it.

No woman should be dependent on a man is the bottom line.

OP, you e had a lot of very strong feedback on here and a lot of it must be hard to read. But the question is, can you envisage leaving him?

Sometimes we can feel disconnected to the reality of our situations. Do you know something is not right, but you’re so conditioned to accept it as normal, you feel quite emotionless about it, of you feel as if you’re talking about someone else somehow.

But you are not. This is real. This is your life. This is diabolical.

You need to find your anger now.

Then you need to get out.

@Moominmama79 you seem pretty clued up.

You don't need us to tell you he's being financially abusive because you already know that judging from your post. You are complaining about your current situation and I am not seeing what you actually like about your "D"H and how being with him benefits you.

You know the arrangement he demands is what's yours is his and what's his is his and he clearly does not see you as a family unit since he does not help with basic childcare or splits finances fairly like a family should.

By the sounds of it you won't change his mind.

So knowing all that you seem to know you just seem to be complaining about the unfairness (fair enough you can use mumsnet to vent) but my question is - what are you going to do about this crappy situation?

Take the time to find and copy all paperwork, keeping originals where you can.

If any joint account move half into your own account. Make sure you have the important documents relating to your son and copies of the house douments, his job, salary and pension docs.

Remember 50/50 split of assets is the starting point ad you are entitle to some for your son as primary caregiver as after divorce all he is liable for his child maintenance. His pension should be shared also. Depending on equity and any job that you secure you may be able to get a small place. If not keep your equity safe for the time when you can afford to buy and when you are employed in a better job.

Download and print and complete he divorce forms and read the guides at divorceonline. You do not need a solicitor to complete them as they are actually very straight forward.

Look into universal credit and what help you will get with childcare.

Get ready to put in a cms claim.

Contact women's aid and get advice and attend the freedom programme when lock down has ended.

Know you rights and check out the rights of women website.

Find somewhere to live.
Claim universal credit as unemployed if necessary and continue to job search. Claim for rent if needed also.

Pack your things and leave.
Let your family help you and tell them the truth don't hide things from those that you trust. It doesn't help you in the long run. This is not on you. This is his fault.

Let you child know what's going on and the local library has great books to help children. They are mostly online at the moment.

Get the divorce papers sent off.

Don't give him any more access than is the standard as it did not step up when married. Don't feel guilty, you are the primary caregiver and your sin deserves consistency. But also don't use him as a weapon, if he does magically step up, it can help you with pickups dropouts and working buy don't hold your breath with er way. Plan as if he is going to be mean and obstructive but do not go down the route of being obstructive yourself.

Keep a record of everything, do not have conversations on the phone or via text oast any everyday pleasantries and confirmations of what you have already discussed via email.

Discuss everything important via email so you have a record.

Universal credit is shit, but you will be better off than you are now. Eventually and hopefully you may get a job that means you did not need to rely on extra help.

Good luck op but please do leave him, you are living a crap life at the moment and you are modelling to your son that this is normal.

My children were the reason that I left my abusive ex, Do you want your son to treat his wife like this, as he grew up to think that your situation was normal?

zsazsajuju
she is unlikely to be better off financially once divorced unless she gets a job.

yes op will likely have 150 per month after this on universal credit but she will not have to deal with the feeling of being crap, of her husband not even willing to do the bare minimum to help her.

She will be able to save for a winter coat and not have a dick tell her no and treat her like a piece of shit.

And op said she has always worked but the 4 hours job was all she could get at the moment following 4 redundancies. A lot of people just don't know and think about the reality of zero hours and low hours contracts in this country.

Not all areas have work and not all work has enough hours. The op has obviously had a run of bad luck but has been working for the last 4 years so since her child was 2 years old and obviously before and paying 50: 59 before.

So the people who can't read the Ops replies and donotdisturb who got her knickers in a twist with her chosen lack of comprehension need to fuck off. Stunningly tone deaf.

I couldn't get past the bit about not being 'allowed' a winter coat. A coat is not a luxury, it's a necessity. Your H is financially abusive, OP, and cruel with it.

He is abusive. My sister went on like this for years and only now can she see that its abusive, thankfully her and the selfish abusive bastard are no longer together but it was the exact scenario you have described. Get out now OP, it will get worse.

His is not showing you much love or respect and he is financially abusing you. Sit him down and TELL him what you think he should contribute, and if he refuses, I would seriously think about getting rid of him. You and your DC will be much better off without him.

*yes op will likely have 150 per month after this on universal credit but she will not have to deal with the feeling of being crap, of her husband not even willing to do the bare minimum to help her.

She will be able to save for a winter coat and not have a dick tell her no and treat her like a piece of shit.

And op said she has always worked but the 4 hours job was all she could get at the moment following 4 redundancies. A lot of people just don't know and think about the reality of zero hours and low hours contracts in this country.

Not all areas have work and not all work has enough hours. The op has obviously had a run of bad luck but has been working for the last 4 years so since her child was 2 years old and obviously before and paying 50: 59 before.

So the people who can't read the Ops replies and donotdisturb who got her knickers in a twist with her chosen lack of comprehension need to fuck off. Stunningly tone deaf.*

100% this OP. You may feel ground down by your husband atm and that it's impossible to leave financially but you can turn this around and imagine in five years time being financially independent and in an overall much better position away from this awful, selfish man.

If I were you OP I would be spending this time in lockdown improving my CV, picking up skills like a language, doing online courses etc. The OU is fantastic for this, and I have studied alongside women with small babies who have excelled.

The bottom line is, whatever peoples opinions on who is right or wrong, the situation is untenable. You can't continue to live like this, it just doesn't work. You need independence, you need to do what you need to so that you are no longer reliant on him.

I always say that before someone has a child they should be prepared to be a single parent. I think you should be prepared too

Thank you @Fivefourthree and @Justjoshin22

Thank goodness my brain hasn't gone completely while I've been poorly!

Do you still need a coat? . I know it is summer but it won't be warm for ever and yes, please reread my post on page one since others think it is worth a look.

Your husband is horrible and I am sorry.

I earn about half of what my husband earns, and this has only been the situation for the last year and a few months. Before that I earned much less.
However, most of what I earned I spent on groceries and saved for bits in the house. Spending it all on myself and feeling entitled just wasn't a choice. My husband has no duty to carry me financially. I can't contribute equally to the house, however he knows very well that I did my best, always. I believe it is the correct way, for both the husband and the wife to contribute, as much as they can, unless a different arrangement was previously discussed. This is a team, no one is more responsible than the other.
However, what he is doing to you is mental abuse. You two need to have a conversation about all this and you both need to understand each other's side of the story.

I was shocked when I read your situation. Of course you are not being unreasonable. What a complete dick.

OP when he’s so insistent you have to pay 50% bills, does he understand that would mean him doing 50% childcare and housework? And what’s his reason why not?

If you only earn £150 a month you are hardly working and are almost a sahm. This should be a joint decision. If your husband isn't happy having total responsibility for the family (even if he earns enough to be able to afford to) then he shouldn't have to. However he should be taking half the cost (minimum) of you going out to work full time to enable you to earn enough to contribute.

I do think you are wrong to keep all your earnings for you but expect your husband to support the living costs of both of you.

@couchlover why was it wrong for me to keep my £150 earning to myself when my husband has at least £800 spare himself every month. Out of my wage I would pay for my phone, travel to work, toiletries for myself and anything our son needs. There's not much left out of £150 after that for me to contribute to the bills aswell.

I can't believe the number of people who don't even acknowledge that caring for and parenting their joint child does not have any value.
Also, school is not childcare, it is very much part time compared with the majority of jobs, the holidays are long, much longer than typical annual leave. Child care before/after school and during holidays is extremely expensive.
I barely got to keep any of my salary for about 3 years when I went back to work when my youngest was 1. I also took a lower paying job with no nights or weekends because it just wasn't manageable.
Just because a parent looks after their own child rather than paying for childcare doesn't mean that childcare is less valuable.

People are not understanding that if I worked full time to pay 50% towards the bills I would be paying 100% for childcare MYSELF as my husband refuses to pay that. I would still end up with nothing every month. The only difference in the situation would be that I would be paying towards the bills

“DH, I have found X job I am applying for online/have got the job. The hours are 9-5. Here is 50% of the wraparound childcare cost. I will also be itemising the expenditure on DC every month and expect your half for it. If this is an issue for you, we can go our separate ways and I will claim for both through the correct channels”.

And, as @Mummyoflittledragon - GET EVIDENCE OF HIS INCOME AND ASSETS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does your DH think childcare is your sole responsibility? Have you not challenged him about this?

Sorry but I couldn't live with a man that believed because I gave birth to his DC the child was my sole responsibility and he shouldn't contribute anything. For your DH having a DC means nothing has changed, he has his pot of money, you work in roles which avoids child care- he takes half, you have no money and he has plenty to go off and treat himself- he is disgusting and I have no doubt if you divorced him he would want 50/50 to prevent paying anything - which is brill for you as you can get a job !

Can you expand more on your husband “refusing” to pay child care. I really don’t understand.

He refuses to pay for childcare as in he refuses to pay, I don't know how else to explain that. When our son was at nursery and I was working I paid the fees, he said he wouldn't.